Where did all the manners go?

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I often get called inconsiderate, rude, etc, but on an almost daily basis I see people disrespecting and taking advantage of other people in a way that I never would.

One example of this is a girl in my class who once put her coat on my desk as though my desk was merely an extension of hers, and then complained when I moved it (the coat was "expensive" apparently. I replied that if it is likely to be unrepairably damaged by someone picking it up and moving it, she wasted her money buying a coat of such crappy quality).

That is one specific incident, but it is more about the general attitude of people.

I don't understand the mindset of these people. Do they not feel guilty for infringing on other people's rights and/or personal space? If not, why not? Did their parents not teach them manners?

Part of me thinks that I'M the one with the problem here. Other people get away with being disrespectful to each other, while I almost won't stand up for myself for fear of treading on toes...yet I somehow still get labelled as a bad person. The headteacher at my school thinks I'm a narcissist. My mother is always saying I'm rude, and calls me on it in public (but that's another rant). It doesn't make sense to me.

I was brought up to be polite and respectful. If I am ever unintentionally rude to someone, I feel terrible about it and apologise. But it seems to be "fashionable" in our society to swan about with complete and utter disregard for other people's feelings.

People are so confusing sometimes.

i know, it almost seems like disrespect has become socially customary to some small extent. and trying to undo that disrespect just like your trying to move their jacket seems disrespectful to them when their inconsiderateness caused it all in the first place. trying resting your feet on the seat of their chair next time and maybe a tiny little light bulb will go off in their brain when they see the blatantly rude reciprocation.

it all just serves to remind me how inconsiderate and hypocritical people can be.
but at the same time i don't blame them. "judge not lest you yourself be judged" and all that.

I know. I was trying to get through the door at work, and two women were standing in front of it, couldn't go around them, almost enough room to go through them. I just stood there, because I didn't know how to manouver. They didn't notice, but kept on yakking, I smiled and nodded at them and half sang "excuse me" and started for the door between them. One of them gasped, and the other one said 'well, of all the . . .' and they exaggeratedly stepped back from each other and rolled eyes and were otherwise discommoded in their manner and attitude.

Later, I noticed that someone pulled back from me in the elevator, and I recognized her paisley blouse. It was one of the women from the door.

I truly do not know what I was supposed to do, go around and wiggle through the barely one foot gap, or walk through the three feet between them.

or probably I should have apologized for bothering them and laughed a bit and joked and asked them about their children or grandchildren and rattle off their names. . .

This one gets me all the time, causes endless complications and gets me demonized in groups for MY disrespectful behavior. And like others here, I am rarely intentionally rude or disrespectful. And I find my space routinely invaded, my conversation interrupted, my stuff messed with... and if I complain, I'm rigid, intolerant, OCD, inflexible, bossy, judgemental... I have control issues, I'm hard to get along with...

If I wasn't anti-social before, I sure as hell am now.

I work in a grocery store here in Red Deer.I have seen some pretty rude people......no wonder some call my city "Rude Deer", As I was walking , a customer farted..and it was a doozy.They knew I was walking behind them, and didnt even say excuse me.Another time, a customer farted as they left a till where I was , just a few feet behind them, getting an item for a price check.It was another smelly doozer.I have also encountered customers with really bad body odour which one could smell meters away.There are also people who come into the store with no shirt and shoes on.I have seen people coming in so scantily clad, that it isnt even funny.

Yuck.

Ya..Its also the reason many restaraunts have the NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE signs on their entrances....One would think they are in some hick backwater hole instead of a city...hence the second nickname...Red Neck Deer.

I've for the most part given up on not being "rude". It either goes one of two ways 1) I'm perceived as uber rude and get docked social points or whatever they score by, 2) I'm perceived as standing up for myself and get bonus points; and it all seems to come down to whether or not people like the person you were rude to or not. Last time I got the "how dare you walk in the middle of our conversation" type of comment/attitude, I apologized for interrupting their roadblock practice and continued on. One of the co-workers was totally offended, but the other looked around and blushed so I think she realized that they really were blocking the entire hall.

Anyone else feel sometimes though they this kind of thing escalates to nearly full on war? Example: I live on a VERY narrow street. Although two way traffic is allowed, it is only big enough for one way, and to back out of your own driveway you must back into the driveway across the street. For the most part everyone on the street acknowledges this and pulls into their driveway as far as possible to leave room and actually USE their garages for their cars. Except for the one across the street from me (why does it figure). They use their garage for storage only, no big deal accept, they have two cars. And the second car is parked always at the very front of the driveway so I can't back out. In fact the only person that can when that car is there is my boyfriends brother. So in order for me to leave by car I have to get him to come over and back my car out half the time. Fine, I can put up with that, until that is the woman who owns the car proceeded to stand out on her porch every time she hears my car start up to ensure we don't hit her car and glare at me the entire time I wait for mine to be backed out (when this started is when I started to actually get annoyed by the whole thing). Ok, so add everyone on the street has to have their garbage on one side of the street (if it is on my side of the street it doesn't get picked up). So where we were instructed to put our cans was to the side of her driveway. I make sure every time that it doesn't keep her from getting out of the driveway, but every garbage day without fail for the last month she will put my garbage back before it is picked up so I have to take it out several times (she will do this to the minute of the truck arriving) and if I am more than literally 5 minutes after the truck passes she tosses them into my driveway or into the road (which got me in trouble twice) . I reported her once, but the cop told me I was being paranoid, even though another neighbor had witnessed this multiple times and told him so. I think I'm going to take Seanmw's idea and just park at the end of my driveway and put my cans in the middle of hers till she catches on.

Sometimes I think that we have a big stamp on us that say "Approved to be rude to. No regret necessary."

That is brilliant! What a riposte!

people dont care anymore they have got no respect for anyone like the old saying i say where has the fair go for everyone gone we live in a i dont care anymore society

It's called pathological narcissism. Americans born after WWII were raised to increase their self-esteem. The result is that whatever they do is good by definition. Being rude is good. Being rude to them is not good. I experienced some of the amorality in grad school when a classmate was of the opinion that anything he liked was good and anything he didn't like was bad. Bill Clinton thinks the same way. Don't worry, George W. Bush is also narcissistic, so it is not confined to one party. Prisons are full of narcissists.

This can really go bad when a parent thinks his child is an extension of himself and, therefore, is perfect. I have a (foreign) friend who can't convince her American husband that their child is mentally ill in spite of extremely obvious signs. So, his child and wife continue to suffer.

When I was a kid, I was literally obsessed with being polite and respectful. I obeyed all the rules in the house and at school, did what I was told by adults, and never backtalked adults. Yet I was still treated like a bad kid by everyone. It seemed to me like kids who broke the rules and did things they weren't suppose to like my brother were better liked then me.

Now I've gotten to where I just don't care. No matter what I do people are always going to dislike me, so why should I try to please unpleasable people unless I can get something out of it?

Today I went to a friend's house to spray her cabbage and was telling her about turning wood chips into the soil to increase long term organic matter... and before I could finish she interrupted me, said I had to tell her husband, called her husband over, I started to tell him and he kept interrupting asking questions while she's still telling him how great this is...

In 15 seconds I was so overloaded by being caught in the middle and not being allowed to finish my sentences and answer all his questions... no, wood chips, not sawdust, like when they shred trees... but that's tree shred not wood chips... if he'd waited I would have told him why it works, but noooooooooo... and then she jumps in and starts telling him to let me finish and I'm getting sharp and you know, if I'd snapped at him, guess who would have been the rude one?

These people need energy drinks? I think they need sedatives and a course in good manners.

I had exactly this experience in the 80s - following rules (as I saw them) to the letter, yet being treated as 'the hopelessly bad one' by my parents, teachers and peers - and am saddened to hear about someone 11 years younger going through the same thing.

So much for progress.

Yeah, I don't understand? At school and at home our teachers and parents are always preaching to us to obey them and follow the rules, yet when we do 24/7 they still treat us like bad guys? Sometimes worst then kids who actually do bad things.

Ah, what a strange world NTs live in.....

I'm going to advocate in favor of good manners. Which is kinda funny from someone from the punk community where yelling f**k you at strangers is considered good form <grin>.

gina-ghettoprincess: At your age, most people have been taught good manners, but are exploring the boundaries, and learning to make complex social decisions. For NTs, it is like exercising muscles. The more you work them, the stronger they get, automatically. For me, and I imagine most aspies, the same boundaries have to be explored in a more rule-based and self-conscious way, because we use a different part of the brain. There's nothing natural or automatic about it. I add social skills by making more sophisticated cognitive emulations of the NT automatic response.

Good manners may be uncool in school, but are very useful in life. I'll always say things that are abrupt and candid, because I can't help it, but with good manners they aren't considered rude.

I have to admit I get a guilty pleasure knowing I can 'go off' on someone instantly with pretty good form, but I don't do that anymore. It isn't very useful. I just let it flow by, and find my own bliss.