Seeing all sides

Post Reply New Topic

I got so frustrated whenever two people or groups would argue and insult each other and put each other down, get angry at each other and call each other stupid and deluded, thinking they disagreed, when actually the two parties agreed and just had different ways of saying the same thing, but each one thought the other meant something different, usually as a result of the other's poor, ambiguous explanations of what they meant, and the one-track-mind, it-can't-mean-anything-but-this interpretation of the person trying to figure out what they meant.


It's even worse for me when I'm one of the sides arguing, and am trying to make the other person realize that we mean the same thing and that we therefore agree, and they won't even take a moment to listen to or process what I am saying. They just go on insisting that we disagree on whatever issue we were arguing about. I won't make assumptions, but sometimes it seems like they're doing it on purpose.

I've been there.

With some people, the issue is never the issue.
It's all about the snarls & coos.
Once they get it in their heads that they're having a confrontation,
they can't think of anything but winning or losing.
It doesn't matter whether any of it make sense.

The solution is usually some equally convoluted nonsense.
Maybe some veiled threat about the boss being your cousin or something.
I don't even try.

There's a quote about having an overly judicious mind, having an opinion, and the opposite, often at the same time. I thought it was Truman Capote, but I can't find it.

There's also a Taoist principle of believing a thing and its opposite.

For me the point of discussion is either to expand ones understanding or to make a decision, and hopefully decisions are made from understanding.

But NTs argue as social sparring, for status and entertainment. Of course aspies argue too, often over trivial facts, to restore balance in the universe.

I've learned to explore the topic a bit and move on without getting caught up in the argument. I introduce some ideas, and often later they sink in and people change their thinking, and I don't care if they realize the idea came from me or not. It's funny when someone proudly announces their new insight to me, and it was actually something I told them weeks earlier. It happens pretty often, and everybody wins.

What kills me is that often they accuse ME of being the one that refuses to realize that we're both right and is in it just for the snarls and coos. I always wonder if they really think that or if they're just saying that to make me upset and then I think, if it's the latter, is it to make other people think I'm like that or just to upset me in the more simple way? And I get overloaded and so I have a meltdown, and then the people REALLY think that I'm in it just for the snarls and coos, and then that makes me more upset, and that makes them think that even more, and that makes me more upset, and that makes them think that even more, on and on and on. It truly is hell.

If only.