Silence is golden...Well, not really.

Post Reply New Topic

There are so many factors involved in socialization that it would be impossible to address every single problem. But, you can still plan for things that you know are going to be problems. Yes, the people involved would change how to deal with the situations below somewhat, however, we can still get a general idea of what to do if we work together to come up with solutions.

One of the biggest problems I have in conversation is the awkward silence. This does not in any way, shape or form help boost my social status when people meet me. In fact, it hurts me quite a bit. Especially among people who don't know me that well.

I'm going to give a few scenarios with a background and conversation. Please help me figure out what to do if these things came up. These are the types of things that happen to me.

NOTE: NOT TO BE RUDE, BUT SAYING TALK ABOUT WEATHER, NEWS, SPORTS, SCHOOL, GENERIC THINGS DOES NOT HELP. ALSO, SAYING THAT HAPPENS TO ME, DOESN'T HELP. WHAT WE NEED TO HELP EACH OTHER OUT ARE SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO TRANSFORM CONVERSATIONS GONE AWKARD INTO UN-AWKARD SITUATIONS VIA THE EXAMPLES I'M GIVING.



Background: You are in a classroom and decide to begin a conversation with a classmate that you don't know particularly well.
You are not at all close enough to invite yourself over to their house, but you can kind of hint at it.

You:What are you doing after this?

2nd Person (P2): I'm going to watch (insert name of TV show) with a friend.

You: I haven't ever watched an episode.

P2: It's really good.

You: I'll have catch it with you guys sometime.

P2: Yeah, that sounds good.

<No one says anything. You both look at each other and shake your heads. P2 looks at their cell phone to
make things less awkward then looks back over and neither one of you say anything. Eventually they get up
and talk to someone else>.

Background: In this situation, you've known P2 for several months. If you had just met, you can obviously ask more questions.
But in this case, it wouldn't make sense to ask where P2 works since this had already been established in recent conversations.


P2: Hey, how are you.

You: Not bad what about you?

P2: Fine. Just hanging out, working and going to school.

You: Anything new with the job?

P2: Not real. Just same old, same old.
<You can tell things are about to get awakward so you say goodbye and walk off. It doesn't hurt you socially,
but you haven't deepened the friendship either. Ultimately, that was the goal. They then start a new converstation
with someone else and they have no problems mantaining it>.


Background: A friend has moved away for about 2 years. You've kept in contact and they have recently moved back into town.
You invite this friend to lunch. They accept. You exchange plesantries, then:

You: What have you been doing since you've been back?

P2: Nothing, really. Just staying at the house hanging out with the family.

YOu: (faceitiously) That sounds exiting.

P2: (laughing) Yeah it does...it's been kind of boring

You: We need to hang out and we'll fix that.

P2: Sounds good.
<Silence...about 20 seconds pass>
You: So it's been a while, what kind of stuff do you like doing?

P2: Just whatever everyone is doing. It doesn't matter.

You: Well, we'll figure something out.

P2: Yeah.

Come on guys. We can takle this problem together. I know its a lot to look at, but go ahead and try to come up with some solutions to help with the scenarios given.

my thoughts: I am kind of at the other side of the coin. Overcomming these silent moments sounds really great. BUT i think a more effective striving would be learning to accept the awkwardness. Its very likely this is always going to be there, would it not be more efficient to learn how to be at peace with yourself and this ''deficit''. Wanting to improve yourself is positive fighting yourself is not.

1. Why would you want to have a deeper relationship with people where you feel the need to keep up this conversational game so the relationship does not go bad. Would it not be more meaningfull to look for people with whom these silent moment do not go awkward ?. You cannot get along with everybody on this planet. In the end i think it is enough to have one exceptionally good friend its more then most people get in their life.

2. IF you do not have people like this in your life you will have to learn how to be satisfied on your own till then.

I am an optimist and i do not think you need good social skills to form really deep connections with people. I just see social skills as a means of having more potential to do so. being genuine is what forms connections between people, employing strategies only builds on top of all the s**t that people have around themselves that keeps them from really interacting with each other.

Yes this turned into a half rant aimed towards myself and my austitic brethren.


Tip: do some research into the pick up artist scene, what you are looking for is an aspect of what the pick up community is also working on improving in themselves. Pick up artists actually give great advice if you find the real genuine stuff, be carefull of all the bullsht floating around though. You can even put this same post on a pua forum people there will tell you far more then you will hear here.

okay, I'll start giving opinions since opinions were asked.

Situation 1:
After that conversation,
You: "Hey, I am bored that (night, weekend whatever) can I come watch (insert name of TV show) with you?

I disagree with the idea that you have to hint about this simply because you don't know them enough. P2 can feel free to decline if necessary. In fact, my experience has been that they will let you know quite directly whether they have accepted the invitation or not.

Situation 2:
These seems like classic small talk at first. Things get awkward because the other person is expecting you to continue the conversation instead you don't say anything. So instead of walking away you should start talking about yourself or your job. Once you've hooked that person than make sure you pause after every few sentences so the person the other person can respond. In this case the purpose of small talk was to start a real conversation.

Situation 3:
Okay, you blew it at the <Silence, 20 second pause>. You need to start talking about what they like or if that doesn't work talk about yourself or what you like. The fact that you don't have that confidence to launch into a conversation and start talking is probably a turn off. I would have launched into a long conversation about anything non-controversial--say the lunch you eating for example.

Conclusion:
It sounds like this is a social anxiety problem. I think the solution is to speak freely and often and not worry about what the other person is thinking as much. I think if you just quit worrying about what the other person thinks and think of yourself than the social anxiety will go away. Social status is often determined by how well people like you. The best you can do is to be as open-minded and assertive as possible without being argumentative. Some people will like you, some won't and some will be indifferent. I think that more people will like you if were more assertive and quit worrying about WHAT you are saying and just start talking.

When I talk, I tend to talk a lot and try to speak clearly and directly to get my point across.
So that is my honest response. Does this help you?

@Jackbus01,

thank you for the great advice, you suggest to just keep talking about yourself etc. But what if your mind is somehow blank and you can not think of a single sentence to say ? This is my problem, I meet someone new, or who I don't know so well and I am literally blank as to what to say. In my mind I will have many thoughts going on, about stuff to do at work or whatever, but not suitable for small talk. Somehow I just lose the ability to come up with a single sentence to say.

Maybe we need a decent length list of sentences or topics to try and remember, say 50 or so. Thay way if we memorize them we should be able to find a fairly suitable one in the list in 90% of occasions.

@TB, I know what you are saying, and in many ways I agree with you, but I am finally starting to realize that an inability to make small talk can hold you back in society, career, business etc. So for that reason I want to try and improve. I don't really expect to make any important new friends because of small talk.

I hope that I will be able to learn this skill. I think that Aspies probably can learn it, but we will be like a tone deaf person learning to play the piano. We will know the right keys to press and the right order / time to press them, but never really understand the melody or the harmony in the 'music' of the small talk.

I like the idea of looking for pick up artists advice

thanks
Bawldy

smart talk is way overrated. It has very little to any meaning.

I know we are just on forums but:

what is wrong with taking about me or you?
have you noticed forum entries are colored alternatively differently.
have you ever used the bold, italic, and underline enhancers?
what do think of the wrong planet forums?
when did you discover wrong planet?
Don't you hate it when people answer question with overly brief answers?
How often do you post a day?
Do you prefer any other forums besides this one?

I just know you from your postings but I just managed to quickly think of 8 (it took me longer to type)
things to start a conversation about. My point is look at your environment and pick one, if you can't find one than you can fall back by talking about you.
No need to memorize anything. Make it up and just start talking, alot. Make sure to pause every few sentences for the other person to respond.

I am not looking for answering to these question, I am just giving examples of conversation starters.
Remember small talk is overrated. I hate in it and refuse to engage in it.