Male Aspies and Girls

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Greetings again!

If that issues has been addressed to already, then I apologize, I am very lousy at using forum searches. Anyhow, if not, there is something I'd like to ask you that has been on my mind for some years now, and since the day I have been diagnosed even more so:

I always got along with girls better than boys of my age. My closest male friends are all between 5 and 15 years older than me, while most of my lady friends are my age. And it has been like that since high school. I never had many friends at the same time (around 3 was the most I could handle), but since about age 16, at least 2/3 of these 3 friends where of female gender, most of the time all three were. I never found a reasonable explanation for that, as I never was the one initiating the friendship. The only thing I did was I stayed clear of the boys that were in my class, as I found them to be too immature, and looking back at it today, maybe it was some kind of self-preservance involved, as I was always a social misfit and was scared I might get bullied if I failed at the first social contact.
Anyhow, even today, when I sit around at college, most of the time it is with girls, in the group that I learn in, I am the only male. When I was at a workshop last summer at another college for about two weeks (don't get me started how much mental preparation it took me to get myself to do that), I got flocked by girls, and I too have to say that conversation with most girls I meet is by far more stimulating than with guys, as most of them actually have to say something important about matters at hand, and I guess they are all polite enough that they endure my endless monologues about topics that I am interested in. Now, one could argue that these girls are interested in me in a romantic fashion, but I strongly believe that this is not the case (not that I would be able to tell, but I assume if one of them was, they'd told me at some point), as my lady friends back in school told me they hang out with me because I was... well different. They never got more specific than that, and I was too happy to have just a little female company at that time to ask them for more about "being different". One of the girls at college once told me she thought I was "good boyfriend material" because I was "different", but I pretended to ignore that remark because I honestly would not know what to say, and the thought off me talking with rather strange female persons about romantics and all that still scares me.

Long story short: Have any of you made similar experience, or is quite the opposite true? Or none of those and it is just coincidence? What do you think defines "different" in that case? I mean, none of them ever knew I got Asperger's, so that knowledge could not have possibliy tainted their oppinion about me.

I have had girlfriends but I would imagine that having an Aspie GF would be truly wonderful, though finding one is almost impossible.

Complete opposite. The people who seek me out as a friend are almost always male. Women are- and always have been- uncomfortable and frightened around me. I don't know why our experiences differ so greatly, but my guess is it comes down to appearance, body language, and communication style.

I like your user name by the way. You sound like a pretty nice, open guy. I wish more aspies were like you.

Thank you for these nice words, I'll try my best to be as straightforward about myself as possible.

As it seems, even though the gender of our experiences differ, there seems to be some kind of polarization. Let's see what else we'll learn in this matter from others.

Women hate me.

But then, I'm an Aspie gal.

I envy a lot of you, having only female friends, when I have only had male friends (although I could say I've had female friends before, for about 2 months). I have always been scared of girls, but at the same time pined for having a friendship with a female. All I have is my cat, for that.

And I always get the strange feeling that boys and men hate me. I assume it is because they think I am arrogant because I don't share most of the "male" interests (like sports, partying, talking about girls, and so on), and almost always openly state that these are things I don't care for because they don't stimulate me intellectually, but this is just a theory I have without much opportunity to prove or deny. Allthough I have to admit that I do have two very close male friends (like I said, both much older than me) and the number of my female friends has reduced over time, I still miss the days where they were more girls around me. Somehow was a lot more peaceful and quiet than with men.

May I ask you if you have any clue as to why that is that other women hate you?

I don't really have enough social experience to determine if I tend more to having males or females as friends. Hell, I haven't even talked to a girl my age face-to-face.

I had the same experience (mostly friends with girls). I also have a similar aversion to sports and stereotypically macho male mannerisms and interests. I find it has these effects: 1) I'm not accustomed to thinking of females as primarily potential sex partners and 2) I'm not filled with homophobic anxiety and have an easier time allowing homosexual feelings conscious expression. I think the ancient Greeks and bonobos are fairly conclusive evidence that homosexual desire is universal (hence the ubiquitous and totalitarian methods to restrain it).

I personally suspect that sex segregation and gendering have a lot to do with sexual orientation. I think a lot of male gendering is engineered to produce effective soldiers, and that sensitive males may find themselves incompatible with this kind of programming and have a better experience in the more maternal culture (itself imposed - as attested by radical feminists) of women. If Andrea Dworkin is right, intercourse itself is at present THE fundamental statement of a masculinity based on conquering and domination (which is why any suggestion of gayness or femininity in a heavily masculine-indoctrinated male is threatening, and why "f*ck you" is not a compliment).

Ironically, in a patriarchal society where men have historically dominated (even owned) women, it is the sensitive men who are friends with women who actually have the opportunity to truly relate to them. And perhaps an aspie predisposition more readily allows for this gay outcome (which, in my opinion, in the sense mentioned above, is the wave of the future, when gay will lose its necessarily homosexual component, a consequence of being outside of the gender system).

Very insightful contribution, much obliged (and also, since it is your first post: welcome!).

im not diagnosed with AS, but i strongly suspect i have it...

and my "laid" count is 12 different girls.. im 20...

just dress according to trends, and you'll get all the easy girls.

Parse THAT post with a radical feminist analysis!

Well Im an aspie female, while I do have female friends, girls probably find me hard to connect with. Female friendships can be emotionally complicated, I have no clue.

From an observers perspective, the males that tend to have lots of female friends tend to be very good at making connections with people in general. Like you see them, and you dont even have to say anything and they connect with you. I havent known a lot of aspies, but I would guess aspies generally dont do that.

I was very late to reach puberty and during the eighth grade, when half of my class was growing beards, I still looked and sounded like a little boy. (I was also the shortest guy in my class.) Boys teased me and girls seemed to feel sorry for me, but I never became friendly with any (I was always scared of girls even before my loss of innocence). For a while I literally wanted to be a girl. Then I realized that if I could ever have a girlfriend I needed to become a man. I'm pretty sure if I were gay I would have had a sex change.

I have always found it much easier to interact with girls than guys and I identify with their emotional landscape much more readily, but there's the whole I-freak-them-out-because-of-my-Aspie-ways thing that is thrown into the equation and that makes it difficult.

I don't see myself being physically intimate with someone my own age (which of course is always progressing) ever again. I only am attracted to younger women, early 20s, and that will never change. I just want to have fun and most women my age are thinking about starting a family and it comes off. I see myself as the silly old man with Playboy bunnies on his arm.

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From what my mom says,
it's because I'm extremely blunt, opinionated, and not interested in "feminine" things.

Whereas in a male, it'd be interpreted as being cocky, with other women it means I'm a b*tch.

Men don't seem to be like that, though- they appreciate that I can communicate using their conversational styles and mannerisms.
It's much easier for both of us.

Right. I find that a very large portion of the average Western female's interest time, and money is concerned with looking good, which seems to currently be defined as the opposite of however they ACTUALLY look. Sells more products. And I don't buy into any of that. I'm also not fond of hierarchies, including social ones. I'd never be able to navigate the intricacies of female friendships and groups, and what's more, I simply can't conceptualize such a peer group whose main interests are psychology, philosophy, and politics.

I think the ancient Greeks are evidence that the sexual landscape of a society is determined by what is commonly considered acceptable...in contrast with the Bonobos, there are many species where homosexual behaviors are virtually absent. I think all that is evident is that traditions and taboos among particularly-social species including ours are incredibly determinative when it comes to individual sexuality - we should really seek to de-stigmatize all but those behaviors which harm. I don't view males as primarily potential sex partners, and even though that's due to being asexual, I really do think that sexualizing women is a huge component of current constructions of masculinity, disproportionately than sexualizing men is, for women.

There's a sociologist whom I like who discusses how such a huge part of being a MAN (cue chest-beating) is currently-defined as NOT being a woman or like a woman, and since sexualization of women is so important as well, masculinity and homosexuality are viewed in the same light- incompatible.

How lovely, to find someone who doesn't misquote Dworkin.

Based on my oh-so-objective experiences on the oh-so-representative WP,
I would assert the opposite- that Aspie males disproportionately cling very strongly to the models of masculinity presented them compared to their NT peers, especially models of shallowness and sex-obsession, often engaging in misogyny and declaring "Men want X, do X, and like X" and "Women want Y, do Y, and like Y". Whether these conceptions have any basis in reality (some do, many don't) is secondary to their being a dichotomous and often as a result dehumanizing view of women versus, them, men.

Of course, many, if not most of the males here are perfectly capable of relating to women empathetically, and as peers,
but...
statements which in some of my other forums are so outrageously, bitterly sexist they'd get a person IP-banned for life make up the majority of some of the threads here.

I think there very well may be some truth to the idea that some sensitive, non-"macho" Aspie males, by virtue of their difficulty fitting in with NT masculine culture, are forced to reject those norms wholesale and adopt different ways of relating with women, arguably healthier and more respectful ways. But there are nevertheless others who dogmatically take up casual NT gender dynamics as a sort of fascist creed, including some of the unhealthy dynamics.