Get someone to talk to me

Post Reply New Topic

There is a family that I know that visits my city every summer. About 8 years ago, they moved to the other side of the state. I didn't meet them until about 3 years ago. The first time I met one of them, it was when I was at a conference near their home. We talked a little bit, but didn't really connect. Several months later, they came to the city where I live which is where they were originally from. I went paintballing with one of the guys in the family along with mutual friends. We seemed to connect. I also became somewhat close to his younger brother, also close to my age. Partially, because they were in town to visit their cousins (friends of mine too) and they had to work. There have been people whom they have met in my area after having met me that they sometimes seem closer too. I want to develop a closer relationship with them but find it difficult. Yes, I can invite them to do things, but I also want them to think of me when they are making their own plans. For example, since I am friends with the cousins that they are staying with, maybe if they are going to hang out with their cousins and a couple of friends they could say "Let's invite ad2009." HELP!

Sorry, wish I could help, but I suck at the very thing you need help with, I'm interested to read helpful responses,(for my own benefit), Maybe we can learn something here.

I'm sure someone out there has some suggestions. Come on guys. It's challenging, but if we put our heads together, we can help each other. Like puzzle 62 said, "Maybe we can learn something here."

in

I'm sure someone out there has some suggestions. Come on guys. It's challenging, but if we put our heads together, we can help each other. Like puzzle 62 said, "Maybe we can learn something here."

I'm not exactly sure. But in my experience, 'out of sight means out of mind'. You have to see the people regularly and they will become used to you being part of their plans. If you get on well enough and they have become accustomed to having you there with them, they may invite you.

I'm going to see this person tommorow. I need help and quick.

Would asking to be invited be out of the question? I suck at such interactions too, and have at times simply asked to be included. Success rate isn't high, but it has worked.

Asking to be invited is a serious no-no. If they don't want you to come, they will resent you for either making them say you're not invited(no one wants to look like a jerk, even if they are one), or for guilting them into letting you tag along.

You have made friends or at least acquaintances with all involved, correct? As an AS I have had this problem too, (along with my husband,son and daughter). I have been successful getting integrated because I finally learned that I was being too competitive regarding my interest. Example, if you are good at baseball and Joe is good at hockey, you can be proud of yourself, but don't forget to let Joe talk about his games or his scores (and genuinely be happy for him). I watch my family who suffers so badly still and see the same trend with all of them, so I think this is an AS thing. We get so wrapped up in ourselves and our interests that we want everyone around us to love it as much as us and be equally as impressed. When they don't, the wind is let out of our sails and we either get snippy (my husband) and a "their out to get me" attitude, or we get needy (me, my son and daughter). Everyone wants to be valued and has the right to be. It is something that can be learned even if it isn't a natural talent. I worked at it in every interaction and now it comes without thinking to do it anymore. I am beginning to actually care about what others are saying now and responding appropriately because the reactions I got when I "faked" my interest was that they felt I appreciated them for who they were, and that seems to be what socialization is really all about. My Husband is still stuck, but my son is getting much better. He sees it as a challenge to get to the "don't have to think about it" stage and is realizing that there are a lot of interesting people that introduce him to neat things. It took me many years to figure it out and I wish someone would have handed me the key a long time ago, but at least it is achievable. Enter in with the thought "Ask about them and listen (actually listen) and care about what they say. Respond to it. Try or fake appreciation for their opinion. You want the same from them" then turn off the mind and turn the thoughts into action. It isn't easy, but practice it. It does work. A few interactions like that and I am sure you will not be forgotten because they will see you as someone who is fun and has a mind of his own without needing to point it out all the time. Hope this helps.

Do the unthinkable and unconventional - ask. Tell them that you enjoy their company, and would like to find opportunities to hang out more often. Both sides will have to be proactive in getting together, but why make it more complicated? Just do not attach expectation or demand on what you say.


M.