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MarchHare
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 29
Location: The Bush, Queensland, Australia
22 Oct 2009, 11:51 pm
23 Oct 2009, 4:13 am
sinsboldly
Veteran
Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon
23 Oct 2009, 7:42 am
MarchHare wrote:
Can anyone suggest ways in which I might develop or acquire tolerance/patience/easiness towards other people?
I am a mostly intolerant person, and it affects my relationships. This intolerance possibly stems from my perfectionist tendencies.
I am a mostly intolerant person, and it affects my relationships. This intolerance possibly stems from my perfectionist tendencies.
I can really relate to perfectionist tendencies and intolerance! I understand what you are trying to overcome and salute you
for your courage to even approach how to mellow out a bit! 
However. . .
Be careful what you wish for.
In order to keep from cursing I would say "Give me patience!" until it was pointed out to me some magic wand was not going to boink me on the head and I would have patience or tolerance. Instead I found myself in situations in which I could develop my patience and tolerance! It seems that is the only way. The enlightenment comes from having it demonstrated over and over again that I was not perfect no matter how hard I tried. The more I attempted perfection, the more frustrated I became, the more I learned humility (NOT HUMILIATION, but there was a lot of that, too
).
After a couple of decades wearing away the denial that alas, I was just as human as the next fellow, I just gradually started treating other people as I wanted to be treated myself, with understanding of missing the mark and a bit of forgiveness in others, as I had learned to forgive myself for the same.
I realized I had projected my expectations for perfection from myself onto the people around me, who, frankly, never had that expectation for themselves. I still expect nothing but the best from myself, but am easier on myself when I, again, miss the mark. My relations with others are much more free and easy because I just give them a break and realize they don't have my criteria for living their lives.
good luck . . . it only took me about 50 years to get it though my Aspie head!
23 Oct 2009, 7:54 am
sinsboldly wrote:
MarchHare wrote:
Can anyone suggest ways in which I might develop or acquire tolerance/patience/easiness towards other people?
I am a mostly intolerant person, and it affects my relationships. This intolerance possibly stems from my perfectionist tendencies.
I am a mostly intolerant person, and it affects my relationships. This intolerance possibly stems from my perfectionist tendencies.
I can really relate to perfectionist tendencies and intolerance! I understand what you are trying to overcome and salute you
for your courage to even approach how to mellow out a bit! However. . .
Be careful what you wish for.
In order to keep from cursing I would say "Give me patience!" until it was pointed out to me some magic wand was not going to boink me on the head and I would have patience or tolerance. Instead I found myself in situations in which I could develop my patience and tolerance! It seems that is the only way. The enlightenment comes from having it demonstrated over and over again that I was not perfect no matter how hard I tried. The more I attempted perfection, the more frustrated I became, the more I learned humility (NOT HUMILIATION, but there was a lot of that, too
). After a couple of decades wearing away the denial that alas, I was just as human as the next fellow, I just gradually started treating other people as I wanted to be treated myself, with understanding of missing the mark and a bit of forgiveness in others, as I had learned to forgive myself for the same.
I realized I had projected my expectations for perfection from myself onto the people around me, who, frankly, never had that expectation for themselves. I still expect nothing but the best from myself, but am easier on myself when I, again, miss the mark. My relations with others are much more free and easy because I just give them a break and realize they don't have my criteria for living their lives.
good luck . . . it only took me about 50 years to get it though my Aspie head!
What would you say to an 8 year old who is exactly the same way? Any words of wisdom would be great because he is SO going down this road.
23 Oct 2009, 2:22 pm
Very well said, sinsboldly! 
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