What to do when your only friend is busy?

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I do not have the energy, the inclination, or the skill to make multiple friends. Once I've found one, I rarely feel the need for a second, and if I were to somehow make another, their function would be as a "backup friend," and I'm certain I couldn't allot the time for meeting their needs, so I shall spare us both.

I have several good friends from my past, but I only make a new one when one or the other of us moves, so all of them are scattered across the country/continent. They call me, and while I usually answer, I never call them. Such is my nature.

So my current friend in the city I live in is my roommate . . . that's almost universal; it's always my roommate as I couldn't live with a non-friend, and I couldn't befriend a stranger, so it nearly always happens simultaneously . . . and when he is home but unavailable, I feel confused, particularly if in my mind I had scheduled things otherwise. I know that my mental schedule cannot always match his plans, so how do I make my rational mind overcome the feeling of strangeness and the anger at an abnormal occurrence? It happens so infrequently it would seem silly to mention if it didn't fluster me so . . . I guess I just expect to exchange our average daily allotted communication followed by dual retreat into our rooms - he'll fulfill his social needs with his usual internet sites, and I'll do my thing, and if either of us wants to talk, we'll be there. When it cannot be this way and I need my friend, what should I do to stay calm? I hate alterations in routine and function nearly as much as spiders, perhaps more.

Make two plans- one for when he is available, one for when he isn't.

I wish I could help you. I can't entirely relate to your post though. Hmm... realize that peoples' needs conflict. If your friend can't work social interaction into your schedule, don't take it personally. If at all possible, you need to become more flexible somehow.

And people call you, but you never reciprocate? How's that workin' out?

Can't suggest anything other than make some more friends, which might mean you have to re-assess your policy of not calling people - otherwise they'll just think you're not interested.

Last edited by Locustman on 26 May 2010, 11:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

When your friend is busy, that should be your opportunity to pop some popcorn and watch a favourite movie, or fix a drink and listen to your favourite music.

That happens a lot with me, too. I only have one friend here in town and when he's unavailable I just have to find something else to do which is easy because I'm usually home and I just go read something or play video games which is what I'm always doing anyway. But yeah, sometimes we need a friend ( ) and it sucks when they're not available. My only advice would be to make one more friend, a 'spare friend', for those moments when you really need to talk to someone.

That's what I do, and I find it works quite well.

While a "backup friend" would be convenient to you, it would be very unfair to that person. Friends can vary, but for the purpose of this post, let's assume that he/she genuinely respects you as a person and wants to spend time with you. Imagine how it would look like from their perspective. Someone who they consider a good friend (that's you) spends a lot of time with them for a few days (when your "main friend" is busy), then disappears for weeks at a time (when your "main friend" is not busy). This means you're essentially using your backup friend for company, without taking their feelings about your disappearance into account. I'm sure you've had friends disappear on you for long periods of time, which wasn't fair to you, either.

Do the right thing; take the high road. A Jewish equivalent of the Golden Rule goes like this: "That which is hateful to you, don't do to your fellow man." (I actually prefer it to the "do unto others..." version.) If you can make time for a second friend, by all means, make new friends. If you can't, don't, because you will hurt the person in the long run. (Join some Meetup groups instead, which are more interest-focused, and you can show up or not show up as you please.) While dating/romance has been about playing games for decades by now, I simply refuse to be like that with friends or potential friends.

What I did since I only had one friend was that I starting talking a lot with a quirky classmate in my Spanish class. It worked out pretty well, we are friends I guess. I notice you have a tendency not to call or contact old friends who you don't see. I do that too with my current friends. I always feel like I don't have a good enough reason to bother someone.