No Clue Where to Go From Here...

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Previously, I had posted a thread about problems I had with my friends during senior week (How to Be Less Annoying in the Social Skills and Making Friends Forum). In retrospect, I think I made the wrong decision on how to deal with this. I left my friend a voicemail, very friendly, asking her how her college orientation was, not mentioning anything about the awful vacation. She sent me an email today, which brought back my feelings from senior week--hopeless and incompetent and like I was the biggest a**hole in the world. I have included it below, but I really don't know how react. I want to make amends, because we've had too many amazing memories to let this friendship slip. But this email is thinking maybe I was just an idiot. To her credit, my friend doesn't know about my spectrum condition, nor does she know my parents were getting separated at the time of this trip, which made it harder for me to compensate than usual. I want to be the bigger person by apologizing, and telling my friend I am willing to start again, whenever--and if--she is. But I also think my friend was being insensitive by leaving me when I needed her the most, and maybe, if she didn't care enough to talk it out with me, rather than blindly bidding me goodbye, I should let this relationship go. I don't, however, feel like ending my high school career on this awful, awful note, and being on bad terms with these people for the rest of my life. Please advise me on what to do because I am at a complete loss. I am starting college in a month, and this email really made me question if I was cut out for dealing with all the people.


Dear {Real Name},


I regret that I've had to send this email, but it's necessary. I've been shocked, these past few weeks. Shocked, because you have been happy, friendly--just like you always have.

But things have changed. Things are most definitely not like they used to be. I'm sure you've realized how angry (Girl 1), (Girl 2), and I were at the end of senior week; we weren't hiding it. Neither were you. The fact that you've been acting like nothing happened and are treating us the same as you always have makes us all speechless.


In the {Vacation Destination} you were obnoxious, rude, unreasonable, childish, crazy, violent, and unbearable. You threw that tantrum on the floor, you bodyslammed the door ( note the one which my friends barricaded to keep me out which I referred to in the previous post), screamed and annoyed us all to death--and no, {Real Name}, no amount of time at home is going to make us all magically love you again.


That's why I was so shocked--I was shocked you were even contacting us in the first place. After all that screaming, yelling and violence, WHY are you acting like nothing happened? Do you not remember? Did you not REALIZE your behavior was what it was?


I don't say these things to be mean. I still like you. You're a lovely person with a great mind, someone friendly. You'll go very far, and you'll succeed in college (if you don't lose it like you did at the lake and drive your roommates to insanity like you did us). I say it so you know. You need to know. We told you over and over and over again up at {Vacation Destination}, and everything we said was in one ear and out the other. So, here it is in print: {Real Name}, lovely as you are, you have some serious issues. Senior Week was an absolute nightmare because of you. You need help.

{Real Name}, you need some assistance. We don't say this to be mean, again--but when you said that you "wanted to lie down in that stream and kill myself" we knew it was true. Please, we worry about you. At the very least, talk about your issues with people. A little bit of conversation can go a long way, right? I said "I want to lie down in that stream and kill myself" after my friends barricaded me from their room and told me that I was ruining the trip for them, to provide some context. I do not normally consider myself suicidal, I was just feeling incredibly unworthy at that moment

I don't want to drag this out. Please don't try to contact me again. If you do, I might answer. Perhaps.

Best of luck with everything you do, and I'm sorry this had to happen,


{Friend's name}

The last part tells you everything you need to know. "Please don't try to contact me again. If you do, I might answer. Perhaps." Basically that's code for "If you write me again, please acknowledge that you understand what happened, how bad it was to be around you, that you know why we are so upset that we wrote a letter like this, and for the love of crap, don't think that just because you are writing all of this, we will magically get back to the way things were" So if you want them back, write them a letter not to try and be friends with them again, but simply to acknowledge the letter and that you are very sorry for the way it went down. I've been in this type of situation so many times that I'm somewhat of an expert. I don't like being an expert on this type of thing (heh) but been there, done that a buncha times. Bottom line is, don't expect things to go back to the way they were anytime soon. Doesn't mean it's over though (because the letter isn't nasty at all, these people care about you) If you want to PM me, go ahead.

Maybe you should send her a short note letting her know you have an ASD and what that means. Just so she knows. She might view the situation differently.

Also it sounds like she's not (at this point in her life anyway) the patient, stick-with-you-through-anything type. Which I always hope to find in a friend. Hopefully you'll find some friends who are understanding of you and the fact you are sometimes overloaded.

This email seems like it was specifically crafted to be nasty while appearing nice. Girls do that sometimes. I would just drop it. She may end up contacting you in the future, but for now I would just forget about it and move on. There is nothing more you can do.

I would certainly not reveal your ASD to her.

I've received similar emails as the OP did. Except for the first one (which involved a seemingly endless exchange of accusations and counter-acusations with ever-escalating hostility and contempt), I delete them after the first paragraph (or even the first sentence), block the senders or put them on my "Junk Mail" list, and then get on with my life. Who needs friends who hide behind their email accounts, when there are many others who will at least say it to your face?

Then when they "accidentally" run into me later (and they always do), I put on my Aspie face, stare them down, and answer their questions with a shrug. They need no explanation, since they only care about how my behavior affects them, and not why I behave the way that I do.

I once received a similar email. They basically cut me off. After initial anger, shock and confusion - I was glad I received it. It gave me the push I needed to seek help for my problems. At the time I wasn't diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, but I was very depressed and this is what I got help for. They saw the effort I was making, understood the explanation and were pleased that I was trying.

The person who sent it is someone I really admire now, and probably the only person I know is a real friend (apart from my husband). Since my ASD has been in the picture, this person has been very understanding and has said that they are pleased I now I understand some of my reactions and behaviours, and that it is helpful for them to also understand it.

Honestly - if I was you:

- I wouldn't apologise for my behaviour specifically as you couldn't control that, but I would apologise that my behaviour ruined their senior week and for any worry you caused them (because it seems you are genuinely sorry for this).

- I would then give them an explanation for my behaviour (spectrum condition, parents splitting up) - though I wouldn't rehash in detail what happened (I've found that never does any good, though sometimes I can't stop myself!).

- Say that you are "willing to start again, whenever--and if--she is"

- Do it without expectation of a response, but because it's what you feel you need to do - like you said you don't want want to end your high school career on this awful note so it's worth trying something.