Do you feel guilty if people like you?

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When someone likes me, I get this guilty feeling, like I must have fooled them into thinking I'm better than I am. It's kinda combined with nervousness, because if someone thinks something positive of me, it's like their opinion can only go down from there, and I'm constantly wondering when I'll say that stupid something that will make them realize that I really am an idiot.
However, warning people that I really am stupid and annoying means that they'll either get annoyed by my warning, or try to convince me that I'm not.. which kinda increases that feeling. I mean, it's nice if someone says something nice, and I certainly appreciate it.. but then I'm left with this "when are they going to change their mind?" thing. It's not like an "I think they're going to betray me" or something, because it's not something I'd blame them for. It's that afraid they're going to correctly stop liking me.

Do other people get that feeling?

I do feel guilty but it is triggered mostly by my fear of my own reaction to the compliment, rather than anything else. When I am being complimented I tend to smile, and I feel that I am portraying myself as self centered by smiling at that. So I am trying to hide the smile, but it is not totally successful, hence the guilty feeling.

From your question I didn't think I'd be saying yes. I understand where you're coming from. I've just started a course on councilling skills and psycology, and I feel that a good bit there.

Though, in usual circumstance I don't feel guilty usually, thusfar, in meeting new people. The impression that I usually make is usually a simple/innocent version of me and they get a bit of a shock when I say something intelligent/insightfull.

I do feel guilty when people befriend me, mainly because I have never been in a friendship that mattered to me. The other person wants to do things with me or even just hang out, but I would rather just go off by myself. I do end up joining them more often than not, but only out of the sense of responsibility or obligation. This isn't fair to either of us.

I was having a conversation about this with my former neighbor last night. She has been diagnosed with everything from bipolar to borderline personality disorder. She scores most likely Aspie on the quiz. She has every reason to be as angry as she is. As a child she was put into foster care because of abuse at home and was then abused by the foster parents. She told me she always tells people that she's a piece of crap so she won't feel let down when they start treating her like that. I said that I thought there was a perverse aspect of human nature that wanted to bring someone overly confident down to size but at the same time if you always refer to yourself in a negative way you are giving people permission to continue the abuse. I told her she might want to try saying nothing either way but she kept insisting she was doing herself a favor by putting herself down. Maggiedoll, I have always felt you were highly respected on this forum. You write well and you are thoughtful. Once again, I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions the other day. It seemed so out of character from your usual posts, I should have stopped myself. Anyway, I know how insidious low self esteem can be. You don't have to be perfect to be worthy of someone's respect.

Seriously, quite the opposite, I have always been somewhat surprised that people don't like me. Even at my age I'm still somewhat surprised when people start lambasting me for something they perceive that I said or did. Personally, I wouldn't think to feel guilty about someone liking me.

I have been in situations where I didn't like someone but then I see they like me.

I have been in siutations where I liked someone and then it turns out they don't like me or they say something mean to me and I am like "whoa" and I don't like them anymore and my thoughts change about them.

I know what you mean, and I wonder if it's more the hiding it that's a guilty thing in that case.. If someone compliments you, doesn't that mean they probably want you to be glad for the compliment? Sometimes when someone compliments me online I'll say that it made me smile. Not to like over-inflate your ego, I guess, but to make you.. happy. I think. It certainly wouldn't be good if you paid someone a compliment, and they were unhappy about it!
I guess I end up kinda trying to avoid them altogether, 'cause I don't usually know how to react. People will say "You should say 'thank you'" but I always feel like I should argue, and most of the time when I say thank you to a compliment, it's because somebody told me to when I said that I didn't know what to say.
It does sometimes confuse people when I do what they tell me to do, though.


I agree with what your neighbor said. Because it also is true that if you don't think poorly of yourself, people will try to cut down your ego. I guess it depends on the kind of people, because a lot will take self-insults as an invitation to insult you more, but maybe not quite as many people as will get offended by somebody who seems to think too much of themselves. A lot of those same people will want to build up someone who doesn't think much of themselves, though. Which means finding this crazy intricate balance of self-esteem and knowing who you are and stuff that I'd think someone would have to be a Zen master to even begin to approach.
I think everyone is entitled to misunderstandings sometimes, especially if you keep an open mind that it could be a misunderstanding. It's the people who will get all offended at something and then not accept an explanation that it wasn't really what they got offended about that really upset me. Or the ones who say that they understand that it was a misunderstanding, but stay angry. (In which case they're just lying that they understand that it was a misunderstanding, I guess.) When you understand that something was misunderstood, then it's not misunderstood anymore. I grant the right to take back things said poorly or in misunderstanding to anybody who gives me that right too. I consider the ability to take back misunderstanding very important; if something wasn't meant, it shouldn't be held against anybody.


Like Spokane_Girl said, I'll get surprised at outright hostility when I didn't know it was there, but most people will be at least somewhat polite to someone they don't particularly like. And since I'm pretty dense, they have to be being really hostile for me to see it. So I'd be surprised if they were totally nasty if I wasn't nasty first, but plenty of people who don't like me aren't nasty, they just quietly dislike me, or avoid me, or make backhanded comments that may get obvious enough for me to realize it if I've been babbling for long enough about something that they don't like.

Maybe most people have a more good-bad view of people in general than I do? There are lots and lots of people about whom I feel pretty neutral. It takes me awhile to make up my mind about someone usually, and then I give it awhile of undecided-ness too, where I'm like "I think I like this person, but I'm not totally sure" or the other way around. There are also a great number of people who just confuse me. I have no idea whether I like them or not, because I don't know how to take them at all. I can't decide if I think someone is good or bad if I totally don't understand them at all. Most people I know I don't like or dislike, and I certainly don't dislike everyone I don't like, or like everyone I don't dislike. Is that strange?
LostAlien, I guess usually people have decided on something they think about you before you've actually talked to them about anything? Where does that opinion come from, though? I'm not going to think somebody doesn't have insight just because I haven't heard it yet. Like the things about it being better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Lol, in recent years I've tried to take that to heart.
bonuspoints, then I think it's not being liked that you'd feel guilty about, but not reciprocating? Or not knowing how?

I'm often surprised by the realisation that people like me, leading me to the conclusion that people develop attachment to me much faster than I to them..... and in the case of people I don't actually like it's even more surprising, I guess my version of civil/polite sounds friendly to other people, or something

Yeah, I absolutely feel like this.

I hate it when someone likes me firstly because it doesn't square with how I feel about myself and secondly because I know from experience that it won't last - if they stick around long enough at some point they'll eventually see the 'real' me - and their illusion will be shattered...

I always wonder "Now, how will I end up messing THIS up?" I like having acquaintances, but I don't like having friends. I had a few friends in high school who were in the little "outcast" group with me, but my best one died years ago and I really just don't like the conversation and the extremely boring smalltalk and I DONT want to invite them over or go anywhere with them. So, I try to keep people at arms length. I love knowing people and speaking when I'm out somewhere and meet them, but that's the extent of what I enjoy when it comes to friendships. When I do make a friend, I end up not returning calls or cancelling plans or just being "too busy" to get together (that's a lie, I just don't want to do it) so they eventually leave me alone.

PaganMom

I know how you feel, Maggie.
WHY MUST WE ENDURE THIS CURSE!! !! !