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"You have to initiate"

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gailryder17
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10 Jul 2011, 6:16 pm

My mom once always told me that if I want to make friends, I have to initiate. If I want to maintain a friendship, I have to initiate. I remember when she told me this, it sounded like it was solely my responsibility. Fast forward to today. It's been three weeks since I saw one of my close friends (who I also have a crush on). Last weekend was the last time I talked to her. Now I am thinking about how my mom's advice applies here. I start wondering "why is it solely my responsibility? doesn't she play a part in this as well?" and am becoming paranoid that she isn't invested in this friendship as I am. With this thought in mind, I am wondering if I should bother keep this up (she's moving back to NY by the end of the month). Any thoughts or advice?


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Radiofixr
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10 Jul 2011, 6:27 pm

I do try and initiate but no matter how I try-no one seems to accept or reciprocate and no one seems to want to be friends-I keep trying and never seem to get anywhere-why do I always have to be first-why not another person asking me-I guess I am undesirable and not worth getting to know-I am the person that has no friends so everybody else can have friends.


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gailryder17
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10 Jul 2011, 6:33 pm

Radiofixr wrote:
I do try and initiate but no matter how I try-no one seems to accept or reciprocate and no one seems to want to be friends-I keep trying and never seem to get anywhere-why do I always have to be first-why not another person asking me-I guess I am undesirable and not worth getting to know-I am the person that has no friends so everybody else can have friends.


You sound like you're in a worse scenario than I am. I have a feeling that I'm not going to have many friends in High School.


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Logan5
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10 Jul 2011, 7:28 pm

FWIW, some advice from a non-autistic:

"How to Keep in Touch With Friends"
http://getitdone.quickanddirtytips.com/ ... iends.aspx

(Disclaimer: I do not do any of those things, but I don't have any friends. C'est la vie.)



Chronos
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10 Jul 2011, 11:09 pm

gailryder17 wrote:
My mom once always told me that if I want to make friends, I have to initiate. If I want to maintain a friendship, I have to initiate. I remember when she told me this, it sounded like it was solely my responsibility. Fast forward to today. It's been three weeks since I saw one of my close friends (who I also have a crush on). Last weekend was the last time I talked to her. Now I am thinking about how my mom's advice applies here. I start wondering "why is it solely my responsibility? doesn't she play a part in this as well?" and am becoming paranoid that she isn't invested in this friendship as I am. With this thought in mind, I am wondering if I should bother keep this up (she's moving back to NY by the end of the month). Any thoughts or advice?


If the friend is really a close friend then you are correct that it shouldn't always be your responsibility to initiate and maintain the relationship but you may be in a relationship with a person who doesn't know that they have a responsibility to initiate (which many with AS do not know to do).

You can give her a call and politely comment that you haven't heard from her in a while and she should keep in touch more.



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11 Jul 2011, 1:27 am

Sometimes I think that my lack of initiation is my biggest social failure. Then I realize that there's much more to it than that. :wink:


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LadySera
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11 Jul 2011, 3:59 am

I think that keeping in touch with friends is difficult for anyone (including NTs) just because everyone is focused on what's happening with them, their schedules, etc.



Wuffles
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11 Jul 2011, 1:56 pm

I have to shoot down a lot. Not really interested in 'initiating', it's hard enough to get rid of them.



BabyYoshi
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12 Jul 2011, 1:16 am

I have this problem with girls and getting a gf and stuff. I also have the problem with making friends. If you're not good at it just give up, that's what I did, and I'm not in the hospital anymore getting shot up with haldol and having a dystonic reaction that's almost killing me.



myowngeeksqwad
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16 Jul 2011, 7:20 pm

LadySera wrote:
I think that keeping in touch with friends is difficult for anyone (including NTs) just because everyone is focused on what's happening with them, their schedules, etc.



I find this true along with making friends. People already have friends and a life. It is hard to find a niche in it. My therapist says to try and find a connection that makes you different from the others. Still trying to figure this out.