this s**t is so embarrasing

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What im about to type might be more appropriate for a personal blog type thing rather than a post in a forum designated for back and forth conversation about subjects that affect all of us, but heregoes.

I dont have one f*****g shred of dignity, everyone who is not family or a close friend, and has had at least one encounter with me thinks that Im a f*****g ret*d. Nobody, anywhere has one goddamn bit of respect for me. In childhood I never had a damn clue what was going on, and thus was either picked on, or the recipient of something I believe to be worse than bullying, pity. People talked to me like a f*****g toddler, as they believed that I had the mental capacity of one. Im so tired of being underestimated and not taken seriously. everyone i went to high school with just thinks im gonna live with my parents and subside on a disablity check and/or sh***y job. Noone, save for family thinks im capable of contributing anything to the world, beyond Daniel Johnston style music or bad paintings, which seem to be the only artistic contributions made by "challenged" people. So ive decided to embark on a carefully calculated life journey, the quest for normal. Im going to change my mannerisms, my personality, my beliefs, my taste in music, every f*****g thing about myself, just so people will stop snickering about how big of a dips**t i am, or talking about how bad they feel for me. People will see me, the way i interact with people, and the way I do things, and say "wow, is that *** ****** (i would give my name, but i dont want the wrong people seeing this). I will use this thread as a journal, to track all my progress, and tell stories. I refuse to go on for the rest of my life as a pity case. f**k that. if this isnt successful, i may go crazy

Last edited by cursedone12 on 30 Dec 2010, 5:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It is wise to strive to fit in because it will make things easier for you but don't change your beliefs and who you are just because people are too shallow to 'get you'. You have gifts and abilities that could be used to make the world better - focus on that instead of what shallow 'sheeple' think, say, or do.

Don't worry so much about what others think - really. Figure out who you are and who you want to be and work on that because the sooner you're happy with who you are the better you'll feel. In a way such a thing is a great way to determine who you really want around you in your life. Shallow people are a waste of space. People that accept you are the ones that you should include in your life.

My view: If someone doesn't matter to me then their opinion/criticism also doesn't matter and thus is irrelevant.

Set you own path in life and be happy!
JD

I tried being myself and people wondered what the f**k was wrong with me. my natural personality/set of mannerisms is too flawed to ever entice anyone to have anything to do with me, unless they have the open-minded-ness of God. Im willing to do whatever it takes to just have a little bit of diginity. I totally appreciate what your trying to say, JediAustin. But im just too ecelectic to ever appeal to anyone without drastic personal changes. There arent enough compassionate people out there to try to form a network of support with my personality as it is. I dont think anyone acts completely naturally anymore. The only real intelligence I have is the ability to remember facts, and people think thats f*****g nerdy and creepy. Ill continue to celebrate the few useful attributes I have, but Im going to become a completely diffrent human being than the one I was previously

The sweetest revenge you are ever going to get is to prove the f**kers wrong.

No one will never give you your dignity. You will take it by force from life or you will not have it at all.

Dignity is not measured by your successes. It is measured by how well you get back up after you fail. It is an EXTREMELY expensive gift you give yourself.

I recommend your first goal be to get out from under anyone elses' thumb. The success is not yours if someone else gives it to you. Take that out of the equation or anything else you accomplish will be met with "yeah, but he still lives with his parents, so how hard can it be".

Once you are on your own, your goals will change. You will have more space and you will be able to tackle more difficult tasks. This will give you more opportunity to fail and succeed.

At the point where you have accomplished your goals despite the f**kers and despite being labeled and ostracized, despite all the failures, bumps and bruises you take along the way you can claim victory.

Only when you can prove that you are capable of being upended by life and still have the courage and tenacity to stand on your own two feet and help another, you will have found your dignity.

Noone else can give it to you. Once you have it, only you can take it away.

That was a money post, cranialrectosis. Here is my plan

To start, I will pay close attention to how I carry myself, I actually have a written down "physical code of conduct", detailing every move i should make in several different situation. One example is to have a confident looking seated stance. (this is f*****g weird, but if thats what it takes then so be it) I will ensure that I follow the physical code of conduct at all times.

I will work out, at this time I have the fitness you would expect (fat,little strength), i have devised a plan that will build muscle and burn fat, and by May i should be "ripped" and ready to kick some ass

I will more closely follow sports and popular television shows, and be ready to discuss them with peers upon reentry of school at a local community college.

I will listen to more popular music (hip hop,etc).

I will get better at sports, and turn into a "sick" athelte

in closing, i will be what society wants

Well stated and true CranialRectosis.
It took me awhile to find the cure for depression to deal with such things... it is action. When you take control of your life you will feel a drastic change. My recommendation if you're at least 18 is to join Toastmasters and work the entire program (both communication and leadership). It may take years to feel comfortable speaking but you'll start improving right away. You'll come out of it with more confidence and a sense of who you are. I've been in 6 1/2 years and have been able to improve greatly. You may have to go to several clubs before you find one that has people open enough to accept you and help you improve so don't be put off if the first few don't work out for you. http://reports.toastmasters.org/findaclub/
Beyond that find your niche in life where your skills give you an advantage and succeed in spite of the naysayers in your life.
JD

That is pretty unrealistic. Sure get in shape because you'll feel better in many ways and maybe have some passing knowledge of the mindless drivel most people consider important but become who you want to be not what your critics want. Just because some people can't see the value in who you are doesn't mean you aren't a value to society. Don't discount your gifts... only in contrast can you see the advantages.

The truth is that even if you did all of that you'd still feel like the odd one out in social situations at times even if others didn't seem to notice. How do I know? I tried to do that. Even though I was the athlete and 'popular' I didn't really fit in; I was just the odd one out among popular athletes at the school. Then you have people pretending to like you when they think you're weird.. I'd rather people be open and honest.

ive got a lot of thinking to do

Ive decided to proceed with the drastic personality change because I think that, for right now at least, It Is completely necessary if I want a good life. I will continue to be the same person I am in private, but as far as public interaction I will adopt an entirely new set of standards for how I conduct myself. Here are some general notes I have created

I.I am confident, almost to the point of being cocky
II.However, I am also extremely chill, and respond to humor only with a smug smile and small chuckle, and sit with a slight lean at all times
III.I am outgoing, but not to the point of being overbearing
IV. I am comfortable with my surroundings at all times
V.I am ready to respond to any comment or action without hesitation

Those are some general descriptions of the personality i will work to adopt

I think the "mentallity" you're taken is extremely good (I had this same plan when I was younger) and that you've gotten some good advice here. On the flipside, some things seem border unrealistic.

For example very hard for anyone to be comfortable with their environents at all times. I do indeed mean anyone, NT's included.

I think the whole learning sports thing is brilliant--but you should only use that if the people who you want to talk to like sports (stereotypically a lot of girls don't) I still think you should go for it tho.

You can be extremely chill--but be sure not to buckle into your comfort zone and not say anything. Chill works when you've manged for your audience to require your attention. It won't totally work in a group dynamic unless you make a draw by saying something or creating small talk first. Fonze hitting the jukebox days are over (if they ever existed.)

I speak to you from the standpoint of a fairly well-liked person with asperger's.

Being outgoing and well-spoken is something you can accomplish. You're going to make faux pas often, but just act like you did it on purpose. I grew up in California, and the attitude there is much more tolerant of people who are kinda "out there".

I have to say this-rather than trying to conform to an ideal, develop your own style and way of being. Be your OWN ideal. Develop your OWN opinions. If you think TV shows are stupid, say so. Ain't nothing wrong with that. Be confident about who you ARE, instead of being "confident" about a person you're pretending to be!

You won't be comfortable with your surrounding at all times. The only way I can even fake that is to hold myself wound so tight I get muscle spasms in my back and shoulders, and I lack a "normal" startle response (I'm overcompensating for my environment, so I don't jump even if someone pops a balloon behind my back!)

I'm sorry, but you won't be able to "think on your feet" in social situations. EVER. I'm almost 30 and I still cannot do that after YEARS of trying. The best you can do that SEEMS like that is to use pattern recognition and a set of stock phrases. Memorize vague and appropriate phrases, and try to recognize patterns in the situation, and use the most appropriate response according to similar situations you have been in.

You're still going to get embarrassed, you're still going to "put your foot in it", you're still going to have those days where you rail at yourself for being a complete 'tard. But you cannot forget, there are people who will like you for who you are!! ! I have a boyfriend who likes me in my full Aspergian glory.

I think actively wanting to change things about yourself that bother you is an admirable goal, but don't make a facade your face. Going through every moment of every day like it's a job interview will freaking kill you. trust me.

Malisha has stated it very well.

I too am a well accepted Aspie. I am 41 and recently diagnosed. Also from California.

The essense of 'cool' is being comfortable in your own skin no matter where you are.

I have spent my entire life trying to fit in. It is an expensive waste of time.

Trying to fit in with NTs will not only drive you nuts, eventually you will reach a point of social maturity where you realize that you have been living a lie.

As an Aspie, my first loyalty is to the truth. Trying to live a lie will eat me alive. It is the cause of MOST of the depression I have experienced in my life.

Imagine waking up in 10 years with no education, a job you hate, a girl who hates you, still paying rent, no money and stacks of Lady Gaga CDs to show for your time. Living a lie will do this to you.

Do work on attributes of yourself you want to enhance. Play to your strengths and bolster your weaknesses. As an ASPIE you get 20 years head start on NTs here.

By all means, get in shape. It really helps when bullies think twice about messing with you simply due to your physical attributes. Distance running is a solitary sport that requires mental discipline and a tolerance for pain. The breathing skills and reduced heartrate will help with pressure and meltdown mitigation at other times in your life. Aspies are naturals. I recommend it.

Toastmasters is a fantastic idea.

You can do anything you set your mind to, but you will stumble often in your endeavors. It will take time. Start small and work up.

Please trust me on this. Chuck the list in the fire. Read The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Take your time.

Get yourself self-sufficient and get your own space. Skip the lies. If you stim, stim with pride. Just be great at what you do and kind to others when you do it.

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." -Einstein

If you want the best revenge possible, be successful and use that success to help others.

Regards

You sounded a lot like me when I was your age and I was full of anger just like you. I had also even been underestimated a lot by my special education teachers with a low IQ that would never go anywhere. I also had people who I called friends who kept letting me down time after time and it led me to complete devastation.

Do you know what though? I found myself after high school and I discovered that I was just as capable as everyone else and recently graduated with a two-year degree which took me 5 years. When I finished, I sent my teachers copies of my transcripts and then moved on with my life. Meanwhile, I am now at Georgia State University working on a 4-year in psychology and possibly in Autism research.

So there is hope for you just there was and still is for me.

A close friend of mine (also with AS, but coupled with ADD and an anxiety disorder) is something like this. He's easily the smartest guy I know: his recall is more or less perfect and his mind works impossibly fast. Our teachers at school never knew how to handle him, and constantly lumped him into "special ed" simply because he was different. They tried to do the same to me, but I decided not to go. Anyway, this guy was streets beyond any of our teachers, and he's going to change the world somehow. The kind of guy who's going to invent tiny robots to kill viruses or a grasshopper farm to solve the problem of world hunger. He's so far removed from a societal idol of what a guy should be like, but his friends all love him to pieces. And he's going to be a huge success.


I did a similar thing to what you seem to be planning, but on a far smaller scale. I realised that there were some behaviours of mine that alienated people, so I observed friends who were high-functioning in terms of social ability and emulated them in these regards. Try this. Don't alter your entire self, because this will only make you despise yourself. Just take note of where you're going wrong and improve on it. Trust me on this one.

For us strange people, I consider building social skills to be equal to building your own good car out of a shell of an old one. You find the holes and the crapped-out parts, you see the parts that work, and you fix your car.

Thanks for the advice everyone, i apprecitate everybodys help. The fixing an old car thing, that one of you said is a great analogy. I admit that posting this thread was really self-centered on my part. It just sucks to realize that I only have like 3 friends, none of whom really do anything, and that the friend I did have that did do anything totally turned on me. Apparently thats the rule if you wanna be cool, is not associate with people like me. Im sure every aspergian knows what its like to sit alone in your room, not doing anything bc noone wants to hang out with you bc they think it would be awkward or embarassing. Ive decided that once I leave community college, Im going to school out of town. I want to live the lifestyle that everyone else is living, but the people in my general area, save for maybe like 4 people, all think that Im ret*d and, whether theyve said it or not, would not include me in their festivities. So im going to leave and try to make a life elsewhere, and feel like im worth a damn instead of the sweet little partially ret*d kid that everyone feels sorry for. I just want some f*****g dignity, thats all Im asking

Good stuff. Self-actualisation ftw!