So Sad - Is AS Controlling My Relationships?

Post Reply New Topic

Two days ago, my boyfriend of 2 years decided to call it quits with me. We were good friends when we were kids and then my family moved away. After almost 20 years since we had first met, he came back into my life. I moved into his house with him and was very happy. I wanted to marry him and I thought that's where we were headed. He's upset that he's made this decision, but the reason is because he felt as though he could never really bond with me. Since I've never really bonded with anyone other than a horse I had in high school and my 7 month old kitty, I found it hard to understand what he meant. He said that there seems to be a wall between us that he can't get through to me. He says he bonds well with other people, including his employees at work and his coworkers, the neighbors, and especially his friends. He said he never felt that same bond between us. He said he can't ever marry me because I'm not really there. He loves me still but doesn't think we could make it through marriage, children, and all the other complexities of life with another person. He knows that I'm AS and that it's pretty new to me and I'm still accepting the fact that I have this issue. I was starting to make friends with people, very slowly, but I was learning. Now he wants me to move out of his house and go live on my own. I have no close friends other than him and a good relationship with my parents. I'll be 26 in June, but the last time I lived by myself, I got shot by a couple of guys who broke into my apartment. I'm scared and know that I'm going to be so lonely. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to be strong about it, but I feel abandoned and lost. I don't want to live by myself and I definitely don't want to move back in with my parents. But I know I can't force him into maintaining a relationship where he isn't being fulfilled in the way he needs to be happy. If I were in his position, I probably would feel the same way.

I just had to vent about this. I'm so sad and I'm upset that the reason that he's breaking up with me is the same reason all the past boyfriends have broken up with me. At first, he said all the same things past boyfriends had during the breakup speech, but since he really is a great guy, he was able to elaborate on his feelings and the issue that he had with me in a way that I could understand. Now I'm worried that because of those things (the emotional wall and lack of bonding) will keep me from having a happy and fulfilling relationship. I was everything he wanted except that I was not able to meet his emotional needs. I really don't know what to do to correct this for future relationships or if I should even attempt to have another serious, long-term relationship with anyone again. Getting dates is one thing, but I want to have a committed relationship and someone to share my life with. I just don't think I'll be able to get that.

Because of this, I've found myself getting so upset about my AS! It makes me so angry that something like this is controlling my life and all I've been trying to do is overcome it. I'm loosing one of the best relationships I've ever had because of something I can't control and until recently, didn't even realize that my AS had been the problem in previous relationships. I ask myself, what did I do to deserve this? Don't I deserve a happy and fulfilling relationship like everyone else or is my AS going to continue to dictate my relationships with people? Why can't I just figure out a nice, measurable, black-and-white way of fixing this problem?

i'm sorry that you have lost what was obviously an important relationship for you. It's obviously very upseting. Relationships are difficult things to do, i know i couldn't believe it when i met my last boyfriend- finally i had met someone who i genuinely liked and enjoyed the company of. We broke up last year, and i cried for days (even though it was me doing the breaking up), partly because i know it had taken me years to find someone like him and not knowing wether i would find someone else.
i think you have to try and be independant and try and be as positive as possible. hopefully you will find someone in the future who is suitable for you.
Good luck

Thank you so much for your kind words. They really do help.

Sorry to hear this happend to you. I wish I could say anything uplifting.

I had this so often in my life.. finding someone worthwile, falling in love, great relationship but getting the "sorry I just can't bond with you" excuse. It has made me feel very miserable over the years.

As with most Aspie guys my problem with AS has been starting relationships rather than maintaining them. The problem I find, though, is that sooner or later I will try and break down that barrier and start trying to bond with them, but it just ends up freaking them out. They then just don't seem to know where I'm coming from. In fact it was the breakdown of my last relationship - due to my "strange" behaviour - that indirectly led to me being diagnosed with AS.

I'm confident that one day I'll find another relationship...but they'll always be subject to that leap of faith that none of my relationships has yet survived.