the mysterious "having fun?" question

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I went out to a restaurant the other day, with some of my extended family and their people (partners, parents and siblings of partners).

I don't do well in groups, and I fade out in chaotic places like busy restaurants--if I manage to avoid completely shutting down (staring at nothing and rocking back and forth, oblivious to my surroundings) I usually end up intensely focused on something random--such as finding patterns in the carpet/stippled ceiling tiles, drawing on napkins etc.

When I was at the restaurant the other day, I ended up making simple "art" with the sugar packets (there were three varieties with different colored packaging, and there were tons of them crammed into a square dish). While I was doing this, a person I've never met before (in-law of one of my relatives) who was sitting beside me said, "Having fun?"

People often ask me if I'm "having fun?" when I'm doing something random. I always answer the question "yes," "no," or "sort of,"and continue whatever I'm doing. It's suddenly occured to me that when people ask me if I'm having fun, it may be one of those odd rhetorical questions that's actually a statement--like when people ask "What are you doing?" when they know perfectly well what you're doing but wish to inform you that they don't approve or that they think your actions are weird.

If I could hear sarcasm (which I can't, most of the time), then the presence or absence of sarcasm would be an indicator of whether or not they're actually asking...but I still wouldn't have any idea how to respond. It's not a big deal that I don't get it, but I'm curious about it.

Does anybody else get asked this? Do you think/know if this question is usually rhetorical? Any thoughts about what kind of response is expected by the person who's asking?

I usually answer with the honest truth though it isn't always the best answer:
"Not really.. these kinds of things give me a headache... you?"
It usually ends right there

Usually, it's their way of saying, "I don't like how you're not engaged with us, but I don't really know how to get you to talk to us, so I'm gonna comment on what you're doing and hope you start talking about it so I feel more comfortable." I remember as a kid, going out to dinner with my mom and one of her friends. I wouldn't talk unless directly asked something, and not even then sometimes, since I felt I wasn't obligated to say something if I didn't want to. "Do you want to go out to the car?" my mom would ask. "Then BEHAVE." I was mystified, since I was sitting quietly, not throwing things, just like they want you to at school. So, I thought I WAS behaving. Being quiet was as well behaved as you can get, right?

Apparently not, when you get a certain age. When you're in a group, and you don't talk, nobody knows what to do with you. The NT's get uncomfortable, ESPECIALLY when you do something on your own that has nothing to do with them. All I can tell you is just smile and say, "Yes, I am, thank you." and go about your business.

The question of sarcasm is irrelevant. Just tell the person the truth. If they don't like the answer, then it's their problem.

It's posts like this that makes me reconsider something that I thought I understood.

I fold and twist up straw wrappers, or any paper on the table, in a way similar to your sugar-packet thing. I was asked whether I was having fun dozens and dozens of times before I realized (as an adult) that it was usually sarcastic. I still answer "yes". Eff 'em. I cope how I can.

I actually didn't know that this was an AS symptom but I seem to do this even where I go to do my hobby. (playing random notes and looking at the clock).

No-one seems to bother though and that is why I am so withdrawn at the place...if the ones I know quite well engaged a convo with me I would be happy to talk...but they never continue the pace so I kind of say things in an akward manner since I know they just say one sentance which I can predict every week...the Yeah, you? response does get on my nerves and I say it in a quick but quick tone....

Now the "Having fun?" statement sounds like a taking a mickey comment to me...I would personally say "Not when it's boring", but I have learnt to not hurt people's feelings by saying stupid things.

Thanks for all the replies!

It never occurred to me that anybody would ask that as a way to start up a conversation! If she wasn't making fun of me, she probably was trying to get me to talk, given that I was sitting beside her in silence.

It seems like a strange way of getting someone to talk, though. But a lot of the ways people try to get me to talk seem odd....like saying, "You're very quiet." (Oh, the irony: I'm supposed to start a conversation based upon a comment about how I don't take part in conversations)

I never understand why so many people are uncomfortable with somebody who's in their own little world for whatever reason, or who just doesn't say much. I wonder why that is?