little vent about the difficulties of becoming social

Post Reply New Topic

I've been trying to become more social, and it's so incredibly hard. I'm looking on it as a challenge, something akin to getting good grades. And when I want to get good grades, I through myself completely into doing so. But really, they're two completely different things. So i've been making baby steps, trying to initiate conversations with people, and often it goes ok, though sometimes my stupid body will start sweating, shaking, stammering. Also I joined a dating site. But whereas e.g. if I realize I have overlooked something that i'm studying, i'll get a bit panicy, but realize it's utterly in my control to remedy the situation, with the socializing case, i'm entirely dependent for the reduction of panic on the actions of other people, who needless to say I don't understand. So the panic persists, and I walk around constantly with a ball of knots in my stomach, and have no peace. And the temptation is just so great to turn away from that world, and go back into myself, and feel calm. But I don't want to.
Yeah, so my tentative solution is not to put all my eggs in one basket. Try and focus on my studying, which I can control, and then, should something happen to happen with people, just take that as a bonus. This doesn't mean giving up on my attempts to make something happen, just to have something to fall back on when they don't necessarily go as i had planned.
There. I feel somewhat better.

Is there any chance that you can practice being social with people you don't particularly care about? i.e., if you practice being social with a really good-looking member of the opposite sex that you would like to date, that's going to cause anxiety. But if you practice being social with a stranger that you'll never see again, you don't really care so much. Or if you practice being social with an older person who knows you and likes you no matter what, you don't worry so much about the outcome. Does this make sense?

I'm a freelance writer and I see the ads for writers to create a character and become that character on a dating site. Not all are bogus, but maybe take dating sites with a grain of salt.

Totally relate to your post Immanuel. It's unbelievably hard sometimes, good on you for not giving up and realising you don't always have to go at full speed.

It does. That was pretty much my thinking re joining the dating site. I could practice ways of introducing myself etc. without having to worry about my crazy adrenalin-secreting body ruining things for me. It's early days, but I think it has helped, at least slightly ( and I know between messaging someone on some site and actually introducing oneself to a person in flesh there is a great gulf, but not so long ago even the possibility of anonymous rejection that such sites offered was enough to scare me off).
With regards to the idea of practicing with people I'm comfortable with, again, I think it's a good idea. However, the real final frontier is and always be meeting new people. The very fact that i'm comfortable with them means there isn't that much I can get out of it, I think.