Problems with a friendship

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I know that I have written a few times on this message board regarding a friendship that I have had for 25 years. I am not sure if I should let this friendship go, or how to pursue it in the future?
I know that I have written about this firend, whom was the mayor of his community, which is near where I live.
We grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same schools together. He wasn't my closest friend, but a steady friend that I often did things with. Our paths went seperate ways after high school, even though there was no argument, I disagreed with his getting married with having children right out of high school. He was bright enough to go on to college, like I did. This person was diagnosed, that I am aware of with ADHD and borderline autism.
Other than running into each other, or the occasional e-mail, we never corresponded much with one another for about 5-10 years.
His community had a major flood last year, in which the community and his home was basically destroyed. There was an article about him in the local newspaper which inspired me to go out to his community and assist him.
I am very active in our local Democratic party and knew a number of people who could assist his community. I also talked to our local colleges and universities about offering assistance. Lastly, I worked with local churches and other organizations to set up events to bring his community together. I very active in this, and my friend won a number of awards for his leadership.
I also helped him with his home, by helping with construction and offering monetary support in the form of gift cards to a local home improvement store and gift cards to a local Target for last Xmas to replace his childrens' toys.
After doing this for about six months, and giving hours and money to the community, I get a nasty e-mail from him saying that it was akward for me to assist. I was taken back by this, and it sent me into a depression. I never did or said anything, to my knowledge that would of warranted correspondence like this.
I have run into my friend a couple of times since the e-mail and he has been cordial. But on the other hand, he has removed me from his Facebook freinds, denied all requests, and will not respond to any e-mails from me. Again, I was very taken back by this, since I basically was one of the major players of bringing his community back.
I was expecting to rekindle a friendship through assisting him, but instead I feel like I alienated him. Is there anything that I can do to promote this friendship, or should I let it go?
Thanks in advance for the advice.

Maybe you overwhelmed him by giving so much of yourself that he questioned your intentions....? My guess is as good as your's. Maybe in this situation you can turn the focus onto yourself and decide that you will not be defeated by this. Focus on how you deal with rejection, because you can't change his mind from the looks of it. In any event, he doesn't sound like much of a friend. I would let it go, because he's made it pretty clear, sorry to say it. I'm sure it's really devasting since you've known him so long....Sorry, I just realized something else, he's lost everything and is probably in a state of mourning. I would just wait (and pray) and see if he feels remorse.

You know, it is strange that you mention that I overwhelmed him. What it strange about it is that one of my elderly friends from church (a retired psychologist), told me that my intellect and personality can be very overwhelming to certain people. I am not quite sure what this means, since I am a person that has a hard time standing up to people. I have had a hstory in the past (including this situation) of getting obsessed with a person and/or their dispostion, that I go "whole hog" to help them, sometimes probably more than is necessary. Maybe I see the state of despair that people are in, so this is my reaction to that.

My only agendas in the situation was to reciprocated with a little bit of friendship, to be a noticable and positvie part of our community's history and build a positive reputation in the community.

Oddly enough, I do hold out some hope in this situation. Like you said he is probably mourning the losses to his home, community and routine. He is probably also under a lot of stress from rebuilding a home and community, rasing his children and holidng down a full time job. Even though I have acted the above way to people, many years later when things settle down, more often than not they come back around. Lastly, I may have to also accept that this person doesn't want to be a friend of mine or that the friendship may be nothing more than a friendly acquaintance (as it has been for the last 10 years). I guess it is just a wait and see situation.

You should ask the elder to explain what he means.

I think though, with your friend, there should be a give and take. You give a little..does he give back? If not, then you know you should probably restrain yourself.

You said it yourself that you get obsessed with a person.. How do you think that made him feel? That's a lot of pressure, and for a straight man that might be a little off-putting, is all I'm saying.

I hope I'm not being offensive, as I know your intentions are innocent, but they're definitely not getting you the results you want. And besides that, a lot of people don't have time for friends when they're married and have kids.

heh - Did I just go "whole hog" on you? Sorry about that....

No, you are not being offensive. This is a part of my personality that I am coming to terms with. I guess for those of us with AS, realizing these things and the problems they have caused can be an epiphany.

I will ask my eldery friend what she means by me being overwhelming.

Yes, there was reciprocation the six months that I was helping him. I often found him taking the advice that I gave him and applying it to his community's flood recovery. The two of us would meet for a meal or coffee on occasion. He would respond to my e-mails, telephone calls, and other correspondence. Before we has a falling out, he eagerally responded to an invite to speak at our church's lecture series. After the falling out, other than the congenial small talk when we run into one another, the reciprocation has stopped.

Sadly, my friend is probably very aware of my obsessions since he has known me for so long. It may of given him an akward feeling, to be the subject of my obsessions. Also, I need to realize that he has a family and others whom he has a relationship with. My friend may of understood this (he was diagnosed with borderline Autism as a child and has a lot of AS characteristics), but those close to him including his wife, children, other friends, and fellow city councilors may of been very uncomfortable with this obsessiveness. Hence when they said something to him about this, the only way for him to deal was to put me out of the picture. This thread has got me to think about other situations where I have done this, and I see a pattern.

I also have a interest in polictics, and have a special interest in matters relating to the flood last year. I have found that when I do run into him, the conversations are never about the flood, but much rather more mundane subjects, such as my job, family, any trips I have taken, etc. Maybe since he is so immursed with dealing with the flood and it may cause certain emotions, he may not want to talk about this during these encounters.

In the future, if a person that is close to me goes through a similar situation, I should probably think of how an NT would deal with this. Getting overly involved in someone's life is inappropiate, maybe asking them out to dinner or a more appropriate outlet would be warranted. It really does depend on the situation, but I should only partake in appropriate "events" if this comes up again.

No you didn't. I find this to be a conversation that I need to have and really, really thank you for the advice.

I ran into another friend from high school that I had the very same problem with and it gave me a few thoughts. There was a lot of similarites between his situation and the situation under discussion here.

The friend that I ran into was assaulted outside a niteclub a number of years ago and was laid up in a coma for 6 weeks. They had to do emergency brain surgery and many people thought that he wouldn't live. Due to the fact that he was a well known basketball player at a local college, the situation got lots of attention in the local media. Due to the fact that this young man and I were close when I managing the HS B-ball team that he was on, I sat with the family in the hospital waiting room during this time. I became very close to his family and even involved in some of their affairs. This behavior continued even after my friend was out of the hospital and was on the road to recovery at home.

One day my friend's dad has a conversation with me about my overinvolvement. The family didn't dislike me, but he wanted me to back off, so in his words "my friend could heal and we can move on from this as a family". He told me in a way that was gentle and respectful, but I understood his point and respected my friend's and his family's wishes. This friendship has returned to a point that we occasionally correspond with one another and I have been invited to a couple of family functions since. Even though it is only a casual friendship, it offers hope for the situation that I mention is this thread.

I have a real tendency to latch on to a situation and get obsessed with it. I also have a tendency to get in the middle of affairs that happen to people close to me. Even though I have been of assistance and support in both situations, it can make people uncomfortable and lead to akward dynamics. Having this conversation with my basketball player friend, helped me understand my past and offer hope and understanding for the future.