[Friendships] NT/AS – NT point of view. (warning L-O-N-G)

Post Reply New Topic

This is for the bored ones out there. Ive read a lot of posts that seems to have uncertainty on how to behave, conflicts and how to solve them. Even asking how to make friends and how to make and keep friends of the opposite gender. I think I have some experience in all these things.. Note, this is no “how to” or even with general advise. Its more my thoughts around my two AS friends and how things developed there – and what it takes of me to keep things smooth.

First, a disclaimer. I don’t claim to know all or even a large part. I also have not gathered data on how others feel or act in similar situations. This is me and two of my friends and how that’s been going.

Short background should anyone need it. Myself, I am 25 and married, no kids and an average carreer. And Im a socalled NT. (A phrase I never knew of before lurking on this forum). The younger of my two friends, Mark, turned 21 last week and has AS and ADD. Both diagnosed. The older, Simon, is same age as me with diagnosed AS. Neither of them have any permanent jobs or school. Simon did attend university but I don’t think he landed any sane degrees after doing so.

When we first met 4-5 years ago it was based on common interests. We enjoyed chatting and having fun and turned friends pretty quickly. Superficial at first, but grew close pretty quick. Mark and I took the longest to become “good friends” whereas Simon and I clicked from the first moment almost. The first year and two was turbulent. Turbulent cause they are both nice and charming guys who I enjoyed spending time with and sharing thoughts with and talking to. Buuut….

…we argued a lot. There was a lot more conflicts with these two boys than I ever had with friends since I argued with my own siblings as a child. The stubbornness and the fact I never seemed to face the understanding or get the apologies I expected and “craved” was the reason for a lot of bickering. Also, the fact they both were notoriously late on doing things they said they would and putting their own things and intrests in first line all the time made me often feel hurting and which would end in a spiral of arguments and anger yet again.

Somehow I have always made up with them after some of these fights. However bad they seemed, they were always based in petty things and I am the kind of person who hates conflicts so I usually cooled off a few days before I myself apologised and tried to mend the broken parts.

They had both informed me of both ADD and AS before. Somehow I was more understanding to the ADD and could well excuse Mark for being late or forgetting things he had promised and such, cause I knew people with attention disorders in my childhood. It took a while before I got explained a bit more about AS and started reading up about it and talked a lot with them both about how it had and does affect them.

After this, its not been any conflicts at all. I have been annoyed, but briefly and Ive not made issues out of things, instead I have “defended” them in my head, excusing them for a lot of things I normally wouldn’t have done with others. Such as me needing to talk or needing a favour, and then getting brushed off and they go on and on about something they are fixated at, or the worst I get a “yeah in a moment” and nothing happens. I then feel like nagging for whatever it is going on, but I manage to stop myself.

In a way, I have a motherish patience around them. They stretch my patience and it seldom breaks. Why doesnt it? Cause I know they arent provoking me intentionally. Ive been told by other outsiders who doesn’t know either of us too well, that I let them abuse me and take advantage. So what. I serve food and on their terms, I hide olives cause Simon doesn’t even like knowing there are olives in the house. I let them talk about them and theirs, and I listen. Putting me and my things in second row. I sacrifice the movie I want to see and let them chose. To an extent. I have “pushed” them both into doing things they were hesitant too, usually with the result that they have fun. But I can exhaust them when I start dragging them “around the world” doing things and seeing things they aren’t used to.

I am 25 turning 26 this summer and a very sociable person. I have had “ metric truck tonne” of friends over the years, large family, a social job, and… I have never had such loyal friends as these two. They feel more like brothers than friends. I know where they’re at, sort of. I don’t ever have to wonder and they’re always by my side. (Even though often they are at my side being completely zoned out of my reality.)

Then there is the other little things that seems odd to the outside world. For instance I was told I “almost flirt” with Simon (the one my age) cause I keep complimenting him, subtly or directly and smile and laugh a lot around him. But it comes natural for me. I know he is uncertain of reading body signs but laughter is the one sign in someone he experiences as utterly positive and he loves making me laugh. I also know he can struggle a bit with sarcasm or being teased – so I don’t. Instead I tell him he looks cute in the new shirt, that he is a good person and that what he did was right and I have stated about myself that I need a little cheerleaders outfit with their names on the uniform – cause that the effect Im after. I want to cheer them both on – and never hold them down.

Mark’s mother holds me very dear. I think its because Im the closest and most long lived friendship he has had. Also because my husband takes him to sports events and are buddies with him so he has a “mate” too, and not just the overly protective friend in me. She seems grateful towards me almost, which I found odd at first but now I think its just her wishing the best for him and maybe being somewhat touched that he finally has his own independent relationships with someone he can go away with, spend weekends with and visit events with aswell as just hanging out being bored.

I found that I felt the need to explain to her. That I am not doing this just to be nice. Im not some Samaritan or Mother Theresa. I am not spending time with her son to make him feel good – it makes ME feel good. And I have a good and fun friend in him. In the both of them. They can tease me. Some times failing and stepping a tad out of line, but I ignore it. Unless its borderline rude – then I tell them.
….But now I make sure its clear that I didn’t take offense. Because once Simon did this; Made a joke aimed at my butt which was crude and stepping completely out of line – but I know him well enough to know that he was aiming to tease me. In a siblingish style if you wish – he meant no harm. I told him then, just raising an eyebrow that he was out of line, and I thought no more of it. A week later he was still feeling bad, certain I was angry with him.

And it breaks my heart. Makes me feel bad knowing I nearly took his sleep away from being confused and wondering if I hated him. I didn’t, I don’t. And I wont. So OK, it will cost me more effort to ensure that “no hard feelings here, but” and then ensure him twice more after explaining what was wrong. And then make sure him and I does something very normal together immediately after – to remove any doubt or fear that he might have after me “telling him off.” Cause it seems like critique, no matter how soft spoken or well meant, is taken as hostility to him.

It can sound like hard work. It can sound like an overly amount of effort. But it isn’t. Most of it comes natural to me now, I just needed to get into the correct way or thinking and remove the expectations I had of “conventional” behaviour and reactions and be open minded about what reactions and behaviour I do see.

Why? Cause they are both adorable. They are thoughtful. They care for me in their own ways. Mark is less affectionate but he enjoys my company. Whereas Simon will hug me crushingly several times a day and make sure he tells me how much he appreciates me. They are loyal and sweet and trustworthy. Maybe I cant trust either of them to meet me at a given time. But I can trust that they will comfort me when sad, help me out if they can and I need it, and give me all the attention they can – when they can. And they are my friends. I dare say that Simon is my closest friend (in the world). And Im lucky to have them both and also really lucky to have a husband that doesn’t find my male friends threatening in any way (even though he can sometimes feel a bit invaded).

Dear god this is turning long. Oh well, you were warned. Anyhow..

If you’re NT and you are friends or more with someone with AS – take the time to speak to them and get to know them. Get to know their quirks outside of what they tell you. They might not tell you everything cause they might not see it themselves. And have patience. You wouldn’t expect someone blind to pick out the correct shade of blue. You wont expect a man to give birth. So don’t expect an autistic person on any end of the scale to be able to catch onto the mood you’re in or be a “mind reader” and tell that you need to be alone or that you are upset with a glance, irony or with closed bodylanguage.

(This last point too has been interesting. I mean, I am a typical NT girl. I do body language well and I do hints very well. Call it a sort of manipulation if you wish. So to me, this process is almost like learning a foreign language. It’s a new way to express myself. I cant add emphasis to a point or nuances to a story with a glance of a look or a smirk and trust it to be caught and interpreted correctly. I have to be litteral – a lot more than I am used to. Its fascinating in some way.)

Thanks for reading. I realise this is a wall of text without any questions. But if you have any sort of input or similar experiences please share them. Or any advise on how to improve myself even better or questions to me or anything really.

Nice read.
If only more NT girls showed the kind of patience and understanding you do.

Thanks. Actually felt a bit good to get down on paper aswell. I grind my teeth alot when I see people puzzled at my friends or telling them off for being rude when I know they arent. Schools spend so much time "bashing" kids in about racism and how one is all the same spite of skin colour. I wish they spent a little more time teaching about other differences aswell.