asking the right questions; all about other people

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Hi All

I use a lot of my patience just trying to figure out how I have to say what I need to say for other people to tell me what I want to know. This is amazingly draining and can be about little stuff or big stuff. For example, a family member asked me today to buy a roast while I was out shopping. I said "sure how many people are coming so I know how big a roast to buy". They launched into about 3 minutes of discussion about why various people couldnt make it to dinner and why some could and how they were getting there and who is getting along with who and who is not getting along. I sat patiently waiting and listening then asked the same question. How many people are coming so I know how big a roast to buy. They answered 4. I was a little tiered and usually try to be more well manored but explained that if they had of just said 4 originally it would have saved them a lot of talking. I got the 'jee you can be rude sometimes' responce. I explained it wasnt that I didnt care it was just that I am trying to make sure I ask questions properly so how else could I have asked that question so it made more sense. I didnt get very far but it highlighted the need not to point out to others what I may like them to do to be clearer. I was asking how many people are coming, not what is the current state of everyone's relationship. I find this reallly hard sometimes, waiting and being patient and trying to frame a question the right way and listen but also try and be a part of the conversations. Sometimes its just a bit much to expect a clear answer to what I think is clear question. I wouldn't mind so much if people gave me all the other stuff they want to tell me that has not much to do with the question I ask as long as they eventually give me an answer to the question. I find this the most tiering part of working with others but family are the most challenging. I think a lot of people want to tell other people things and it doesnt matter so much what the question is they will just talk if the oportunity arrises. Maybe like some of us aspies and our special interests maybe. Did I just go in circles saying I find it hard when NT's do things wierd that are the same in a way to what people with AS do? Maybe its a challenge for both sides.

Well, I have my share of issues with framing a good question but I do know that the initial question you posed, asking how many the roast was meant to serve, was straightforward. The other person was either not very focused or was rolling all the details around out loud in order to figure out how many people would be coming. I suppose the only thing you could do differently in the future is just wait until the other person stops babbling and then calmly repeat the question, "Okay, so how many are coming after all that then?" possibly adding that they lost you in the details... the more you take on yourself, the more sympathetic people tend to be. Clarifying that you didn't quite get it without adding that it was because they couldn't get to the danged point already works better, I find.

One of the hardest things can be figuring out whether it's them or you that is the weak link in the conversation... and it seems like the other person is always eager to make it clear that it's you. I know I get tired of being the only one to consider both possibilities in a given conversation.

I have learned to notice when other people are doing processing that I can't follow, and tune out, saving myself energy. Wait for them to finish, and then restate the question, maybe in a different way. I find that telling other people off for wasting my time isn't a great idea. They don't have a good enough theory of my mind to know that they are causing me extra hassle. They think they are sharing.

I don't see why you were given all the relationship details in response to "How many people are coming so I know how big a roast to buy?" unless the other person was stressed (or otherwise bothered) regarding the people not coming. If stressed or bothered, they were possibly trying to calm down about it. If they weren't stressed about it, they possibly read into what you said (misinterpreting) rather than understanding that it was a straight up question on your part.

I probably would have interrupted the person when they started to talk about the relationship stuff but that is probably part of the reason I find it hard to make rl friends.

We have to realize that we process things differently than an NT. That means we don't always understand the way they work (due to that and theory of mind) and we can't expect them to get us either. I find by having an outburst I expend energy and cause confusion on both sides. For example in your story I would ask "How big of a bird do we need?" "Do you think a small bird is enough?" or something after my initial failure to get my point across. I always try to remember there is often no guilty party, just miscommunication.

I'm glad that this topic was brought up. I find the same thing with people when I ask them a question. All the time wasted listening to everything else they have to say. That is assuming they do finally answer the question.

I do not think that it is a case of framing the question right, but just the way some people answer the question. They have to explain the why behind their answer before actually answering. Maybe its just the way they process their thoughts to get to the answer. I don't know, just something I put up with.

I use to get anger about it and say "Just tell me the answer", but people would tell me that they are getting to it and quit being so rude. Instead now I just multitask. Think about how I am going to solve that computer problem, how I am going to write a forum post on WP or looking up at the ceiling realizing that I need to use the feather duster. Anything that keeps my mind occupied and look I'm still interested while keeping a little bit of focus on what they are saying so I know when the answer does finally come.