Girl at work flirts a lot with the guys

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Joe90
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21 Feb 2018, 6:26 am

I love my new job, but the only thing that bothers me is the girl I work with is very flirtatious with the guys there. The guys like her flirty behaviour, so pay more attention to her than they do me. I'm more serious and polite. It's like she takes over, but without meaning to, as I get on with her otherwise. Will I get used to this and become more confident? In my other job nobody really flirted, and the men and women just got on in a serious way. But here in my new job, there are more guys than girls (there's only 3 girls I think; me, the flirty girl and a Polish woman who doesn't speak much English). I like this girl, well, I have to get on with her because we literally work together, but she is very hyper around the guys, and 'teases' them in a flirty way. I laugh at the jokes, but otherwise I am so not like she is.

I've only been there 2 days so far, so I'm still getting used to everybody. But this girl is so loud, confident and just very flirty. Will I get used to being around a flirty loud young girl and a group of guys?


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kraftiekortie
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21 Feb 2018, 6:51 am

If you like her, why not? If she’s otherwise nice, why not?

Is this the job where you clean up buses?



Patrick64
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21 Feb 2018, 8:05 am

I would be very careful. If it were me, I would not do it. Let's say you get in a relationship with this girl, and things go bad. She could go to her boss and file a sexual harassment claim. Sadly in our society, there is no practice of due process anymore and you will be fired. Just wait until you or her quit their job so that problem won't exist.



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21 Feb 2018, 8:22 am

^I don't think that's what she meant but then I could easily be wrong.

I used to work as a barmaid, for a long time and there was a lot of flirting. Some women do do it a lot and it's generally accepted as just flirting and appreciated by the guys as just that. You will not be thought odd or cold for not behaving in a similar way, both ways are acceptable. You are very likely to get used to it too, and could find it quite educational. I find all jobs quite overwhelming during the first month and then mostly they settle down and it's possible to judge them objectively. I am half way through my third week of a new job and see it could go either way. Hopefully it will go well for both of us. And well done for getting the job in the first place, it's tough out there in jobhunt land.



Joe90
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21 Feb 2018, 10:36 am

Patrick64 wrote:
I would be very careful. If it were me, I would not do it. Let's say you get in a relationship with this girl, and things go bad. She could go to her boss and file a sexual harassment claim. Sadly in our society, there is no practice of due process anymore and you will be fired. Just wait until you or her quit their job so that problem won't exist.


Uh, I think you misread my post, I am straight, I have a boyfriend, this girl is straight, I am not talking about relationships here. What I mean is, this girl makes me feel a little left out among the group. The guys are nice to me, and the girl is nice to me, but her flirtatious behaviour takes up all the attention, so the guys look at and talk to her more than they do me. I know it's not intentional. Maybe it's just me being sensitive and maybe I just need to adapt to the new environment. Going from a care home environment to a bus depot environment is a big change. This girl isn't intimidating or anything. She's just very flirtatious and a bit silly around the guys, and the guys seem to like her attention so they give her more attention back, and sometimes I just feel forgotten when she is about.


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kraftiekortie
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21 Feb 2018, 10:58 am

If you don't feel like flirting, don't flirt.

Let her flirt LOL

Some people are just "made" that way.

At least you've found a friend on your job.



Joe90
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21 Feb 2018, 11:43 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
If you don't feel like flirting, don't flirt.

Let her flirt LOL

Some people are just "made" that way.

At least you've found a friend on your job.


Well, she's more of a work colleague. We get along OK, but I don't think she's the sort of person I'd associate myself with outside of work. But because I'm a nice person, I just get on with everybody, and she's not a bully or anything. She's just a bit of an attention-seeker around the guys. She's not interested in them in that way, but she still likes to be seen and heard at all times, if you know what I mean. I don't have a lot in common with her, as she's into getting drunk at weekends, and she's got this horrible taste in music. I probably have more in common with the guys than I do her, but because she's so flirtatious with them, they pay more attention to her. It sometimes makes me feel unattractive and unconfident.


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kraftiekortie
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21 Feb 2018, 12:03 pm

Yeah. I get what you mean.

But it shouldn't make you feel "unattractive."

You should be glad you don't have to ward off the attentions of those guys. They have more respect for you.

They enjoy her flirtations. But they would probably respect you more.



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21 Feb 2018, 1:25 pm

Regardless of the work environment or how "Nice" she is, her because is unacceptable and your boss sounds like he doesn't care if she is being unprofessional in the workplace. She may do that to the wrong guy one day and get in big trouble. This is along with your boss having to deal with a legal case.

For example,
I was in a warehouse position that was under a work program with employment supports for 8 years. During my time there, I saw a lot of things that one would question. For example, the CEO's brother worked there and liked to flirt with all the women including me. This including hugging, massages, calling women his number 1 secret girlfriend along with making sex jokes about things like "Reach-Arounds."

Though I thought it was "Cute" for a while, I eventually learned that what he was doing referred to "Sexual Harassment," so I started speaking out against it but the job coaches blew it off and the CEO got really nasty being that She was "Protective of her family." It was "He's just playing around and if you don't like what he's doing, stay away from him. I think you're overreacting, my brother didn't pull down your pants did it?"



Joe90
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21 Feb 2018, 3:31 pm

It's mostly harmless flirting really, but this girl just has more confidence in that way than me. I used to flirt with men before I met my boyfriend, but I flirted without the banter, and I only flirted if I liked the man in a sexual way. But I was more serious, like I'd smile, perhaps touch his hand if he looked like he'd let me, and just talk to him. I didn't just throw myself at them or keep 'insulting' them in a jokey banter. I'm just not that sort of person.


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22 Feb 2018, 6:44 pm

Behavior*



justRob
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22 Feb 2018, 8:11 pm

I can imagine that's uncomfortable, it's always tough when you have a very extrovert, social type always around and you are not so much. Especially if she is selling herself a bit. Sucks in any environment to have that kind of attention hog, if you're not part of it.

That sort of attention-seeking behavior sounds exhausting to me, and I think it's exhausting to most people, but I know certain types can live like that.

I do wonder what is driving her behavior? Maybe she's naturally like this and finds it effortless, but it sounds like a lot of work to literally flirt with multiple guys every day at work, so it makes me think something deeper is driving her and she's actually putting in effort to get and hold the guys' attention. Two possible reasons come to mind: 1) she has some experiences in her life, either recent or in her past, that left her with an emotional need for constant male attention or 2) she may be having an emotional reaction to having another female around, when she's used to being the only girl in the group and feels like she now needs to compete for attention.

So, that's a total of 3 possibilities, actually, if you include the one that's she's just naturally that way.

I'm at a loss of offering specific advice. But maybe lay low and observe things? I will say this, as time goes on, the way a job feels always changes, and the way it is to be around a group of people always changes. You are in the early stages of being the new person in the group, and people's perceptions of you are pretty fluid. Small group dynamics can change with one new person, especially if the old dynamics include just one girl who likes male attention.

Do your best to take care of yourself and your image, be an observer of the group dynamics but do your best to stay emotionally disconnected from them. Acknowledge everyone and listen to them, try and share details about yourself back at the same level they are sharing, try to observe what each person finds appropriate and stay within 10% of those boundaries. Try to manage these relationships until you've found somewhere you can be comfortable. If that can't be done, then... that stinks. It's back to Plan B, whatever that is (stick it out, find a new crew or new job).

And watch that girl, not like a competitor for attention, but like a psychologist. What makes her tick? Her grabs for attention can be re-framed in your mind as... whatever it is they really are. People at work don't need to be real friends in our lives, but they do need to be allies, and the relationships have to be managed, we have to take care of our image to some degree and maintain healthy boundaries. And if we're lucky, we'll end up with real friends in the end, that we can really open up to and let our guards down. Or at least, end up coworkers we don't mind being around all day.

Good luck!



Esmerelda Weatherwax
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22 Feb 2018, 8:16 pm

^^ This is excellent. The flirty young lady is marking her territory and making sure you know it... very good advice above.


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Joe90
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23 Feb 2018, 1:22 pm

I think what justRob wrote is a good theory too. This girl at work is not nasty or anything, but she does lack manners. She's literally glued to her phone, and lucky for her she's allowed to listen to her (lame) music while she's working. Then as soon as she gets a chance for a break she's the first in the staff room, playing on her phone. She tends to whine all the time, and I don't mean in an anxiety-related way (like I sometimes do), but in an angry sort of way, and she talks about herself a lot, and if she's not talking about herself she's flirting with guys. Sometimes when you're talking to her, she'd interrupt you mid-sentence, moaning loudly about something. I can tell it's not social awkwardness, she is definitely NT but with a rather bad history or upbringing, and now a young adult with anger issues. She yells "f**k off" at any object that's in her way or if she drops an object, etc. But I am slowly but surely getting used to her. I think I am easier to talk to than she is. Maybe she won't last there long, as she doesn't seem to want to work. She needs the money, but she constantly whines about her (cushy) job and tries her best to do as little as possible. I think she just needs to mature a little.


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Esmerelda Weatherwax
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23 Feb 2018, 1:41 pm

Let's hope she realizes that and has any incentive to mature. In the meantime, watch your back.


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