How to be socially acceptable? (Aspie and NT help wanted)

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I'm Steve, an 18 year old who is unsure if he's Aspie or NT. One thing is for sure though: I long to be socially acceptable.

First up, conversations. Most of the time I can't think of anything to say or contribute (sometimes I think I'm actually detracting from the conversation and don't know how to contribute). It's like I was born without the ability to relate to people. I keep second guessing myself as to what their interests are and the result is usually negative unless we naturally hit it off.

Second, status, People (particularly guys) talk about parties, girls they've scored with, etc. in order to promote their status around others. I have literally no experience with either of these (sad, right?) so I was wondering, should I just make s**t up so that they'll look at me more highly? I already know how to feign interest, just feigning a social life seems like a stretch...

Third, the way I talk. Sometimes I stutter out of nerves, other times I guess I just don't talk in a confident voice...? This also ties into conversations, as I feel as if I'm not being enthusiastic enough to contribute to the conversation. Maybe alcohol can help with this.

Last, my appearance. I have the styles down pat, just gotta see what looks good on me. I'm just having a hard time with my hair (especially hard for someone who is still awaiting a hair transplant for the hair I lost to premature balding ) Also, I've come to the conclusion that my face might looks like a pedo's (not even trolling here, I don't like the look of it at all and people have remarked that it looks creepy).

Any suggestions, guys?

Well I wish I could give you something constructive but not only am I very socially awkward and also a lesbian. Its not that I "look" like a lesbian, everyone thinks I'm straight. But both of those things do make it hard for me to be accepted.