Salonfilosoof wrote:
The problem is I don't want to change myself to become "normal". Not only is that practically impossible, it would also feel like I'm betraying what I am.
All I care about is to change just enough to be able to not only get a girlfriend but also keep one.... but any woman who doesn't love my quirky sides is someone I'm doomed to break up with anyway.
That's sort of what I'm talking about. You shouldn't change yourself in any way you don't like, and as I said, 'normal' doesn't exist. But stagnating and waiting for everyone else to accept you is akin to sloth and denial, and at best makes a person boring. At worst, it emphasizes whatever might actually be wrong with the individual.
Be willing to accept change, but don't go changing just to change. Improve yourself, in a way that you want to improve. If you're worried about how others want you to be, go ahead and listen to what they'd like to see different about you. Give it some critical evaluation, leverage the pros and cons, see if there's an alternative that you'd prefer. I feel an example is in order.
Let's say, and not to say it's the issue, people are repulsed by your lack of personal hygiene. Following this logic, they want you to wash more frequently and with more care, perhaps use deodorants and better fragrances. But maybe you
like how you smell. The black and white answer is to either cave and smell 'normal' to appease the masses, or ignore them and smell the way you always have.
Both answers are impractical, and ultimately get you nowhere. Look for an alternative- in this case, why not find a smell that you enjoy that doesn't offend everyone else? A reasonable exchange- you get to smell the way you want, and no one gives you crap about it.
Or perhaps it's an anger issue, something that seems common with aspies, This one's trickier. You can't just never be angry, that's a ridiculous expectation. But you can try to control what makes you angry, when, and work on your reactions. Learn to better articulate yourself, perhaps find outlets that others don't mind. The trick isn't to suppress your anger- it's to be angry in ways that won't damage your relationships with other people. An anger management course wouldn't be out of the question either, assuming that could potentially be available.
It's all about alternatives. Don't accept the norm if it annoys you. But don't accept damaging habits either. Find a new way that works for you.
05 Jan 2010, 6:16 pm
