What if you are not very lik(e)able?

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Should you continue to be yourself, if you're happy being you, or should you change to be more in line with what other people would prefer in their friends?

Is it better to be the politician and attract people to you, or be the iconoclast and maybe earn the respect of the few, while losing the majority? I think most famous people fall in the latter, but the happier and more celebrated are in the former. Do you see yourself being one or the other? Does this even apply to day to day life of making and building friendships?

If you are not a public figure, the problem becomes meeting anyone whose respect you might earn. The iconoclast is still fairly charismatic traditionally, if not in line with the perspectives of society.

If you meet anyone who tolerates not only your views but also your persona, then you are in the right.

Otherwise, you may make sacrifices in being true to yourself or give up companionship.

Meet it half way. Neither extreme will make you happy, so make accommodations and compromise.

You won't have friends if you don't compromise and make accommodations for them. Your choice.

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Last edited by lotusblossom on 04 Nov 2010, 4:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with lotusblossom. I am very good at faking it and adjusting to different social settings for a short time. And I have made friends in the past but keeping the mask going week to week is impossible. So it has always slipped a little or more after I have become very comfortable with the person or under stress. And I have lost the friends. I don't really know what it is they see that they don't like. I honestly try and be approachable, listen, love, be loyal, etc. But they lose interest. I guess I don't compromise on my opinions very much and that is something a lot of people find difficult, I think. So now I have come to think, its not worth bothering with relationships that much. I try still to be pleasant, well dressed, more smily(my neutral face is a frown!) and polite with people (like other parents at my children's school) but I don't expect to find friends. Trying to be some one that others like and seek friendship with, is so so draining for me, I don't see the point of it. It never seems to work long term anyway. So I am intend on being more myself these days and hope that one day somebody is going to like who I am. That doesn't mean I don't have to follow some expected social rules, and thats why I shower, well every so often

I agree with lotusblossom. I am very good at faking it and adjusting to different social settings for a short time. And I have made friends in the past but keeping the mask going week to week is impossible. So it has always slipped a little or more after I have become very comfortable with the person or under stress. And I have lost the friends. I don't really know what it is they see that they don't like. I honestly try and be approachable, listen, love, be loyal, etc. But they lose interest. I guess I don't compromise on my opinions very much and that is something a lot of people find difficult, I think. So now I have come to think, its not worth bothering with relationships that much. I try still to be pleasant, well dressed, more smily(my neutral face is a frown!) and polite with people (like other parents at my children's school) but I don't expect to find friends. Trying to be some one that others like and seek friendship with, is so so draining for me, I don't see the point of it. It never seems to work long term anyway. So I am intend on being more myself these days and hope that one day somebody is going to like who I am. That doesn't mean I don't have to follow some expected social rules, and thats why I shower, well every so often

Shireenybeany, I sooo identified with what you wrote!

I think we're all very likeable. I think we have difficulty forming bonds and keeping them. People are fast to throw us away because of that.

You can only be you. If you see something in you that needs improvement, find a solution and work it out. Trying to be someone else to keep the other people in your life happy only leads to self-destruction sooner or later. In one sense, you do need to compromise to get along with others, and you need others in your life. I think the hard part is learning to be comfortable with you first, then figuring out how to be your best you with other people.

I think this is a question EVERYONE deals with!! ! While we all (aspie and neurotypicals alike) need to learn to act in ways that allow us access to the things we need in life--by this I simply mean learning behaviors that are acceptable and those that aren't in the public sphere--(including being respected, respecting others, getting a job, groceries, a place to live etc), I believe the best advice is to be yourself in your personal life. That's what makes us all unique, and our lives worth living, in my opinion.

If you were to pretend to be other than you are, then the people you surround yourself with, and the environment itself that you live in will not be in line with who you really are, and you won't be happy anyway. I believe personal happiness really has to do with BEING who you are and having as much of your life in line with who you are as possible. Whatever interests you have, I guarantee there are many others who share them, and you can connect with these people regarding those interests. So it's simply a matter of finding those people, and the internet (which you're already adept at, obviously) is a perfect solution.

I have to add that being yourself doesn't mean acting out every impulse that fires in your brain no matter what the consequences of course--it means following your own path doing the things that interest YOU in a positive way.

If you're truly happy being you, DO NOT CHANGE! You're probably going to screw it all up in an effort to achieve only marginally increased happiness...

Implicit in your question, though, is that "yourself" is not really all that happy and would like to be happier. Sometimes just the pure act of changing a little, becoming more accomodating, getting a little friendlier can increase happiness, even if it's not necessarily reciprocated. As in, "at least I'm trying..."

Good points everyone. Despite being poor with nonverbal expression, I usually can tell when someone is putting on an act or presenting a front. It just seems misleading and unethical to me. I am worried that I am becoming more cynical as I get older. I used to be much more trusting and willing to go the extra mile for someone. Now, I have begun to expect the worse from people. Clearly that is not the way I would like to become. It feels like I am cheating myself.


I think it is more frustration than unhappiness for me. I am generally happy with my little net though not satisfied. I would like to be more successful and experience more, but most everything seems to be jumping through hoops to get there. I wonder if there is a way to thumb your nose at the system and society and still get the most out of your life? Aren't there people out there who want to do good without playing games? I think I am digressing too far off the initial question.

I do need to learn to hold my tongue at times and recognize that people have their own agenda.
I doubt I can change how I feel, but I could do well to learn some discretion.

You sound very tuned in to me. I totally agree with your wish to thumb your nose at the system and still get the most out of life. I would say engage with the system enough to get what you need (a paycheck, mostly), but try to do it doing something that is interesting to you, and then in the rest of your life, pursue your other interests. I know what you're saying about there being so many hoops to jump through. I say only jump through the ones that you have to to get what you need. My solution is to work part-time doing something I like a lot, and then I have a checklist of the things I want to be spending the rest of my time on (like reading about animals, exercising, etc), and I literally check each item off daily to make sure I don't get too far off track. On the top of my checklist it says, "Most of the time, do these things daily" so I don't feel like I failed if I don't do each thing every single day. If a long time goes by and one of the things is getting neglected, I try to analyze why: maybe I just don't want to be doing that thing, or maybe I do, but I have a time issue. And then i either remove it from the list or try to come up with a solution. This seems to work fairly well for me.

Sorry this is kind of unrelated to your original post!