How many friends do you have?

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AspiePrincess611
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26 Oct 2020, 2:15 pm

adromedanblackhole wrote:

AspiePrincess611 wrote:

It depends on the definition of "friends". Do I have "girlfriends" who I go shopping with and hang out with and who call me regularly? No. Not at all. I don't have male "friends" who do this either. I've never had any friendships of this kind that have lasted more than a couple months. For years I wondered why I had such a hard time understanding friendship and making/keeping friends. I thought I was the only one. So I did some research, and found out I was on the spectrum. It's comforting to know that there are other people out there that go through the same thing. If I go places with anyone it's almost always a family member. I don't really have online "friends" either, although I (sometimes) enjoy posting and replying on WP. If you call neighbors and people you know from school, work, or your kids' activities, who you say hi to and talk to when you occasionally see them somewhere, "friends", then I have a few of those. I typically call those people "acquaintances" though. "Friends" to me means someone you speak to regularly and spend time with (online or in person).

To me a friend is someone who will share in your happiness when life is going well for you and console you when life is not going as well.

Usually activity buddies (group of girlfriends that go shopping etc etc) just like passing time with other people but I've found there's not really an indicator that these types of people really value you in any meaningful way. They just don't like doing things alone.

Other than my family, I don't really have anyone like that. I'm so nervous and uncomfortable around people, and I always feel the need to put on an "act" to please them.
I prefer passing time alone to passing time with others, mostly. When I do things alone, sometimes I get lonely though. But when I do things with my family, we usually annoy each other. I don't feel comfortable or myself at all around people I'm not used to.

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adromedanblackhole
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26 Oct 2020, 9:12 pm

AspiePrincess611 wrote:

adromedanblackhole wrote:

AspiePrincess611 wrote:

I'm generally the same.
It makes people generally assume I'm stuck up. When in actuality I'm just uncomfortable and unsure what the rules of engagement are.

Unless I have one or two people with me that I know, then a whole other side of me comes out and I am having a great time and I want to make sure that everyone else whether I know them or not is having a great time too.

For me the trickiest social rules are work environments and even worse still, the granddaddy of all things awkward: socials at work ahhhhhhhhhhhh crrrrrrrrrrrrringe. And there are never pets around for me to distract myself.

Oh no there is one worse social environment still: weddings
I loath them with a fury. The worst of the worst, the Lord King Emperor of awkward is being invited with all of your coworkers for a superior's wedding. Dear god I think I will combust.

Ade C
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27 Oct 2020, 4:03 pm

I used to have quite a few friends through work but that all went horribly wrong a couple of years ago when someone who I'd been good friends with for 16 years decided to stab me in the back big style. I've now had to start from scratch again in a new job. I find it terribly hard work to try and maintain friendships and sometimes wonder if it's worth the effort but I get desperately lonely without them

adromedanblackhole
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27 Oct 2020, 5:51 pm

Ade C wrote:

I am always very suspicious of coworkers who try to present themselves as friends.
They have literally never been friends, just people trying to get close enough to me to pick something I've said out of context and make me look bad to make themselves look better because I am highly competent in my job and tend to leave the rest of my team in the dust. The only way to catch me is to drag me down rather than aspire to be better. This or the group collectively pits themselves against me and every interaction is a passive war dance.

I have never truly felt like a work friend was indeed a friend. Generally speaking, I am curious if my friends are actually friends. Usually if I put them in the right contexts to get the truth out of them, get to how does this person really feel about me, the friendship is something akin to them thinking they're doing me a favor by spending time with me and me find them less than an intellectual peer. I am running through every "friend" that comes to mind right now and this is the scenario. Do they really care about me? Eh, not sure.

I've just decided recently to be my own best friend and I'm a lot happier for it.

Edna3362
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27 Oct 2020, 6:52 pm

How does one actually define a friend though?

In personal terms, many I can honor.
Many because friendship is also different here.
But I cannot enumerate them all.

So I'll just skip it down to the most exclusive of layers;

Only 4-5 I've felt equal with, the closest I could've sought for a friend and consider a friend in a strictest sense.
3 are online friends.

2-3 I've been besties with said equals at some point. 2 of them are online friends.

Had more than former best friends than that -- had currently at least 6 best friends, at least one in various stages of my life.

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Ade C
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29 Oct 2020, 4:46 pm

adromedanblackhole wrote:

Ade C wrote:

When I've known someone for 16 years, when I've been invited to their wedding, when we've bought presents for each other's children and when we've had many heart to heart conversations, I tend to regard them as a friend

beady
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30 Oct 2020, 9:54 am

Pepe wrote:

beady wrote:

I have an “ex”-spouse (we live separately but I visit once or twice a month (purely platonic). Consider this a fragile friendship.
I have a nearly life long friend I felt very close to for years until I realized it was mostly one way. I still value our relationship. We don’t live close to each other so have long conversations on the phone about every other month. She is a faithful friend but wouldn’t inconvenience herself too much for me.
I have three grown children that have all moved away. I love them all and talk to each every couple weeks or more often. I would say they love me but I think we all enjoy our independence. They would come if needed.
I have very limited relationships with neighbors. They are decent folks.
I tremendously value my privacy and space but would like to meet a kindred soul to do occasional shared activities.
I think this sounds like something posted on a “find a friend” app.
I’m thankful for the members of wrong planet and consider this population as remote friends. Sometimes I come here when I’m feeling friendless and appreciate your faithful presence. :heart:

Hi, beady, I don't think we have met.

Perhaps not formally, but I see your posts on many of the same threads.
Greetings

hariboci
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31 Oct 2020, 12:59 pm

I see many of you asked to define friend. Certainly it might mean something totally different for everyone. I can see many young people who after an hour talk next to a drink call the other "friend" and I know a man who calls someone a friend only after 15 years

My definition gradually changed in the recent years and it's much stricter. Just because I talk to someone for a few days or weeks it won't qualify them to be friends, it's not so much a time limit, but because I became more private it also takes more time to call a person friend.
It's more about the quality of our connection:
can I truly be myself without holding back or masking?
can I share my things and are they care about it?
can I count on them when I'm in trouble?
do they seek out or only I initiate the conversations?
etc.

In this sense probably I have only one friend, but it's a relatively new connection, anything can happen.
The rest I call buddies/pals.

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adromedanblackhole
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31 Oct 2020, 1:33 pm

hariboci wrote:

My definition gradually changed in the recent years and it's much stricter. Just because I talk to someone for a few days or weeks it won't qualify them to be friends, it's not so much a time limit, but because I became more private it also takes more time to call a person friend.
It's more about the quality of our connection:
can I truly be myself without holding back or masking?
can I share my things and are they care about it?
can I count on them when I'm in trouble?
do they seek out or only I initiate the conversations?
etc.

In this sense probably I have only one friend, but it's a relatively new connection, anything can happen.
The rest I call buddies/pals.

I'm with you here

adromedanblackhole
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31 Oct 2020, 10:44 pm

Well friends, yes you guys are my friends whether you like it or not
I just read this and became nearly completely terrified:
https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2017/02/how- ... -an-adult/

cyberdad
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31 Oct 2020, 10:54 pm

adromedanblackhole wrote:

Well friends, yes you guys are my friends whether you like it or not

I just read this and became nearly completely terrified:
https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2017/02/how- ... -an-adult/

Hey friend

Pepe
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31 Oct 2020, 10:55 pm

adromedanblackhole wrote:

Well friends, yes you guys are my friends whether you like it or not ;)
I just read this and became nearly completely terrified:
https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2017/02/how- ... -an-adult/

Even *ME*?!

BTW, my only regret is that I didn't stop myself from being conceived.

Pepe
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31 Oct 2020, 10:56 pm

cyberdad wrote:

adromedanblackhole wrote:

Well friends, yes you guys are my friends whether you like it or not

I just read this and became nearly completely terrified:
https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2017/02/how- ... -an-adult/

Hey friend

Yes, yes, yes.
We know you :heart:

each other.
We *ALL* know it. :mrgreen:

Pepe
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31 Oct 2020, 10:59 pm

hariboci wrote:

Here's a joint.
Let's be friends. :mrgreen:

cyberdad
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31 Oct 2020, 11:01 pm

hariboci wrote:

I see many of you asked to define friend. Certainly it might mean something totally different for everyone.

The classic NT friendship is beautifully explained in this song by Clarence Clemens & Jackson Browne

The girl in the clip who also provides vocals is ironically from the most famous woman with Aspergers of all time, the beautiful Daryl Hannah

cyberdad
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31 Oct 2020, 11:02 pm

Pepe wrote:

cyberdad wrote:

adromedanblackhole wrote:

Well friends, yes you guys are my friends whether you like it or not

I just read this and became nearly completely terrified:
https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2017/02/how- ... -an-adult/

Hey friend

Yes, yes, yes.
We know you :heart:

each other.
We *ALL* know it. :mrgreen:

Hey buddy!

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