Accidentally dropping hints

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Recently, as in the past two weeks, I keep dropping what I see as blatant hints that I have aspergers to people at my college without trying to, and I do my best to keep it a well-guarded secret. Now, I'm worried that many people may have sussed out I have aspergers, which worries me to no end since, while they didn't know I had it, people at previous schools made my life a living hell. Friends are hard enough to find as is, without the label of 'that autistic kid' hanging over me. Hell, there's someone in my law class who has aspergers (and is open about it) and behind his back, everyone makes fun of him. Now, I know this makes me a hypocrite and an utter prick, but once or twice I've joined in just to be with the 'in' crowd. I don't wanna be a hypocrite, but I don't wanna be a victim either. That's why I want to keep it a secret. Now I'll list some of the daft things I've done recently.

1. In the law class, someone on the table behind him suddenly blurted out to the teacher 'what is aspergers anyway?' Of course, I did the moronic thing and started explaining the basics. Considering a few people in the class have pointed out that me and damien are alike in some regards (I was hoping just jokingly, but...), maybe some have made the connection.

2. Another friend from college seems like an aspie. She used to be shy and was bullied, but seems to have overcompensated and now become extroverted. When I try amking small talk with her such as asking how she is doing, she snaps or says 'why bother talking if you aren't gonna say anything? idiot...' or words to that effect. She seems to be fidgety, smart, somewhat eccentric, actually just name your aspie cliche. Furthermore, I noticed many of her friends call her 'ret*d' (almost affectionately) on myspace. So, what does the moron (i.e. me) do? I ask her on msn if she knows anything about aspergers. What. A. Moron. She said she never heard of it, but this could land me in some major you-know-what if she twigs it or looks it up, considering how loud she is and is judgemental somewhat.

3. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend from maths alone (al the rest of our friends had lessons). Turns out she knows this Damien guy from law, having been to school with him previously. We talked about him for a while (not in a bitchy way, though she didn't actually know he was an aspie) then I brought up situation 1, and said now some people joke I might be autistic too (at least I hope that's what it is). As I joke, I said 'how DARE they make the right assumptions!' before kicking a wall. Then we went on to talk about damien some more. She said he's like a walking dictionary/encyclopaedia and that she knows they are really good at maths generally, and mentioned some film called cube to which I saw the ending of where the only survivor was an autistic person. When she mentioned the walking encyclopaedia thing, I just looked down and my expression went gloomy in a snap. If that is a blatant hint, I don't know what is. Furthermore, on the maths thing, she knows I'm pretty good at it since I normally get the highest marks in the class for anything and I sit next to her. Also, when she reeled off the list of things she knows about autistics, I started the whole 'looking at the floor' routine again, and said 'it'd be ironic if I was autistic, considering me joking about being it earlier... That sounds a lot like me'. Yup, anyone with half a brain could twig I have aspergers from that I reckon.


I don't know what's wrong, in the last two weeks I've dropped hint after hint to people, normally I'm great at keeping secrets but it's all just slipping out now. I don't know how to stop it, I don't know if everyone else has figured it out and I don't want to know how they'd react. Am I being paranoid, or would it be reasonable to think some people have sussed it out?

People are getting a clue, and you're getting tired of secrecy.

After my sister casually outed me in front of a medical researcher - and she was one of the people I was terrified to tell - I realized that all closet doors are made of one-way glass the wrong way. You think they can't see in because you can't see out, but believe me, everyone can see in!

My friends in the gay community tell me the same thing, that when they do come out, everyone says "What took you so long?" or "We knew THAT."

It may be the case that some may have sussed out you have Asperger's but don't really want to say anything in case they think they've got it wrong. I will advise you though to be very careful about who you drop hints to or even tell about your Asperger's as people can be very judgemental, especially if they don't fully understand something. I'm telling you this because you could be making your life very dificult for yourself otherwise. It wouldn't be your fault but its just something to consider.

Some people with Asperger's are open about it but it then draws attention to them sometimes in a negative way. I know for a fact that there are people out there who literally introduce themselves as, say, 'hi my name is Joe, blah blah blah and I've got Asperger's Syndrome'. I don't know what people think they are going to achieve by doing this I really don't. It would be like me meeting someone for the first time and saying 'hi I'm Fiz blah blah blah oh and by the way I have two ovaries'.

The best thing to do I think is, if you're going to tell people tell those who have known you for quite a while because not everybody needs to know about it. Why should they? It's none of their business. And you say that Damien gets spoken of in a negative way behind his back, well this is the mentality of people that your dealing with here so why do it? Plus as you say, you've joined in with it yourself to be with the 'in' crowd and this may reflect on you too. I know this may sound bad but these are the things you have to consider. People can be very mean especially when they don't truly understand something. I'm not saying that having AS is something you should hide or be ashamed of because I'm not ashamed of it but then I don't make it common knowledge either as I want people to judge me for who I am not how I label myself in the first instance. The fact that it has a name to some people makes it sound like a disease of some sort and some are too ignorant to discover otherwise. Plus AS doesn't define you does it? It's a part of you, a collection of personality traits that differ from others but then so does a sense of humour or how angry you get etc etc. This is just my opinion anyway.

I often tell people I have asperger's syndrome, OCD and sensory defensiveness. I don't worry about them making judgements about me because they usually have never heard of it, so I always have to explain my particular symptoms, anyway.

I don't realize I do this until after the fact.

I usually dont drop hints. People especially family have know me to be odd but as for giving them a name to call it no. I was called a walking dictonary in high school but math was my worst subject in school along with pyshical education. Plus when you wear red white and blue when you go out like I do you are automatically seen as odd. Dad is frustrated with me because I love dressing patriotically. He thinks I am going to a costume party. I replied well at least you know where the happiest place on earth is (sorry DisneyWorld).

This sort of seems like it's just irrational paranoia- I do the same thing sometimes. If you don't want people knowing about your AS, then don't mention it again, and I doubt anyone will be able to connect the dots given how little information you've given to them. And even if someone does figure it out, chances are you're not going to be seeing them again regularly after this semester, unless you go to a very small college. In my opinion, you have better things to worry about.

I dont want to tell people taht I might have aspergers because it makes me feel like a loser, and I think they'll get the idea that I'm using aspergers as an excuse for my social ineptitude. I think I'd rather just learn and adapt then throw in the towel.