"you don't speak enough."

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Hello all,

This christmas my elder sister and her boyfriend were home with me.
I was in charge of the house as my parents weren't there. I thought all went allright. But yesterday my dad told me she had told him on the phone that she was sad because I hadn't speak to her.

That's not true. I asked her questions about her baby (she is pregnant). I told her some jokes.

Apart fom trying to speak to her, I tried to be nice with her. I played the violin for her and her boyfriend.


And then , my dad said: "it's true, you don't speak enough".


It's not like the post "People who NEED interaction". This time I wanted to interact and I couldn't do it.


What should I do next time I want to "be nice" with people?

Perhaps you should sit down and ask her what she would like to talk about? It's hard to say. Complaints like this usually mean they would like to talk about nothing. By that, I am referring to "smalltalk" or "chit chat." People seem to enjoy sitting around and talking about nothing...which I've never completely understood. I've been told there are books out there that try to teach you the 'rules' of simple conversations, but I forget what they are...

This is something I have been told many times, or it has got back to me that others have said it. It even happens at work. I would like to talk to people a lot, and even have the plan in my head that I will do it, but I always back off because I don't feel comfortable...or don't know what to talk about...or so on.

I understand that but my case is a little different because either I do not speak enough (my mother says that I must be deaf and not hear people talking... but when they talk about nothing, I have nothing to say) or I speak too much about my interests.

I want to interact with people but I have a hard time knowing how to do it. When I speak, I say the wrong thing at the wrong time, or I do not talk about something they are interested in.

As Tekneed wrote, people seem to like just being together talking about nothing. I really am not good at small talk.

I have tried to prepare in advance what I will say. I think of something to talk about, which could interest them, or of a question. Sometimes it works.

But your message is interesting because being nice is not just talking. You wrote you played the fiddler and asked her questions.

I've got that from people (independently of each other) too - 'you don't speak enough/you're too quiet' and 'you don't smile enough'. That, regrettably, is how a lot of normal people perceive a lot of people with AS. No, it's not fair and as Fiddler's experience shows not necessarily true. Just another way for normal people to harass us when they think/know they can get away with it. And it's a very RUDE thing for normal people to say - if they didn't think they could get away with it with us (I once was harassed out of a job* after three months because of these issues, long before I knew I have AS) they wouldn't dare do it. (If one belongs to a 'privileged class' like affirmative-action black hires in the States one doesn't have to take that crap.)

Adults get away with saying such hateful things to kids too - I wouldn't go back to being a kid or teen if my life depended on it. If I knew what I know now, I'd think about it but probably not.

*I don't belong to a privileged class of hires, I was perceived as weak (now I know why) and they were a law library - they have plenty of lawyers to back them up so they know how to fire people and get away with it. I went there thanks to AS bad judgement and ironically trying to fit in better with normal people - it totally backfired. Now that I know about AS I'd never make that mistake again.

Yes, I've been told the same things, as well.

A girl at my work hated me because I was "too quiet" and "too passive." My cousin explained to me that when you do not say much, other people may feel uncomfortable because they do not know what you are thinking, and may assume you're thinking bad things about them (especially if you don't smile).

She suggested that I try to respond more, or just ask questions of the other person. I find it much easier to have a conversation if the other person does most of the speaking, and I do more listening and questioning. Try to come up with a topic your sister is interested in, or something you share in common, and if she talks about something, just ask her questions about what she says. For example, if she says "I went to visit my friend's house the other day" you can ask her what her friend is like, or what they did there.



I don't think it's intended as harrassment, Young fogey. It seems more like a misunderstanding, to me. It can be hard to hold a conversation with someone who speaks very little (I know because I have met people who speak less than I do, and it's very difficult). A lot of people feel uncomfortable in silence. I understand that you might not feel that way, but it's necessary to reach a compromise sometimes.

Hi Fiddler,
You did just fine as I see it. You not only talked about their interests but lovingly extended yourself playing the violin for them. I am a very quiet person and I deeply appreciate when I can spend time with a friend in silence, just being together. Most people it seems converse almost continuously which is difficult for me to take for more than say 30 minutes! I don't compromise as much as I used to. People take me as the quiet person I am or we just don't spend much time together. The beauty of growing up is you don't have to take it anymore. Family members included. I wish I had a friend offer to play the violin for me.

I know exactly how you feel. I've had people ask me why I'm so quiet, and sometimes I'm not even sure myself. I guess communication doesn't come as easily for us aspies. I guess you have to treat it like a sport or something and it's all you; talk and find interesting things to say that can keep conversation flowing, and you'll score goals and maybe even win. I'm still working on that on my own, and I think I'm doing pretty good. Most days. But it can be really frusturating when you have a lot to say and you don't say it, or if you feel you should be submitting more to the conversation. I hate that. I feel like I don't communicate with people well enough. But yeah, it can be really time consuming trying to figure all this stuff out.

Oh well, I guess all we can do is try...

I understand how you feel. For some reason society condsiders it ok to be like this to people- it's wrong.

People automatically don't like me because i'm quiet, but it works both ways, it wasn't like they were trying to initiate a conversation either.

Perhaps you could tell your dad that, if someone in my family said that I'd probably tell them to get stuffed, which probably isn't a good way to go about it.

This girl (a friend of a friends boyfriends friend or whatever) was talking about this guy saying "Is he one of those sort of people that never talks?" in a really putting down way. I really felt like saying, "have you tried talking to him?!"

she pissed me off so much I ignored her for most of the night.

When you're a child, being quiet is called shy or bashful.
When you're a teen, it's weird or snobby.
In the 20's, it's introspective.
Later in life, it's often interpreted as a sign of wisdom.

I've had people see it as a sign that I'm miserable and try to pull me into the social gathering and put me in the spotlight so that "I'd have more fun". NOT!

It reminds me of what happened when I was dating this woman during college. I spent a couple breaks with her family and couldn't contribute to the conversations that were all gossip talk (her, her mother, aunt and grandmother). So I would excuse myself and go off and read. This did not sit well!

Later, my girlfriend told me that her mother thought I was a "dud".
I don't know why she told me that, but I could never like her mother after that.

Ultimately she grew to like me, but it took several years for me to open up with the family gatherings and feel almost comfortable when surrounded by all these chatty women.

It would be great if other people understood how we feel but it seems that we're destined to be second class citizens as long as we don't force ourselves to play their games.

My Resource Room Teacher was on my back about not talking to the girls in my Regular Classes when I was in Grade 10. I told her that I was scared of them, just to get her off my back. She told me that they were more scared of me than I was of them. That really discouraged me. I didn't tell her the truith at all. The girls who were in my Regular Classes were snobs. They hated anybody who looked, acted or sounded different. They were also Brit Haters, and they thought I was British, because of my Accent, even though I was born in Canada. They also despised anything that had to to with any Decade before the 80s and 90s, and I was a 60s type Hippie, but a clean one. Another reason for the Regular Girls to hate my Guts. The girls in my English Class were talking about how they hate it when they blow-dry their hair and it doesn't come dry right away. I attempted to join the conversation and put my few words in. the Queen Bee of the group said, "Oh yeah...okay...whatever..." I ran out of the class in anger and I headed to the Councilor's Office. I rarely got angry in those days. I swung my Councilor's door open and I yelled, "I hate this School, I hate the kids, and I want to lose my Accent!" I told her what happened and than I snuck back into class so that none of my Hurtful Classmates would notice that I've left in the first place. An English Class. What a strange Class to be ostricised in for having an English Accent. I never talked to any of the kids in any of my Classes, again until the end of Grade 11.

I don't see what you did 'wrong', fiddler. It seems that many people have trouble with silences, whereas most of us wander off in our own thoughts happily enough in the gaps between comments - that seems to be the only real purpose of small talk to me, to stop people feeling awkward. The fact that we don't do it, or understand it, is probably what puts that type of person off us.

CockneyRebel, your school'mates' sound like the worst kind of empty headed 'normal' teenagers - at least some of them grow out of it. Reminds me of my attempts to fit in in middle school, before I gave it up as a bad job and decided to despise them - and made fun of them back until they left me alone...

Dunc

I think this proves apoint that NT's can be as bad if not worse at communication and tactlessness as anyone with AS.

What a thing to tell someone! It's the sort of thing one keeps to themselves if told.

CockneyRebel- kids are jerks.. and alot of the time they do grow out of it and feel bad, but some people are so thick they never do, and live boring and common lives. You are better than them.

Kids were absolutley HORRIBLE to me in primary school, and some kids at intermediate were too.

High school for me was fine, except in my senior year, some of the "jocks" bitched about me behind my back, which I happened to overhear.

I glare at them whenever I see them now, and they look really uncomfortable. I'm so glad to be out of school.

At my school, the kids are total [censored]. They are obtuse, they don't seem to care one iota about what I have to say.

I am a bit quiet, don't talk much, it's much too hard. I typically get along with other adults, NT kids are evil little creatures with an appetite for devastating people emotionally. NT teens are worse.

"You don't talk much, do you?"
Well, the person often isn't interesting enough to talk to!

I speak like a Pom (a Briton) myself, and when I get extremely angry I speak in a very posh but still angry manner. Australians hate Poms (Britons) with a passion, and anyone that reminds them of the British culture. Understandable, seeing as Australia was a penal colony, but still, you'd think we'd have learnt by now...

NTs talk too much without saying anything.

Due to all the hurt that I've experienced from Australians, I am not at all attracted to Australian women. To me, an Australian accented female voice is a red flag. The closest thing in my life to a girlfriend happens to be a forty-something Dutchwoman who happens to be my integration aide and already married...

Fiddler, if you came up to me and offered to play the violin to me, I would definitely accept your offer. I have similar difficulties myself interacting with the common crowd. Often, I want to interact and can't do it.

There's the catch for many of us with AS:

If you're considerate and don't talk much, so you don't annoy people by talking about your interest, people don't like you and, even if you know not to rabbit on about your pet subject, they don't even give you a chance to show off your hard-won social skills because they don't bother to start a conversation. You're invisible.

But if you talk, people don't like you and say you're arrogant, garrulous, etc.

P.S. Crion87, stuff the Aussies who treat you badly. I'd pay a competent Henry Higgins to learn to talk like you.

Small talk I am also incapable of, but since that is a major symtom of AS I don't know why I'm telling you that.

I think I give people bad impressions because if I don't know them I won't say anything, oftentimes not even a hello. They kind of just sit there and think of stupid things to say to me, like which school I go to, etc...

what does "keeping quiet" mean?