What does "social skills" mean to you?

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As there is a lot of talk about social skills in the ASD community, I am wondering what it means to you. I am still trying to grasp what it means, as I get different answers each time.

Does it mean being flexible in adjusting to the other person's preferences while not sacrificing too much of your own; in other words, keeping a balance?

Does it mean conforming to NT rules even though many of them are very annoying to you, like asking and answering the question "how are you", which is often fake and people don't like doing it and they do it for some stupid reason anyway even if they know you dislike being asked these sorts of vague questions?

Does it mean acting (or trying to act) like you don't have sensory integration differences even though you do?

Does it mean understanding your relative strengths and weaknesses and being able to advocate for them to adjust the situation so that it is as inclusive as possible?

Discuss.

Does it mean being flexible in adjusting to the other person's preferences while not sacrificing too much of your own; in other words, keeping a balance.

this and small talk.

I define social skills as being reasonably likeable while also being able to accomplish tasks in a social setting. Conformity is not always necessary; Some people will like an attitude or irreverence for social norms.

It means being able to behave in a way that is pleasant to other people.

I think social skills is being able to understand both other people's needs and your own.

Hmm, so I guess it's mostly flexibility and perspective-taking skills. I think all that perspective-taking really is is taking a theoretical framework and analyzing a person's behaviour in terms of that framework. I guess conformity isn't necessary as long as the person is okay with straight-up, factual information being exchanged, as opposed to being sensitive to everything and taking things personally. Different people like different things, with some people liking those who don't censor and are up-front. Therefore, I guess social skills is a fluid concept, and the social skills to be used need to be tailored to every individual, like a toolbox of pretty much every behaviour imaginable.

^ You nailed it with that last sentence, in my opinion.

I think of social skills as reading nonverbal cues well, timing in conversations ect. The kind of thing they try to teach you in social skills groups. Here's a list I found online:listofsocialskills

You're right though ........it is a fluid concept.

Social skills is like a science experience. There is an outcome you want to achieve (e.g. getting a date with an attractive person, getting people to turn up to your party).

You adjust the variables and paramteres of your method as you work to obtaining your goal.

In this case it would be talking less loudly to come off as less obstructive, maybe excusing yourself to the bathroom so your not as smelly,

daydreamer84: I’ve read through the list of social skills you have attached and, while some sound sensible, the others are not really inclusive. For example:

“Introducing yourself:
Can you go up to people on your own and meet them?”
Going up to people and talking to them does not have to involve introducing yourself. To me, for instance, some person’s name is not important if I meet them face to face, because I’ll probably forget it in a few minutes anyway. What I really care for is what people are interested in, so formal introduction tends to be just an annoyance to me.

“Starting a conversation:
Can you talk to others about simple and then more complicated stuff?”
This is not inclusive at all as people with ASD think from specific to general, which is why I think small talk bothers me so much. While it’s true that most NTs go from general to specific, this does not adjust for different ways of thinking, pushing everyone into a singular framework. Therefore, it does not always accomplish what “social skills” are supposed to accomplish, i.e. making people feel comfortable (drawing on the comments above).

“Giving a compliment:
Can you tell people you like something about them or things they do?”
I don’t think it’s fair to include this and not to include “giving constructive criticism”. It’s encouraging suppressing negatives when there is always something bad and something good in life. Creating a perfect haven in a social situation to make a person feel super-good and boost their ego is not realistic in the long run. It frustrates me when people shower me with compliments and I eventually distance myself from people like this just because the disbalance of negatives and positives feels way too fake. I also find most compliments people make are very shallow (i.e. “I like your shirt” or “You look good today”). I guess I don’t like fixating on appearances but find other things to be compliments that I actually do appreciate, like “you are very respectful” or “I like your authenticity”.

“Expressing your feelings:
Can you let others know which emotions you are feeling?”
This is a bit one-dimensional because even though I am perfectly aware of my feelings, I don’t like to talk about them because they don’t fit into conventional language terms. They are more like a mixture of colors and there are only certain ones that I can label, specifically “sad”, “anxious”, “frustrated”, or “happy/ecstatic”. However, most of the time, they’re not so black-and-white. They are also very changeable and there aren’t global themes, rather they are like color mixtures with so many colors that they are not discernable as individual units.

“Listening:
Can you pay attention to someone who is talking?”
Not inclusive, either, because it can be difficult to pay attention to the person who is talking because of sensory processing differences and especially in environments that have at least some distractions (and it is very hard to find a non-distracting environment when socializing). Therefore, again, someone who is differently wired and cannot filter information is left out, as well. Also, if "paying attention" is defined as listening, then that's fine, but forcing someone to look at the person is unfair too as body movements can be distracting to auditory processing and make the whole "listening" act absolutely pointless.

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The ones I listed above seem to force a reductionist, majority way of behaving upon someone who does not innately process in a way that is conducive to these behaviours. It’s also an imposition onto the other party who this person may be interacting with, as different wiring does need to take into account. The other ones did not bother me much, although everyone is unique and perhaps there are some others here on the list that you might object to, as well.
I guess it bothers me a lot that people try to say that there is a universal set of social skills that needs to be applied with everyone in order to “get along in the typical world”. The truth is, NTs are also different and each person appreciates certain behaviours over others.

^^^
...but these skills are still probably useful for making 99% of the population feel comfortable and getting along with them therefore if you had to go to a job interview or meet people you want to work with in the future doing things like introducing yourself ect. might be important and might help you get a job or a promotion or something.

My definition: following cultural (and sometimes just human) behavioral norms in a social context in order to get what you want out of it, i.e. effectively be able to communicate concern for the other person, a need, an argument, etc., or a gaining a new aquaintence of some kind.

I guess this might be too "textbook" for what is being asked, though.

That's a tough question. I think it's hard to articulate an answer because social skills are so subtle, intuitive and hard to define verbally. Words are actually a minor part of social skills, which are much easier to identify from a visual demonstration.

For myself, social skills means being able to converse on a superficial level with people and being able to blend in. This is because I have to make a lot of effort to blend in, and don't find anything rewarding about conversation. It's a case of doing it when I have to, and avoiding it if I can. I've managed to learn the necessary skills quite well I think, but if I was to be honest I'd say I have poor social skills because the whole thing is an act and far from natural.

Since learning about aspergers and realising that I may have it, I've lowered my social expectations of myself, which has been an amazing relief. I feel more able to be myself, and am not worried if I don't fit in, because I have good reasons for it. I don't feel so guilty about having to fake my social skills, because I can see why that is necessary.

Answering or requesting the how are you, or compliments is like playing catch. They throw the ball to you, you're suppose to catch it and throw it back since it doesn't belong to you, they would like it back. Be aware of the balling arriving (for those fake questions). If you catch it and throw it back you will eventually feel better because more people will engage with you. (might tire you out too). But the more you play, the better you will get at it. Obviously the idea is not to be too paranoid about why they are throwing it at you, or directing the question at you, but just to play the game. To get involved. This is also not to be confused with bullying. One has to draw the line where they are tormenting you vs trying to include you in the group.

Yeah I can understand that you can analyse and say that their self-worth is reflected by you acknowledging their existence, but I'm sure we all here also want to be acknowledge for who and what we are. I didn't think of this by myself, I was advised by somebody else on how to handle compliments. I think it is related to the "how are you"s

I have a lot to say about this....

My experiences are pretty much the same. The only difference is that I do enjoy conversation if it's about a topic I know about or enjoy. When the topic is foreign to me, I feel less connected with the person and enjoy myself less. I dislike the superficial stuff because I'm a very cerebral person who likes talking about ideas, and small talk is fake and lacks the depth that I like from my social connections.

However, I still do it in order to establish a friendly and warm connection with another person and to make them feel good about me. Once that's established (which is usually after I have met the person a few times and I become comfortable around them) then I might move to the deeper stuff...but that all depends on what they convey to me nonverbally and whether my interactions with them have been positive or not. That's just how I am used to operating and I can't really change that or decide to ignore others body language because reading it is a skill that comes pretty natural to me...but it's not one that comes naturally to others on the spectrum. I don't see this as a good or a bad thing, but just a difference in the amount of social information I am able to process.

Processing differences are not limited to just being able to read body language. In earlier times of my life, I remember wanting to fit in and socialize, but most interactions went WAY too fast for me or were in environments that were way too distracting, so I'd daydream and get lost instead of focusing and following along with the conversations that were happening. I pushed myself incredibly hard in order to be able to respond to conversations in a quicker way to the point where I have good reaction time...however, this was almost to the point of burnout, so I don't recommend that anyone on the spectrum do the same. Instead, I think if someone has a delayed reaction time and needs a slower pace of conversation, that they tell other people about this. I know a few people on the spectrum who I can tell need this and I thus try my best give them the time they need.

Personally, I now think there needs to be a radical change in the way we view social skills processing for most people on the spectrum, in that those who want to help others with their social skills need to take into account of some of the processing differences that make it tough for people on the spectrum to learn and understand many social skills in the first place, and also to enable people on the spectrum to have more flexibility around what they can and cannot learn given how much of the social world they actually process. So, instead of pushing a skill over and over again, this would include advocating for oneself and explaining how they process the world. A huge piece of learning NT-like social skills is being able to pick up on the emotions of others in a very fast way in environments that are often very distracting for them, and why I think that for some people, many social skills are tough, because they simply cannot do it.

For example....The main reason why I think many people on the spectrum are annoyed by small talk...and why I am starting to think that it shouldn't be a necessary skill to "push" with some spectrumites is because they are unable to see a purpose for it, given their inability to survey the feelings of others during an interaction due to only processing bits and pieces of verbal content and body language. Since they can't "pick up" how a person is feeling through their facial expressions and body language, they don't see the purpose of trying to make someone initially comfortable around them, or perhaps even what that looks like. In other words, the NTs assume that the person with AS is taking in as much social information as they are, but some simply aren't...this varies with the individual and accounts for different levels of social cloudiness...some people on the spectrum just process less social information and thus need more support than others. I noticed that Aspies who are very logically-minded coupled with immense sensory processing issues have trouble with this skill, but I think that proper advocacy and explanation of processing styles can help with being able to get around this.