Thinking of comebacks

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I've always been bad at this- it's my achilles heel. Often I just wanna say **** off, but that's just not appropriate, and often lacks power. I find people being snide sometimes or saying doing things that are out of line, and I just stare like "duh" because I can't think of the right words. It sometimes takes me years to think of an appropriate yet effective thing to say.

I have several great pieces of advice for comebacks (which have worked for me in situations like this):

1) Turn it over to them with a question. Instead of saying something which the other person can easily criticize, put the burden on THEM to provide some substance to what they saying. Questions such as "Why not?" or "Is it really that important to you?" or "Then, what would YOU propose?" and other similar responses are effective almost all of the time. You avoid making yourself look like an idiot and you can even make them look like one.

2) In some cases, just ignore them. Not in the sense that you acknowledge what they say and you choose not to respond. Instead, don't respond at all, don't even look at them, and do not give them any indication of body language that you are affected by their words at all. Be busy with something such as reading a book, so it looks like you aren't concentrating on them. If they repeat it again, still ignore it.

Laugh at them.

Always works for me.

Think about it, if you're laughing then you can't be feeling embarrased or angry.

If the other person says "that's right laugh" or "yea u wont say anything" then say "you forgot to laugh, HAHAHAHA".

It always works for me, doesn't matter if it's not logical or makes sense.

There is almost no instance where laughing isn't okay. Laughing should be done as much as possible.

My comeback is on my signature, a quotation by George Costanza. The comeback may not be good but I say it anyways.

I suck at comebacks too. So what I do instead is be painfully polite and diplomatic until it annoys them
But I try to think of comebacks that can work for certain situations just to prepare
ie
"Why are you acting like an idiot?"
"Because I want to allow you to be able to communicate with me at the same level."

That sometimes works when I don't stutter (groan). I stutter when I become nervous or upset. But unless the other person is saying something completely stupid, comebacks or being painfully polite works only about half the time.

I only think of comebacks after I have walked away. I'm terrible at them.

While it is---at first, anyhow---not the most immediately gratifying 'move' to make at the time, I've found over the years that the thing that really 'gets' other people 9 times out of 10 is not an immediate comeback, but being ignored. The strategy of learning to employ the proverbial 'awkward silence' is like drilling a hole in the hull of a ship captained and perhaps crewed by a**sholes and idiots. They don't know it, but in the end, long after their supposed 'victory' over you they are going to be scrambling to save themselves/the ship. It's the slow-burn that gets them, eats away at them--failing to respond at all lights a fire that smolders and consumes though they almost never recognize that that's what you've accomplished. Ignoring them sends the message that they aren't worth your time or effort, and that whatever 'it' is that they're up to, you won't participate at all, and you'll let them take themselves down wasting time/energy that they're expending on you when they should be doing other more productive things. Giving them nothing verbally or actionably aborts the interaction that you're having with them (or at least severely curtails it) and leaves them to spontaneously combust--which quite happily they very often do publicly. Long after you've moved on they are typically laying in bed running the scenario over and over again. It's like walking away from a fight--you can't lose if you refuse to participate. You just have to be strong and confident enough to set and live by your own rules, not those of the people around you. You know what they say---"It's always the quiet ones..." So...be one of the quiet ones! People hate that sh*t and just cannot deal with it! Hope this helps...

....I forgot to say that I have used this countless times over the years in personal and professional situations, and it has N-E-V-E-R failed to end up with me as the winner.

Think about who/what unnerves you the most: the person who is running off at the mouth or working up a sweat activitywise...or...the silent, staring observer who you have no idea what s/he is thinking or is up to.

I'm tellin' ya, it's da bomb!

I'm simply not quick witted enough for this sort of banter.

I wish I was old Winston Churchill was a master of the witty come back

I'm terrible at comebacks. I was always extremely mindful of offending people, so I tried to be polite and ended up being a bit of a pushover. It was me trying (and failing) to explain myself to people because I felt I had to that caused them to make fun of me. Now I can see that I don't have to explain myself to anybody if I don't feel comfortable with it, and if somebody asks me a question I don't want to answer I fire it right back at them, which usually works, but I'm not really one for making "smart arse" comments.