No friends and no relationships - totally alone in the world

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Joined: 28 Aug 2011
Gender: Male
Posts: 89
Location: Austin, TX

22 Mar 2016, 10:38 pm

People are scary

Say the wrong thing, it goes from being labeled a racist (even when no racism is intended, and I'm often the victim of racism myself), to being charged with harassment.

Then people don't tell you what you should be doing, nor do they give you any clues as to what might have gone wrong and all you know is people do mean things to you, ignore you or otherwise. Actually best time is actually being ignored sometimes because at least it won't come with a beating.

I love cats because cats will usually love you back as long as you take care of their needs. They won't tattle tell on you over little details, or call you racist/insensitive just because you used the wrong terminology.

auntblabby
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22 Mar 2016, 10:45 pm

the reflection in the mirror is the same way :alien:

radiolemon
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23 Mar 2016, 1:28 am

JCJC777 wrote:

VAGraduateStudent wrote:

I'm interested in this topic. I'm a researcher studying the sociology of autism, specifically the concept of identity in people on the autism spectrum. Oh and I'm NT with many aspie friends and family.

Okay so my question is, does this being alone with no significant relationships feel "bad"? Is there loneliness connected with this, or do you wish it were otherwise? Even if while wishing, you were wishing for a companion that couldn't be, like a character or creature from a book or a game? I'm wondering if people can really be okay with their lives while feeling that none of their relationships are significant. It would be VERY interesting if they could be.

Interesting and thought provoking.

1. I love, just love, my times on my own (like right now) - I can think clearly, do my own stuff, make some progress on things that mean something to me.
However I'm not sure
- if I'd feel that way if I was on my own all the time. I think I'd be fine, but I might be fooling myself; there may be some deep apeman need for society and connection.
- if my deepest pleasures on my own stack up as real pleasures, the sort that are worth staying alive for. Sailing a Hobie cat (alone) on a warm sunny day maybe, but maybe that would decline if I did more of it. Walking in the country probably not. Saving the world (haha) with some brilliant (haha) intellectual thinking probably not. Caffeine and/or alcohol probably not (except those first few caffeine hits after a break, before my body has habituated again to it).
Maybe 'doing stuff' is an escape from the social pain - rather than a pleasure in itself. And is an escape from pain worth staying alive for?

2. I have significant relationships (wife, children, wider family members, social links), which are the major source of my pain - because those relationships seem to be a consistent source of pain, disappointment and upset to the other person, and I pick that up. I am not as interactive, warm, funny, happy etc as the other person consistently expects and/or wants me to be. Despite years of evidence, they keep on expecting to be normal and NT-like. And to blame me when I don't do it. NT behaviour is the social norm, the expected standard. Slips from that cause disconcertion and pain. Sometimes I can sort of hold it together so an evening is ok, or a meal goes well (especially if I get a chance to talk on one of my interests), the floor does not give way. But it's only time until an intense and complex social situation blows my cover apart again, causes my systems to overload and lock-up. Until I disappoint again.

My relationship with my wife has been a source of real pleasure, the sort that is worth staying alive for. When it's been good it's been extraordinarily good, liquid molten gold.
but it's also been a source of pain, and constant work, effort, to try to not upset and disappoint her, to give her fragments of communication and togetherness, as best I can. And never enough. And all the hurts I cause her add up over time, to scar not just her but me also (I am scarred by seeing her being scarred).

As Bono sang "Did I disappoint you? or leave a bad taste in your mouth?.....And I can't keep holding on / To what you got / When all you've got is hurt "

Christmas has been hard... the normal process steps of becoming exhausted and as a result increasingly disappointing and thus hurting others when my systems fail and I can't keep the NT-act going.

So what is the outlook? is it worth carrying on? maybe I'll try the single life. She could find another... who'd probably love her better. We made some promises - for better or worse, until death us do part - but maybe a mutual contract can be broken if both parties agree it is for the best. Then I could be free, and alone (I'd have to think about how to play my relationships with my children). But, as above - would I actually just feel alone? And God was in that contract also, my promise was also to Him.

Before I've always worked, believed I could overcome the issues. Tried, and looked for new ideas, methods, ways to try. Now I'm not so sure. Fading energy, weaker, tired, still the pain, less optimism that anything will change.

This is quite relateable to how things are going between me and my GF.
I don't act normally, yet, she keeps expecting me to act normally. In the end, I just frustrate her, but there are good times that make up for it.

radiolemon
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23 Mar 2016, 1:39 am

VAGraduateStudent wrote:

What's driving my research right now is the social "cause" of autism. Obviously people are born with systematic/autistic thinking or with more typical types of thinking and that results in the different social behaviors that we see. What seems to happen is that people with ASD (whether Aspergers, HFA, nonverbal, limited verbal abilities, or PDD-NOS) have different behaviors when they're infants and toddlers, so their parents and doctors notice this and start treating them differently than other children. They also openly say that they're different or "special."

Then the kids go to school or are around other kids. Either when kids with ASD are toddlers or in childhood they figure out that they're different from their peers and this impacts the formation of their identity. They see themselves as "a person who is different." Many of us see ourselves as "a person who is different." I saw myself that way growing up because I had red hair. Somewhere in childhood, pubescence, or adolescence, kids with ASD try to make friends because they become lonely, but they experience some kind of rejection because of their social skills. I think this is the emergence of the realization that one is autistic. At some point the individual either figures out or is told that he or she is autistic. When one accepts this, the individual's identity is adjusted to "I am a person with autism/Aspergers." What that means depends on how one views ASD/AS and how one views the rest of society. And then all throughout this process are attempts to learn NT behaviors, which is essentially "passing" just like one would "pass" as White if you were a light skinned Black person.

This is essentially what I'm working on for my MS and PhD. Bits of this here and there have been already shown in research, but I'll have to do my own research to show most of it academically. I'm using grounded theory, which means I'm not assuming that I'm right and will adjust if it turns out I'm wrong about anything.

This sounds very interesting! I hope I would have the chance to read your work once you finish it.

I was told that I have Aspergers when I was 8 years old, and I remember being pretty upset about it. I learned that I was different than other kids, which resulted in me thinking very lowly of myself. Throughout my years in public school, I became very aware of my atypical behavior, and I would often become friends with the "wrong" people because I just wanted to have some kind of friend.

My good friends from high school have told me that maybe "the magic was in me all along," i.e. being told that you are different triggers self-fulfilling prophecy, where you act as society views people with Aspergers because that is part of your identity. (Business people wear suits because that is part of their identity, so people with Aspergers act with repetition on what they find interesting, etc).

I personally think that the self-fulfilling prophecy could play a role, but I act different enough from the average person that I'm sure that my way of thinking really is different in some kind of way.

Thanks for making your MD and PhD about this topic, it's very exciting!

Neo Redpill 101
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Joined: 27 Mar 2016
Age: 40
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02 Apr 2016, 9:18 am

I have had some girlfriends in my life, but only through manipulation (pretending to be someone I'm not). I'm unable to form truly intimate relationships due to severe mental problems, insecurities, paranoia, anger issues, lack of emotion (mostly). I want to have real relationships with people but it is just so difficult for me.

I have had small circles of friends in the past, but I was always the least liked person in the group or the guy that nobody really liked, but tried to. People always acted awkward around me. I don't doubt that many people mistook my Asperger's for evil, selfishness, etc.

lonelyramen
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03 Apr 2016, 2:09 am

I'm alone too, but live with my cat.

I keep in touch with my family, but live in a different country from them. We're generally on good terms but they don't want to know about things like aspergers so i don't bring it up. They think I'm weird for not having friends (I'm in my thirties). Sometimes I lie to them about having social engagements, just to make the conversation go more smoothly.

Living in another country with a different language, I am immediately an outsider, so maybe I can be different more comfortably.

I love being alone. But also have overwhelming social desires. I don't hate people. I want to have friends. Just really hard to do, especially as we get older.

Esme
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Joined: 16 May 2015
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03 Apr 2016, 7:51 am

I think I'm lucky in having an unsually large family, so I'm rarely completely alone if I don't want to be. I also work full time in IT, in a team of people that would mostly fall into the autistic category to varying extremes. Although I wouldn't class any of these individuals as 'friends', we have been out as a group a few times and everyone tends to get on well as we have a similar mindset. However, I struggle to know when an 'aquaintance' or 'work colleague' moves into 'friend' territory and have, in hindsight, walked away from several potentially good friendships due to not realising that the individual was interested. I've also messed up good working relationships when I was much younger by assuming they wanted to be friends. So now I tend to look specifically for other aspie people as there is less likelihood of mixed signals.

Neo Redpill 101
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03 Apr 2016, 11:58 am

The only people who like me just don't understand me totally. So in this sense, I'm very alone in this world.

auntblabby
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03 Apr 2016, 1:43 pm

we're born alone and die alone.

green0star
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06 Apr 2016, 6:29 am

I don't think adults make friends very easily because noone has time to. Once you age out of grade school thats kinda it for friends. Only if you're lucky you won't have gone through unfortunate events that would have lead you to eventually cut ties with all your friends too.

Esme
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06 Apr 2016, 7:47 am

True. If you have to constantly move across the country/world for work then it's difficult to keep in touch with even your family.

Frankie_J
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10 Apr 2016, 2:27 pm

I have no friends. My partner left me in January and I'm still in a lot of pain from that. I'm trying so hard not to predict I will be alone forever, but it creeps into my head far too much. I really wish I had one or two good friends in my life. I just can't see myself as someone any one would really like or even... love. If I speak to someone I get it in my head that they find me uninteresting or something and I'm not worth their time. I just feel friendship and love happens to everyone else - even people who don't deserve it - but not me. Terribly depressing, I know. Even Hitler had Eva Braun.. jeez! And I don't have a job either, but when I ever did in the past I didn't make friends, quite the opposite. I feel pathetic for feeling lonely, but I am really lonely.

auntblabby
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10 Apr 2016, 10:17 pm

Frankie_J wrote:

^^^^lots of people here on WP want to be your friend :flower:

taiwanluthiers
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10 Apr 2016, 11:08 pm

I'm beginning to accept that my friendship will be few... and probably won't have a friend of opposite sex unless I can cure Asperger's (because I think that's what its going to take). I am really stumbling in the dark when it comes to relationships.

Frankie_J
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11 Apr 2016, 11:58 am

auntblabby wrote:

Frankie_J wrote:

^^^^lots of people here on WP want to be your friend :flower:

I hope that is true. Thanks. I think I remember you. I used to come on the forums here in the past and your profile pic looks familiar.

auntblabby
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11 Apr 2016, 3:29 pm

Frankie_J wrote:

auntblabby wrote:

Frankie_J wrote:

^^^^lots of people here on WP want to be your friend :flower:

I hope that is true. Thanks. I think I remember you. I used to come on the forums here in the past and your profile pic looks familiar.

you're welcome

you have a good memory :wtg:

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