I think I take notice when people are alone usually ones that appear out of place and obviously had some bad experience and I so I feel sorry for them. But, often these are people who clearly need to be alone temporarily and I'd be to afraid to confront them anyway. As far as I know I was the only really long term loner when I was in school and I've been alone much of my life to a great degree I think. I wasn't thoroughly diagnosed until before I started college and I have had a few other medical problems cause me extra distress occasionally. Other people (as in teachers etc.) and even later I always thought I was just very shy at least up until HS. I did see psychologists and other Dr's, but I guess I was good at hiding the severity of my isolation. I generally maintained the idea I was normal when I was young. It all kind of surprises me because early in school I was lucky to have someone befriend me and I just kind of tagged along with until that he moved and I was pretty much alone for a while. My younger days have always been very hazy to me even when I was younger.
I guess I was to innocent and oblivious to even realize I was alone I was always kind of brainwashed by the school system too. I did well academically and didn't get into trouble so no one noticed. I was lucky as later my family moved and my old friend happened to be at that school so I tagged along again and managed to meet some new friends through him. I guess I've always passed as shy because I can converse well when questioned or spoken to first, but I'm pretty sure I never confronted or spoke to others on my own. I am not sure, but I often wonder if I interpreted the school environment as having a don't speak unless spoken to policy. I wasn't that way at home though, I just thought of it as good behavior at school.
It was not until HS that it became suddenly apparent I was somehow a bit off, but I denied it as shyness and just hoped I would over come it. Very suddenly I was outcast as it became apparent I wasn't really apart of the group in the same way due to what I would term "immaturing". I think it is a very Aspie word. Basically I just tended to lag behind picking up new social memes and trends and the gap got to wide and became noticeable I think. I was rather bluntly told to leave so I did. They may have thought I was being rude or mean over some thing I didn't understand I am not really sure. I certainly didn't mean to be. I never argued, fought or made fun of people and I kept that policy. I simply distanced myself completely as much as possible from other people. What else could I do since I knew no one else and I'm mis wired such that I simply can't imagine approaching another person in a social situation. Amazingly this did a good job of insuring I was not picked on or bullied. Other kids left me alone for the most part for whatever reasons and when forced or asked to interact in class I was always friendly and respectful to others and they at least reciprocated that respect and I know many admired me as well.
I have no real strong animosity towards anyone and I don't really blame the kids that didn't understand me. I noticed most people seem to grow up and mature eventually. Later in HS quite a few people showed curiosity and concern for me and made some effort to be friendly and provide encouragement. I did know a few other people due to family friends and later the occasional stranger befriending me, but I've gradually gave up contact with them over the years now, for one reason or another. I really can't say I'm a happy loner, but I've struggled along and survived. I think the inability to make new friends and the social distress became to much for me and ruined college for me as I just can't concentrate on studying the things I want to learn well anymore. I just hope recognizing my anxiety issues can help me work through some of my difficulties.
24 Jan 2009, 9:14 pm
