THE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL EYE CONTACT

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THE SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL EYE CONTACT

Shakespeare said, "The eyes are the windows of the soul."

If that is true, then aspies prefer shutters and blinds. Eye contact is a perennial thorn in the side of aspies who desire and seek out social contact but would rather not lock eyes with their colleagues, friends, or lovers. The discomfort of eye contact ranges from vague to unbearable. The results of improper eye contact can be socially catastrophic in an NT world.

But all is not lost. Taking a look at the subconscious needs of NTs and aspies reveals a pattern of mistaken communication that can be righted with a little knowledge and practice.


The Aspie Problem
Most aspies express confusion about eye contact and its meaning to NTs. Studies suggest that aspies and auties avoid eye contact because it triggers a "fight or flight" mechanism in their brains. The mechanism is subconscious. They feel no desire for eye contact, so they fail to empathize with the seeming hunger NTs have for it. Aspies avoid looking people directly in the face to maintain their own calmness and comfort.


The NT Problem
NTs have three negative reactions to improper eye contact. The nature of the reaction depends on whether an NT receives no eye contact at all, too little eye contact, or too much. An NT's reaction, like that of an aspie, is usually subconscious and outside his awareness. It comes as a vague feeling of antipathy. The secret to successful eye contact with an NT lies in a Golden Mean.


No Eye Contact
NTs react two different ways to a complete absence of eye contact: feelings of dominance or unimportance. An NT who is pushing an agenda will see the absence of eye contact as a sign that the other party submits to him. He will judge that the other party literally "cannot face him," and he can do whatever he pleases.

When an NT asks a question or seeks attention from someone but receives no eye contact, he interprets it as a dismissal: "I have no time for you, " or "I'm not interested in what you have to say." An NT feels unimportant and unheard.


Too Little Eye Contact
For an aspie, the subject of too little eye contact raises a technical question: "Wait a minute: how much is too little? How do I tell?" Studies show that two people in a normal, healthy conversation make eye contact 30-60% of the time.

When the eye contact drops below 30%, an NT begins to feel that his conversation partner is untrustworthy. The stereotype of the shifty-eyed crook is really a dramatization of a deep psychological mechanism in NTs. Few NTs would be able to pinpoint the source of their unease as lack of eye contact, but they will say something like, "I feel like he's hiding something."

The result: an NT will of course react in kind: he will begin to feel guarded and withdrawn himself. Pretty soon, for no apparent reason, the conversation dries up and stops.


Too Much Eye Contact
The general reaction of an NT receiving too much eye time is to feel as if the other person is more interested in him personally than in what he is actually saying. He will say, "I feel like he's trying to get something from me." The specific reaction varies depending on whether it is a man or a woman receiving too much eye time. two examples:

An NT woman receiving an intense gaze from a man in excess of 60% of the time will often decide that the "something wanted" from her is sex. She will become turned off and offended. "What a creep." Many an aspie man has made this mistake on a date by trying to be attentive, only to wind up making the lady feel like a bug under a microscope.

When an NT man receives a stare from another man, his gut reaction is to pound the offender flat. Why? Because between human males--and most other animals from parrots to gorillas--an unbroken stare signals aggression. Whether he strikes out or not, communication is certain to go down the tubes.


Solutions
Certain people connected to aspies--family members, close friends, steady lovers--tolerate inconsistent eye contact. But what about all those situations that require a much-needed good first impression? Job interviews, college admissions interviews, first dates, second dates ... the list goes on and on. What is an aspie to do?


Soft Focus
A viable alternative to uncomfortable eye contact comes from what optometrists call "soft focus." Soft focus means that the attention of the viewer moves from the center of his vision to the peripheral vision. Athletes, swordsmen, and fast readers practice soft focus as a way of life.

Aspies can do the same. The trick comes in setting the center of the vision on the other person's eyes, but moving the attention away from the person's eyes to the peripheral vision. Physiologically, it causes the viewer to relax. An aspie gets the added bonus of avoiding the discomfort of locked eye contact.


Checking In
NTs expect eye contact only at certain times, during what I call "The Check-In". The check-in comes when the speaker locks eyes briefly with his listener to make sure he is tracking along. The trick is, aspies, make sure you are there for the check in! Using your soft focus, lock eyes for a second or two. If the speaker continues to stare at you, break the gaze and look away. You've done your job. You have told the speaker you are tracking along and are comfortable with him.

When you are the speaker, repeat the same process backwards. Check in with your listener using soft focus, then give it a break. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. They'll love you.


Controlling the Field
Aspies who start out using these techiniques will most likely become tired after a short while. Stamina comes with practice. Until that stamina is built, it is important to control the field. Make sure to have an excuse ready when you get tired, so that you can bow out without exceeding your tolerance. Remember: practice breeds stamina, but failure breeds frustration. Do not push yourself beyond what you can do!

Use
Eye contact is subtle body language. That's all, no mystery involved. Any aspie can improve his communication skills to some degree by learning and applying the rules of eye contact. I really believe you will be pleasantly surprised at how easy it becomes after some regular use, and how much more tolerable and even successful face-to-face interaction becomes. Very best wishes!

Last edited by GroovyDruid on 30 Nov 2005, 5:26 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Two more tools:

1) My doctor suggested I try to look at their chin, nose, forehead, etc. Unless you are very close to them, most people can't tell exactly where you're looking. Obviously, the closer you get to them, the closer to their eyes you would need to look in order to create the illusion of eye contact. To add to his advice, I would suggest the cheeks are probably the best place to look, because I've noticed a lot of NT people will shift their gaze left and right because they can only really focus on one eye at a time. I think they mostly do this when they are angry, but I'm not sure. Anyway, looking at their cheeks gives you an opportunity to shift your focus left and right as well.

2) A tactic I learned as a small child was to look "through" people. I may be looking right at their pupils but the "fight or flight" reaction is subdued because I'm actually focussing on whatever is behind them. Again, if you're too close then this won't work because it does tend to look like a blank stare.

Excellent suggestions! I've used both those as well, especially looking through people.

the most successful way I do eye contact is: their eye, my fist.

I used to use a sporadic soft focus, which slowly turned into a more conviningly NT eye contact by supressing and then eliminating the flight or fleet response which causes the eye contact to be more natural and consistent. The eyes really are a gateway, and I feel I'm just starting to enter it.

Excellent article. I'm going to try some of this. I typically look at the mouth when talking to someone. I'm always amazed at how much emphasis NT's place on eye contact. I discovered in high school that I could totally unerve one of my teachers by looking about 1ft to the left of her head while answering a question. She would actually lean over trying to get into my field of vision.

So glad you liked it. When I found this stuff out, it certainly answered a lot of questions I had.

That thing about the teacher is funny! We aspies mess with people so often, sometimes without even knowing it!

I used the "looking at the mouth" trick as well for a while. What I discovered is that it isn't as bad as avoiding contact completely, but people usually feel like you're not quite present in the conversation. It is strange how much emphasis NTs put on actually locking orbs, isn't it?

Please, check back in after you've tried some of the stuff and tell me how it went. I'd love to know how helpful others find it in practice.

Last edited by GroovyDruid on 26 Nov 2005, 2:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'll have to remember that for any follow-up article.

by the way, did any of this stuff ring true for you?

Very interesting. I have usually overcome the eye contact problem in two ways. When possible I engage in the walk and talk method of communications that puts the person next to you. When impossible (meetings etc.) I do short bursts of eye contact and move my eyes around to others in the room or make notes so it is ok that my eyes are looking down.

I love the idea of soft focus. I know that if I look directly at someone in the eyes I can scare them because I stare.

Another thing I used to do when I was younger was look in the right place but with my eyes half closed. This made people curious but did not offend them.

Y

Thank you! I have never been able to get this right. I asked some NT's about it, but they didn't seem to know either. I used to look at mouths, but stopped after someone asked me if they had something in their teeth. After that I worried about looking at anything in particular, so it became mainly peripheral. I will try the eyes some more now. I am sure it will be quite electrifying.

it's good but it's not the right sort of article for someone like me. it's very good for autistics who can choose to follow that sort of advice and use it for their own advantage (which would be empowering), but I don't think there should be any expectation on aspies to have to put in extra effort to act NT as that would be disempowering.



I don't feel no desire for eye contact (I actually am looking at the other person's eyes through peripheral vision, it just doesn't look like I'm making eye contact.) and saying 'fail to empathise' is loaded language. direct eye contact triggers a look-away reaction, it would be worse than looking at two pictures of goatse guy (ironically we're not allowed to post pictures of goatse guy here but posting pictures of eyes is perfectly fine!?!?!?) eye contact also triggers a fight-or-flight reaction, but that's basic psychology, it's a learnt behaviour, it's because the situations that have involved eye-contact have been painful. taking away that flight-reaction won't solve the problem, because the pre-existing problems that make eye-contact hard are still there.



it's true that NTs believe this, but did you know it is actually wrong? liars have to maintain average to above-average eye contact. this is because the liar has to look into the other person's eyes to know whether they are being believed or not. so why do NTs believe that people who don't make much eye contact is a liar? it follows that someone who doesn't make eye contact can't successfully lie. so if they do lie, it's easy for an NT to tell. the truth is that an NT has been lied to far more times by people who made full eye contact, they were just completely duped by it so they didn't notice!



this is one of the areas where I very strongly disagree. I don't think that, just because NTs have norms regarding eye contact that it means they can demand conformance from absolutely everyone. I think that we, as aspies, can say that we also have norms, standards and expectations, and one of the most fundamental ones is having our own individual needs taken into account. also I've noticed that many aspies have a different way of making eye contact - instead of simultaneously looking at each other, they take turns to make glances at the other persons eyes. making constant eye contact is considered offensive.

so I think we can demand of interviewers that it would be a reasonable accomodation for them to make eye contact in an acceptable way for us. them failing to do that is putting us at a disadvantage in an interview (and if you officially disclosed about AS on an application, that would be strong grounds for complaint). obvoiusly it's more tricky with dates but the problem there is you have to bring it up some time - if you make a perfect first impression, perfect eye contact could be expected of you at all times... so is it really fair on your partner or yourself to give a false first impression?



couple of points here: first it's never possible to improve in two areas at once. so, for example, if you have difficulty with talking, you can't improve in eye contact at the same time, as you have enough stress with just the talking bit! also the last paragraph is very wrong - there are people for whom it will never get easier by trying, such people need to assert their rights to make other people behave in an acceptable way to them... it is OK to ask someone not to make so much eye contact.

that's been my secret to other kinds of autistic discomfort - my saying is "as I've been less tolerant I've been more tolerant", in other words, the more I've told people to, for example, not make so much noise, the more noise-tolerant I've been for unexpected noise. the more I've made people accept that I won't tolerate unwanted social situations, the more I've been able to tolerate social situations, even unexpected ones.

Thanks so much for for explicating your thoughts.

Yes, it's certainly true that NTs can be more accomodating of aspies/auties and their needs. The explanations and suggestions in the article, while perhaps not useful in its entirety to everyone, will impart some kernel of truth useful to aspies and auties out there during those times when they must operate in a predominantly NT world.

Best wishes!

Most welcome.



Yeah, asking an NT about this stuff--unless they've studied it--is like asking someone how it is they walk. They just do it as part of their nature.



I tried the mouth thing for a while and discovered, as you did, that it makes people uncomfortable. They feel evaluated.

Amazing how such a little change can make NTs feel so different toward you, isn't it?

Yeah, staring can be a problem, because soft focus is so relaxing to the aspie. It takes some conscious effort to remember to blink regularly and avert your eyes at regular intervals to the side. Pretty soon, you find the rhythm and it gets to be a habit. It's never effortless in my experience, but it's better than having all the NTs not wanting to talk to you at all.

As a bonus, this can make small talk pretty exciting. The verbal exchange is only 7% of the communication. Managing the eye contact becomes the real game. And of course, it's exhilerating to see the NT responding and leaning toward you and treating you like you're an interesting person, rather than some sort of conversation rash.

Groovy,

That's a very refreshing read. I bookmarked for my own reference. You sound like you've been redearching this subject pretty intensively and probably socializing more than your average Aspie to be experiencing it.

I'm curious about something: did you join a speaker's club (ie: ToastMasters or Dale Carnegie)? I ask this because such a club's mandate includes providing a supportive environment for any individual wishing to hone up on speaking and communications skills.

I did join TM fairly recently and will probably start a thread about it once I get to know them well enough.

I think your thread is worthy of every Aspie's attention.

Yes, I've been studying body language, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and learned conversation skills for a while now.

As I learn things, I go out and try them to see how they fare. Whereas I used to avoid face-to-face interaction strenuously, now I take most opportunities to socialize as a chance to hone my skills in establishing rapport with NTs. Parties, chance meetings, cute girls at the market ... The only time I avoid conversation now is when I'm tired, because I can't keep my focus, and I lapse into my natural habits.



I read Dale Carnegie's works, but I never joined a speaker's club. That's an excellent idea. Good for you branching out like that! You should start a thread when you have some experiences to talk about. We aspies have a lot of compensating to do, and we need to share useful info with one another.

I took acting classes for several years. That helped with anxiety in front of and around people.



Thanks so much. Hearing you say so makes the effort I put into the article well worth it.