Being approachable

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I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately, and I made a conscious decision about improving the social aspect of my life, as well as a few other things.

One of my kids is in elementary school, and I go to pick him up each afternoon. About twenty minutes before dismissal, parents start to congregate in an open area at the front of the school. In the past, I've always held back and kept to myself. This time, I decided to sit on one of the benches close to other people. I recognize everyone, and know who their kids are. Some of them own businesses in town, or shop at the same stores. But none of them have ever talked to me.

So, today, I sat down on a bench, kind of between two groups of women who were each chatting with each other. I didn't want to look like I was eavesdropping, but I make a point to be reasonably close, and look approachable. The women were talking about general "mom" things, like putting the younger ones in kindergarten, or helping with school field trips. One woman's toddler did something cute, and I smiled at him, and then made a pleasant comment. The woman smiled. It was all very nice.

But---I've been there for seven years, and I'm not really sure how to get past the "sitting alone and trying to look approachable" point. Granted, last year I was majorly depressed, and probably looked like a mental patient. But this year, I'm standing taller, wearing tidier clothes, and not afraid. However, I do worry about getting too close. I mean, I don't want to overstep any boundaries and comment on a conversation that I overheard, without being invited. But if I wait around to be invited, it doesn't happen.

Other people just seem to already know one another. I don't just mean specific people at school; I mean everywhere I go in life. When I was younger, I thought it was just a coincidence, but it seems like if I am involved in an activity that is everyone's first time there, the other people still seem to be previously familiar with each other, and I'm the outsider.

I am able to say something like, "Your son is Joshua, right? Isn't he in Mrs. Abercrombie's class this year?", but I don't know how to go beyond that, so next time the person sees me, they know they can just come and talk with me.
Consequently, I only have one friend, aside from my husband. I got that friend by taking my son to the same park everyday for the first two years of his life. When two women are nursing babies within earshot of each other, they automatically have something in common. She was actively looking for a friend, so that happened naturally. But now, she doesn't live very close, so we've kind of grown apart. I see her every few months and that's it.

So...I don't have a question or anything. I'm just making some observations. I can understand why this happens when I'm feeling particularly shy, because I kind of go invisible. But when I'm ready to socialize, and I'm making myself approachable---I still can't seem to connect with people.

I don't get it.

Hey Elderwanda,

I don't get it either. Seems like everywhere I go there are little circles of people chatting happily -- and they're completely impermeable! The circles, that is, not the people. I can step inside one, blurt out something banal, and then get pushed out within a few minutes by some process I can't even perceive.

I totally relate to feeling like everyone knows everyone else, and I'm some kind of interloper. I joined a class some time ago hoping to make a few friends. I'm pretty sure no-one knew anyone else there, at the start, but by the end they were like long-lost relatives, chatting and making little, impervious circles. It's baffling.

Thanks for sharing.

How are you making yourself look approachable Elderwanda? Do you greet them with a smile and some eye contact? Keep your body language open? I find it a massive effort to do it but it does seem to work well.

Maybe once you've asked about their kids you could suggest you get them together to play sometime, wait for them to actually decide but it lets them know you're open to it.

Talk about the things the kids are doing in class and try and guage wether they think of it positively or negatively as you'll need to go with the general flow to start with at least.

Can you join the PTA?

My mum's a childminder and takes kids to school and playschool (pre-school), she knows everyone and is even on the board of a couple of the pre-school places and I'm her only kid lol. No idea how she does it but I do know she can talk for Scotland so once you get talking let those mothers talk about their kids and whatever else it leads you to.

For help with the small talk and it's structure/meaning you could check out transactional analysis, especially the 'PTA' game as it's specifically about this.

I know exactly what you mean. When I was a kid I just thought it was cause I had to go to my Dads for the summer and thus had the perpetual New Kid syndrom, but as I grew up it was still there. Like everyone was issued a manual on how meet and talk to people, somehow my copy got lost in the mail.