Interacting with your local store clerks, salesmen, etc.

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This is a question for all of you, which I thought would fit in the social skills forum.

There are a couple of local stores I visit (grocers, mini-markets, comic book scores, etc.), and I think I've done pretty well these past few years in terms of politeness; I can say goodmorning/afternoon, thank you, bye, etc., with a smile on my face, even. But it only gets a bit difficult when the store owner or salesperson tries to start a little conversation... I suppose that's the infamous 'small talk' problem. I almost shut down when that happens - well, I don't ACTUALLY shut down anymore, but I can only give brief replies like 'yes' 'no', 'all right' or a stupid chuckle. It's as if I find it difficult to come up with a good response on such short notice in that situation, talking to someone I actually don't know THAT WELL.

For further illustration; 2 years ago I had decided that I would buy the Dutch translated Marvel X-Men comics monthly, and I had found a magazine store that carried them. So I bought an issue, next month the next issue, and the following month the next issue. That was when the store clerk said to me "X-Men again, eh? What is your favourite character?" I said "Cyclops", and took the comic on home. Though he was only trying to be friendly, I felt a bit uncomfortable and didn't like the prospect of the man trying to strike up a conversation every time I would buy my comic.

When talking to the owner of the actual comic store I also visit, I often don't know what to say either, and as a result I sometimes feel as though I come across as some type of moron, which I feel bad about because he's really a great guy. I just don't know how to go from 'business' (I give money <---> they give product) to 'casual'. Same with a cafeteria I visit. After I had visited a couple of times for fries and a meat snack, the cafeteria clerk asked me "How've you been", and all I could say was "good"... I think she expected me to pick it up from there, but I didn't, and now she doesn't ask anymore.

Rather naively, when I was a bit younger, I thought (or hoped) that store owners or clerks wouldn't remember customers' faces, so I hoped that I could remain invisible in the sea of hundreds of customers.

Anyway, your observations on this? Please share your own experiences in dealing with store owners/clerks/cashiers, etc. I'd like to keep the topic a bit broad.

There's been a cashier at the grocery store I go to that seems to go out of her way to be extra friendly. Whether it be asking about my glasses or pulling me out of line to her open register. Simple small things, except I seem to notice a tone change - almost like a hesitant gulp in the back of her throat when she speaks to me over other customers. She also seems to go out of her way to say hi/bye/how are you doing... and smiley at me no matter where she see's me in the store. It helps I am overwhelmingly hot - and it helps she is super nice, really cute, and has a great smile. Lately I've been contemplating asking her out, so I thought - she has a odd name... I'll track down her facebook. So sometime in the near future I will message her on facebook saying nothing more than "stalker" as a private message.

It does suck to communicate in a store tho. I want to say more in-store but the hustle and bustle, eyes, and people make me nervous as hell and make me want to get out quick.

When it comes to shop assistants and shopping, my eye-contact skills disappear. I can't look up from the floor, let alone at people's faces. Most times, I couldn't even tell you the gender of a shop assistant from whichever shop I'd just been in. Sometimes a shop assistant will say something nice like "that's a nice bag" and I try to just say thank you, but I think the expression on my face probably looks like I've just been shot in the head.

Shopping is on the hardest things, I think. Sensory overload-a-go-go.

xxx

Yeah, sometimes I feel embarrassed when I am always ordering/buying the same thing. I sometimes feel that I need to order/buy something different just to avoid the "You're getting item X again, is it your favorite?" kind of question.

As for small talk, it doesn't happen that often, but it doesn't bother me too much.

I've never even thought of that, but I'm not embarrassed about it. I'm quite proud that I know what I like and I like what I know

xx

I've been on both sides; sometimes I'm a cashier myself and then of course I'm the buyer when I go to other stores to buy things. When I'm a cashier, I usually never start a conversation and just ring the order and only answer their questions. The weird thing is sometimes someone says something and laughs and they expect me to laugh back or think it's funny. I just can't because I would just be a phony and I don't think it's funny in the first place. I usually just say hi and the usual, cliche line, "have a good day". If I'm the buyer, I really don't have to say anything and when they say the "have a good day" line, I just give the yup reply. If people talk to me about things I don't care about, I just shake my head sometimes and say yup, like I'm listening even though I'm not. The yup line, is the easiest form of communication for me.

Im a courtesy clerk in a store in Red Deer,and as such, I am usually giving people directions or showing them where an item is.I do price checking too....and I carry a phone with me for that.I am learning to better communicate on a phone because of that AND I am practicing eye contact with customers.I still find it difficult but over time, I will learn.I try not to be too pushy in trying to do small talk....since I sometimes bring it a little too far and take over the conversation.

Hey Cyclops.

I went through this in early 20's. I had social phobia as a youngster and found roleplaying really good for this. If you have a trusted friend (NT's are helpful) just run some scenarios through. For instance I don't think cashiers want a 20 minute long conversation, just some polite "banter" that NT's are so into. For instance it might go like this:

Cyclops: "I would like these chips and a meat snack please."
Cashy: "okay, and how've you been?"
Cyclops: "Good good. Working hard and looking forward to my meat snacks... yourself?"
Cashy: "oh yeah, nothing special. Just this and that"
Cyclops: "thanks for the meat snack, enjoy the rest of your day"
Cashy: "thanks, cya tomorrow?"
Cyclops: "Later"

As I said, i am not full bottle on it. But I have a few scripts I use when shopping. You can make a few up with an NT for all sorts of things. I.E. you go to comic book store alot. Practice a few variations of an outcome from "Who's your favourite character?" or "Who's your favourite writer?" or "What do you think of what happened to Gambit in the last issue?" etc... again. NT's aren't always looking for War & Peace. Which I found out after doing stuff like this for mine.

It's been my experience that if you practice this a little bit it becomes easier when you are put on the spot. After having done it for 8 years now I am getting quite good at spontaneously diverting from my scripts and following the NT in conversation to other parts. Just remember. It's usually over in a minute (usually 2 at the VERY most) and if you frak it up too badly it's just one person that won't talk to you. Not biggy really.


*** - Note: the above scrypt is only for illustrative purposes only.

Hmmm, a crush on a cashier, eh? Hope it'll work out for you.
(Though I also hope you're joking about the private message. Something a bit less vague would probably be received better)

That's actually very useful, Izaak. Maybe I could practice such a scenario with one of my cousins... After all, in the past I've found that preparation can be helpful when it comes to tackling social issues.
It's not necessarily that I don't want to talk when I'm in the comic store, it's usually that I don't know what to say next when the conversation has started. And sometimes when I'm outside, I'm thinking to myself "why didn't I think of this or that to say?" and it all comes to me. This also happens in other situations. Verbally I'm just not very quick.

+ Tory canuck and Homer Bob.. I can't help but think that tending to customers must be good training. I sometimes have to address customers where I work, usually on the phone, but sometimes I can leave it to others. I was pretty nervous the first time I had to do it, but each time it gets easier, obviously. I don't have daily practice with it, so I suppose that's why it doesn't feel quite 'natural' yet.

All of my life, I've been led to believe that it's perfectly okay to NOT socialize with the cashiers. As far as I can tell, most people don't. Some people do, but I don't think it's any big deal if you don't.

I remember going to a store with my friend and her mother when I was about 15. The mother was talking to the cashier, and I realized, for the first time, that I had NEVER heard my mother chatting to a cashier. So, at the time it seemed weird to be with these people, who were talking as if they were best buddies.

I have no idea what is normal or expected, but I'm pretty sure what you are doing is just fine. The only problem is that you are worrying about it a lot, and it doesn't sound like it really is something you need to worry about.

In fact, I often read things on WP where people are so obsessed about these little things, and to me, they don't seem like something to worry about. The thing is, as someone who is borderline AS, I really don't know if I'm right about that or not.) My gut tells me that NTs aren't in a constant state of perfect socializing, as some would think.

Elderwanda, I think you're probably right that "normal" people probably don't live up to the reputations for non-stop socialization they've been stuck with here.

I used to be extremely anxious about talking to strangers, especially of the opposite sex, but I actually rather enjoy talking to store clerks and cashiers these days, particularly of the opposite sex. Not all of them are easy to talk to - some are downright cold or rude - but the ones who are easy to talk to make great practice for talking to people.

For starting conversations, "has it been pretty busy today?" works well; if it's really busy or the customers seem especially pushy and rude, "wow, it's kind of crazy today, isn't it?"

The old time-honored stand-by of talking about the weather can sometimes work well enough, if something about the weather really stands out - commenting on especially nice weather seems to work best, especially if the clerk/cashier happens to be getting closer to the end of his/her shift - in that case, the nice weather is something to look forward to, and seems to brighten up a long, hard day of work.

Saying something positive about the merchandise sometimes works... "I wouldn't normally eat this, but I thought it might be good if I did this with it....", "I haven't seen one of these since I was a kid... I didn't know they even made them anymore...", "I heard that song on the radio the other day and kind of liked it, and thought I'd give the whole CD a try...." This mainly seems to work if the produce seems like an unusual twist on my routine.



I'd rather talk to almost anyone than a salesman, though - they seem to take any of my attempts at small talk practice as an invitation to try to sell me something I'm not interested in buying, sometimes in the most pushy and obnoxious ways they can think of. And their high-pressure sales attempts usually make me so uncomfortable, they usually help me decide NOT to buy it and maybe even avoid the store in the future.

Somehow this falls into the acquaintance vs. friends issue. People always talk about how Aspies have difficulty making friends but tend to ignore the "how to deal with acquaintance's" issue.

Sometimes I wonder if some NT's even differentiate between friends and acquaintances (Neighbours, Colleagues, and other people who often fall into a persons "circumference").

Also having this problem coupled with some rather extreme social phobia I have tried to come up with a solution similar to one posted above: run through a couple of possible dialogues to prepare for the actual ordeal.

The applicable problems of this are a) adaptation, the conversation always strays from the basics and b) re-occurring small talk situations, What do you talk about the next time you meet someone, you cant talk about the same nothing again?

And to boot, acquaintances seem to be people who you have nothing in common with outside of the incidental situations, you'd never be friends so expanding conversation is even more limited and borders between a waste of time and dangerous.

For me, there's the "stereotyped speech" thing when I go by script - it quickly gets wooden, mechanical, and artificial. I can't think of any way around it... either improvise and risk sounding like a clueless moron, or rehearse it and risk sounding like a programmed moron.




Now that you've mentioned it, I've heard people like that described as "invisible" - the sorts of people that "normal" people aren't really supposed to talk to, except as some sort of service. There's opportunity in there somewhere....

I had that same fear. What you'll soon discover is the you won't even have a conversation EVERY single time you talk to a person. If we refine it to shop clerks and the like. Most times it never gets beyond.. "Hi, how are ya?" And "good, you", "good" and that is it. And that'll be the vast majority of cases.

I don't know how many times the Original Poster had to go to the comic book store before the attendant spoke to him. I had to go in regularly for a few months before the book shop attendant spoke to me at any length beyond "how can I help you today?" "Just these books thanks" "Okay, that'll be ten bucks" etc...


But if you have the scripts available you'll at least have something to say if it does go out. Even if five or so of the scripts are how to avoid conversation whilst being considered polite.

Sorry about getting back to this so late in the week... Uncharacteristically, I haven't felt much desire to spend time on the 'net these past few days.

Also, BIG POST AHOY!! !

The most striking distinction I can see is the one between supermarket cashiers and small grocers or other little shops. When it comes to supermarkets, I agree that it's far easier to be an anonymous customer; the products all fly past the counter, and you barely even have to look the cashier in the eye. In the past, I've sometimes even skipped saying hello, goodbye, and even thank you. These days, I DO, but it just goes to show how mechanised the selling of products has become in supermarkets.

Not so in the smaller stores I now visit for my groceries. The atmosphere in there is far more personal, and I'm a regular customer, so I can't be anonymous there. These days, that doesn't bother me anymore, fortunately. The staff is friendly, and I've also noticed that if I'm in a good mood and I smile at a (new) cashier when at first they may seem a bit cold or distant, they'll also be cheerful the next time I come along.



Something nansnick mentioned in this thread, about the distinction between friends and acquaintances... That's something that factors into my current social life in quite different fashion: since moving to the city, I haven't had any friends at all. In their stead, in the past few years, I have retained my relatives but estranged from them a bit, sought a surrogate social life on a message board, and then found work and met colleagues and supervisors.
I experience this as having a social life that has a periphery, but not a centre. Estranged relatives, like-minded geeks on-line, friendly colleagues -- but no friends. Exclusively 'acquaintances'. It feels as though none of the people I talk to are people I can truly open my heart to, or exchange ideas with face to face, as peers, like I had when I was friends with people in my class at school... It may sound silly that I don't bother with my relatives or colleagues to try and open up to them and have a good conversation, comparing notes, etc.
...but the point I'm trying to make here is that THAT is why I worry so much about how I come across in my social interaction. If I had friends, like it used to be, friends my age, friends my flavour, whom I could mirror myself to, and who could mirror themselves to me, carrying one another in our mutual young adulthood, then I think I'd be less insecure.
But that's a topic for another thread. I'm confident that I'll be capable of friendship in the future, and I wouldn't be demanding about it either, but thoughts like these just go through my head every so often.

I dislike talking about the weather... Here in the Netherlands, the weather is everyone's favourite small talk topic. Everyone will talk about the weather to break the ice. It does sometimes come up when I'm in a store, but I'll just nod in agreement when they say something like 'nice weather'. The main 'problem' I have with talking about weather is that I seem to disagree with most people that sunny weather is supposedly 'nice' weather, while rain or cold are 'bad weather'.

In the first comic book store I visited regularly, I suspect that the store owner could clearly tell that I was a bit off, by which I mean that my autism must have shone through: at first I always visited with my mother (though I was 16), because I was afraid to go alone (I had just moved to that big city of Amsterdam, and I did not know my way around). I exclusively bought old Transformers comics, one of my childhood obsessions, and I would periodically visit the store in a tight pattern to ask whether or not the book that I had ordered had arrived yet. It must all have seemed very mechanical and strange to him, nevertheless his service toward me was excellent. About 2 years after my first visit to the store, not only was I visiting all by myself without my mother, but I had also grown a little bit more fluent in the social department.

The comic store I currently visit regularly, I approached rather boldly somewhere in 2006... I was, in fact, determined to not appear autistic (to anyone anymore, I suppose), so the first time I visited that store, I was the one to initiate a conversation (about the availability of Uncanny X-Men and my aim to collect that series). Though ever since that first visit I have been mainly a 'silent customer', who usually immediately dives into the basement to dig out some old comics which are stored there, pays the money, and gets out again, I am not thrown off that much when the owner or salespeople try to talk to me about something. True, most of my replies are limited to nods or 'yes', but I can't say it's uncomfortable.

When I go to the news agents where I live the shop keepers always strike conversations because they sort of know me now. But I don't want to, I've got nothing against them I just don't feel confortable around them. They say "how are you" and that stuff so I just quietly say "fine" and then "thanks" when they give me the change and stuff the whole time looking away from em. It took me a while to actually say "thanks" to shop keepers, didn't do it often until I was about 12. I don't want to make conversation with shopkeepers I just want to buy what ever I'm buying and go.