Comments at a formal affair

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This evening, I went to a ball which is a fundraiser for people with ASD get services such as learning social skills which is black tie. Anyway, the co-coordinator of the ball was there and wore a neat black dress. However, her best friend borrowed a gown of hers I happened to see the coordinator wear three years ago. I had a few drinks and may have said somethings that offended her. For example, I said out loud that her friend was wearing the dress, and she got at me. She said, "You don't say things like that in front of other people because it's not nice. It would be more appropriate to tell them something like, 'nice dress." She then took off and made me feel totally humiliated. If that wasn't enough, she went and told my behaviorist about it and made me feel even more humiliated this evening which caused me to have a mild meltdown by ending up in tears. In fact, I ran out of the ball room to cry for a little while, and the behaviorist talked to me and said that it was done and that she never said anything to me.

Do you agree with what this coordinator acted or what she happened to say?

people will be people on the "right" planet. everybody has their moments. NTs and aspies can let people down equally well. if i were you i would not waste another brain cell or second worrying about this, it is water under the bridge and in the past now. think about other things.

take care
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just my 2-cents' worth, adjusted for inflation

Thanks...

Its over now... obviously you learned from it & (as idfficult as it may sound) you should just stop thinking about it .

I would say you can be a mean drunk. I know this is harsh, and I am sorry for your pain, but you should start to realize if you step on other people's toes, they will retaliate, and they have every right to do so. It is what you do then reveals your character. If you apologized to the woman you humiliated with your tacky reference to her wearing old hand-me-downs that would be a good start, and you could do some evaluation about what happens to your social filtering when drinking is involved.

And if you are not charmed with my opinion, please remember you solicited my reactions.

Merle

It depends -- did you know that mentioning someone wearing a dress you saw someone else wearing another time (a "hand me down") would be taken as insulting? If you're young and ASD I can see not knowing that until a later-than-usual age.

OTOH, if you knew that would come off as insulting, then it sounds like a definite mistake with understandable consequences.

The telling the behaviorist seems a bit out of line, IMO. If she's pissed at you she ought to do so like she'd do anybody else. -- No going around people's backs and bitching to their managers or landlords, or whatever about a personal beef. It may be the way of the world, but that doesn't make it right.

Actually, I was clueless to the whole thing and happened to say something that I really didn't mean too. I really meant it in a nice way, and she got all snobby about it. I have had other women in this age group of their late 20's who happen to be preps and they just act like animals if someone happens to ruin their perfect world. I lived with two other roommates back when I was in my early 20's who were in their late 20's and acted very much the same way.

She was also the head chair for organizing the whole ball and was already stressed out, but I felt like I said to take her crap last night.

Moreover, I am feeling socially akward right now and I have been breaking down if I say anything to make someone else like that offended.

You were 'not clueless' as you said so you knew all along mentioning it would be crossing the line. You are looking for an excuse for your intoxicated behavior.

No I was not makjng excuses and I was not drunk.... I just had two drinks.. I didn't know that I would hurt her feelings. I was only trying to compliment on her dress because I happened to remember it from three years earlier and also noted that her friend looked just like her.

I'm siding with Miyah on this one. If I wore a borrowed tie and someone called me on it, I wouldn't even be phased, much less get in a snit and bite someone's head off over it. Yes, I know NT women have different standards about such things, but that's their own problem for being so vain and superficial. There's no crime in attempting to make conversation and committing a fau pas - and at a gathering that's devoted to people with ASDs, for gods' sakes, one should expect to be bluntly called out on something like that. It should be taken with a good natured shrug, a gracious chuckle and a deft subject change, not cruel snobbery.

Personally, I love watching the shallow and self-righteous squirm uncomfortably in situations like that. I'd have gotten a big kick out of the whole thing. F 'em.

Thank you Willard, because I was really humiliated last night and cried about it all morning. I sent this woman an e-mail explaining that I was disappointed in her behavior since she had been around people with ASD all of her life. Yet, she didn't seem to act like she really understood what Autism and how our minds work. I really do think that is something that she chose to act like that.

If that wasn't enough, I broke down crying later, and it was like they didn't want to deal with me feeling bad and said things like, "No, you didn't do anything, it's done."

If the whole point of the thing is to learn social skills then doesn't it make logical sense for her to point out if you've done something wrong and then speak to the behaviorist so that that sort of skill can be worked on later and you will never have to face a similar situation again? I can understand why you'd be embarrassed about it, of course, I'd feel the same way. I don't believe she was trying to hurt you, however, and rather trying to help you.

Now, you can probably argue that if she was trying to help you she would have reminded you gently, or something of the like. The thing is that sometimes when you tell a person something too nicely they won't remember it. Like, now, I'm certain you'll remember the next time you're at a black tie formal not to mention anything about a dress other than it looks nice and that will be the time when it really matters because it won't be a learning experience it'll be the real deal. So she's essentially saving you embarrassment in a situation that could cost you either social standing or your job or whatever.

I know right now you probably don't agree with her methods, but in ten years or whatever, when what you learned at that party really helps you out then that's what matters. You can't learn to walk if you don't fall on your face a couple times, and that seems like a pretty safe place to fall on your face.

Also, with what they did after you broke down crying, I'm pretty sure they were trying to reassure you and what they were saying was not a result of them not wanting to deal with you feeling bad. I only say this because: "you didn't do anything" and "it's done" are two phrases that people have used with me when I was moping about a failed social encounter.

And the best topics to stick with, are everybody's health, and the weather.

dont you hate it when the truth about a subject slips out. i had the same thing awhile back i made the comment that my parents should have got a puppy instead of adopting a 8 year old daughter. my parents are both knocking at the door of 50 and that kid is too much for them. my dad didnt even want her

That's not the truth. That's just your opinion



I really hope you never ever repeat that in front of the child.

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Miyah,

The comments were inappropriate, but everyone says s**t sometimes when they're drunk. It will eventually blow over and hopefully you will remember not to say stuff like that again.

I think going to your behaviour counsellor was below the belt- as another poster said, she should have treated you like anyone else (and in fairness she did; she had a go at you and told you off).

I'm not sure if sending an email telling her off was a good idea; it may have been better to apologise to the other woman formally, but then maybe write that if she is offended by something you say, you would prefer to hear it directly, not through your therapist.

This is pretty much what I think. It sounds like Miyah was just making an observation. Sometimes it's hard to know what is going to upset people. I have seen characters on TV shows get all uppity if another woman once wore the same dress, but only the most superficial, bitchy characters. I wouldn't expect someone in real life to get all bent out of shape. I guess you never know. The dress comment could have been the start of an enjoyable conversation, if that woman hadn't been so hoity-toity.