Do I tell my friends about my AS?

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I was just diagnosed with AS. I'm kind of freaked out about it, and quite self-conscious, but suddenly all the pieces of my life are falling into place. I finally understand some of my behaviors.

I'm wondering, should I tell my friends about diagnosis with Aspergers? I don't want to make excuses. I've slowly been losing all my friends (as I always have with every group of friends I've ever had) for various reasons, one of which is because they think I'm mean. I simply don't know if I'm mean. What I do know is that after every social interaction I feel like I have to try SO HARD to be accepted, and then I never really make it to the "in-crowd." I'm left fatigued and angry.

I don't want to use my condition as an excuse or as a way to justify/explain myself. Should I even tell my friends?? I feel like they already don't understand me... would this help, or hinder?

I would start by telling those friends that you are actually close to and have known awhile.

It's hard to determine beforehand, but tell the ones most likely to say "Awesome, I knew it!"

This depends on a lot of things, obviously. What you should remember is that while some may try to stigmatize it, those who say "what took you so long?" are likely to be ones you'll be friends with for quite a while.

I would only tell close friends. But don't expect them to ever be experts on it. And don't expect some great moment where they "totally get you now". That is setting yourself up for disappointment. When I announced it on facebook, one friend said it really fit me but no one else ever did. Sometimes silence can be just as horrible as a bad reaction.

I've told two people so far, my best friend and my sister. They both said "well, of course you are" / "That doesn't surprise me at all".

I guess I'm having a hard time seeing myself the way I did before the diagnosis... I want to shout it out to everyone so now they finally understand me. But from the comments so far, it sounds like probably adding this to the mix will only hinder relationships.

Thanks so much for the comments so far. I'm so glad other people have dealt with this

I agree. Most people, even if they have some idea about AS, won't have done - and won't do - the kind of in-depth reading about AS that a new Aspie is likely to do. So you are more likely to be the local expert about AS than your NT acquaintances.

As for negative comments on Facebook ... many well-meaning NTs are likely to regard AS as simply a bad thing, a negative, rather than as a mixture of strengths and weaknesses. So if comments come about your new diagnosis, they might well be like the sort of pitying comments that you would get if you told someone you had just had brain damage. Trying to explain that AS is a difference, not just a disability - that it has strengths as well as weaknesses - may not get you very far. People will think you are saying the equivalent of "brain damage isn't so bad " - to them, it just won't add up. They don't see the strengths of AS (or at least, they don't realise that your strengths might exist precisely because you have AS).

Well, that was my experience.

I would

+1 I also announced it to a lot of people and got mixed reactions. Sometimes people seem really awkward I'm not sure exactly why and don't say anything..............tell those who you are closest to

I was just diagnosed too, and I debated the same decision. What it came down to is you need to judge how immature/judgemental the person would be. If he's been insensitive or rude to other people with difficulties, then you probably shouldn't tell him too much, then again you should also not call him a "friend" anyway. In my case, I chose not to tell my mom. She can be mean and she has never understood me before, so I would really need to be naive to think that a label will change her behavior.

It's also a bit of a mutual self-disclosure rule. If someone tells you something of equal gravitas (ex. depression, learning disabilities, divorced parents) then that's the cue for you to tell them about your struggles. Think how much personal information you know about your friends, then it's easier to make a judgement of what you should tell them.

Without going into the whole big long story that led up to it, I just recently figured out in the last month or so that I have been a lifelong Aspie. I also believe my young daughter is facing the same issues. On one level, it changes everything and on another level, it changes nothing. I'm still me and she's still her. So what's the point in telling people about it? I want to tell no one. I have talked about it with my NT wife and I'm kind of leaving it to her what to do about it. I don't want the drama or the discussion that goes along with such a revelation. Instinctively, I know all the important people in my life will eventually realize it's true, but I don't want them in my head so to speak. If my wife tells family and other important folk on the sly and says that I don't really want to talk about it, that's cool ... they'll respect it. But I can't imagine sitting my parents and siblings down and making a big announcement. The thought of it makes my skin crawl.

I had one bad experience discussing this with people, so now I am trying to keep it a bit more to myself. It was with a friend and she was likely joking, but it still affected me. She was explaining to her ASD child that we "might not always meet at this one place because other people might be using it" at a local group that I organised. I said, "We will always meet at this one place because this is where new people will come to meet with us and if we aren't here they might not know who we are." She responded, "Ok, Miss Autism." That was an ouch moment. Ever since I'm much more careful who I share with.

I'm not easy to understand and it certainly does explain a lot about me, but for some it also seems to give them permission, even jokingly, to dismiss what I say. I don't ever want to be perceived as "Miss Autism" ever again and I don't want my son to be perceived that way either. It's a tough one because I also want to be open and believe that the more of us that are willing to "come out" the more aware other people will become. Or maybe not.