Friend problem

Post Reply New Topic

I love my best friend and we have great times hanging out, but I've got a problem that's been going on ever since we made friends in the first place. Every time we arrange to meet up, he insists we hang out for hours at a time. It's as if he cannot bear to meet me for less than two and a half hours at a time, and sometimes it drags on to as long as four! Because of my thought processing issues and other AS problems, I take a very long time to do my day-to-day stuff, like self-care and housework etc. and I've been working on this with my OT lately. With therapy I've discovered the beauty of using schedules and lists for pretty much everything, and using them as a reference point, because my thoughts cannot seem to stay in order inside my head (plus I have ADD which makes me forget what I'm doing every few seconds/mins). I've started using lists and schedules more and more and it's already making big improvements in my life. Unfortunately, if I'm meeting my friend one day I have to throw all that out the window.

I cannot limit our meet-up to any set amount of time without him forcing it to last longer. I have tried to talk to him about this a number of times and he won't budge. He always tries to manipulate me and guilt-trip me into doing things his way again, and when I don't, he'll just make it happen anyway when we do meet up.

To explain what I'm saying here, I'll give yesterday's meet-up as an example. I talked to him the night before about how I can't cope with these big long meet-ups, but would better manage shorter ones, e.g. about one hour, and more often. I explained the reasons why, which I've tried to do before. He first pretended to completely misinterpret the message, and acted like I was just postponing the meet-up. I'd said nothing that could possibly suggest that and I persisted to explain that that wouldn't suit, that I was trying to change things so that I could better manage my daily life and not let things pile up on me. He started acting all disappointed and grumpy. Then he had the nerve to say "But like, if I'm getting in the way of stuff, then I'll just give you space, all you've to do is ask." This is an outright lie, because every single time I try to say goodbye and go about my business he clings to me and doesn't let me go, keeps talking so that I don't get to complete my sentences, and if I do manage to bid farewell and go, he quizzes me about what precisely I need to go and do, as though letting me out on parole or something! But anyway, I responded with "Sure, that's what I'm doing now", to which he responded "I guess.  Maybe you need a while to get on top of things?" again trying to make me postpone our meet-up til later instead of changing the amount of time we'd hang out. I explained, for the third time, that I was trying to avoid letting things pile up on me, so just moving an unmanageably long meet-up to another day wasn't going to help. So he finally realised that he wasn't tricking me. But his bag of manipulative tricks wasn't empty yet. He responded to that with "Hmmm. I might kinda wait 'til next week anyway if you don't mind, I'm feeling very crappy atm." Conveniently, he had become depressed at that moment. "I hate myself, the world, I hate everyone and everything. :'(" I acted sympathetic, even though I knew it was a load of bull. He pulls this trick out so often. Then he goes on to explain how he's so lonely, bla bla bla. I continued to respond sympathetically, but I didn't change my mind about shortening meet-ups. He realised after five minutes of this that it's not making a difference, and suddenly his mood is back to normal. About half an hour later he says "Hey, do you want to meet tomorrow? Might make me feel better." after he'd already canceled meeting up! I said yes and tried to suggest meeting in town, which is what we usually do, but (and this bit makes me particularly angry) he insisted on meeting at my place because it'd be better for me, apparently. I knew damn well he was coming here to make it impossible for me to get away from him when I needed to. But I kinda got stuck with that arrangement. Sure enough, when he came over yesterday, we had a great time for an hour and then I told him I needed to get going on my other stuff for the day and even explained all the stuff I'd had planned, but he just stayed put. He stayed on my laptop playing games, then he wouldn't stop talking and when I just stood there waiting for him to leave, he just talked across the silence so that he could stay here. HE STAYED FOR A SOLID HOUR MORE after I first said I needed to go do my stuff. I stood up for an hour waiting for him to get out, during which time I reminded him twice that I needed to get on with my business.

What do I do with this guy? We get on so well when we hang out, but he seems to HAVE to stick to me for long periods of time, as though we didn't meet up twice/three times a week as it is and spend lots of time talking on msn and by text every day too! I have brought up this problem with him before and the first time, he exploded and swore at me and everything and then went to ridiculous lengths on the self-pity thing including leaving me a note about how he'd been thinking so much about death and suicide lately etc. All that over just trying to change the amount of time we meet up?? I don't want to lose our friendship but I feel very disrespected by him when it comes to this. Another time I brought this up, he urged me to tell him what exactly I needed to do that made me want to get back home earlier than he wanted. That time, I just marched home in spite of his attempts to cling to me, but he made so many smart-*ss remarks that time that it was really hurtful. I just don't know how to solve this. I can't help the fact that I have AS and that I need to be careful that I don't get a sensory overload, become badly disorganised, or try to rush things when I really can't. I am working hard on my occupational therapy and schedules and routines are working extremely well for me, but I cannot use them when my friend wants to hang out because I end up surrendering a huge and unpredictable chunk of my day to him. Any tips on this??

Well for one thing, you dont have to go along with all the social back and forth chit chat when leaving. if i feel like leaving i just get up say that im leaving and i walk out the door. If you want to go then just go even if others dont want to close the meeting by withholding their side of the closing ritual. They are being disrespectful to you by not respecting your wishes to leave, then why are you being so respectul to him by wanting to close the meeting in such a decent way.

For me i dont think i would have put up with this person (i can have pretty harsh criteria of what i think is worth dealing with and what is not just because the alternative of spending time alone is not scary to me).

What it comes down to is that most interaction between people and even friends is very interchangable. So the good times you have with your friend are not that special, you can have good times with millions of people. I have to assume that your friend does show this irrational and manipulative behaviour more then just in the moment where you want to leave.

I think people tend to cling onto friends and relationships because there are no immediate alternatives available so it can be scary to think about making new friends etc.

Just ask yourself if you are putting up with his behaviour because hes such a special person that the interaction you have makes up for it. Or are you putting up with him because you are scared of the alternative.

I have got to the point of dreading hanging out with him, not because we don't have a great time, but because of this clinging and failure to respect that I need my space, even though he pretends to acknowledge it. I love how we get along and he has been there for me in tough times. But I'm starting to get confused as to whether to believe him any more if he says he's depressed, because most of the time he says it is when I've had to cancel on him or when I try to set boundaries.

He's a bit socially awkward, but there's no excuse after I've said three times that I need to go. I also shouldn't have to tell him precisely why, as though to get his permission or something. I cancel on him because if even one thing comes up that day, I won't get it done on time, and besides, he'd get grumpy anyway over having to cut short our time together.

I guess if I summarise what I'm saying, I feel like we have a lot of good fun together and we've been there for each other in bad times, but he will not cooperate with me on this issue and it's taking over for me. He probably doesn't care enough because it's not a problem for him; he has never lived alone, he's in his mid-20s and still living with his parents and younger brother, he doesn't have to think about things like money, shopping, housework, bills etc. but even though I remind him of these responsibilities I have, plus the trouble autism causes in managing them, he seems to forget, conveniently enough for him.

So I guess I don't want to just break it off with the guy, but this problem is having a negative effect on my life and he's not willing to help me fix it...

Forgot to mention - he texted me three times this morning, one happy text, one self-pity text, then another happy text. First one came at 7.50, the next at 9.08 and the third at 10.38. I avoided replying cos I'm still annoyed and didn't want a stupid crazy text fight, and I also didn't want to tempt him into meeting up again today or tomorrow, which is probably what he was aiming for in the first place.

Hi Niamh. He seems to be a selfish person in some ways, based on what you've said. When depressed some people can become clingy but that usually comes from having very few people in their lives.

About the issue that he's causing, I'd probably just say: "This is what I can give you of myself at this time, please respect that after an hour I don't feel enjoyment in anyone's company. I don't want to have to stop seeing you all together as you are a great friend but this lack of respect has got to stop.".

Although, I have very little patience for people acting with a lack of respect towards me and this is probably a factor in my having very few friends.

That sounds like a good way to put it, thanks. I do want to tell him before I next meet him, though, that I'm unhappy with how yesterday went.

I'm a bit worried about that myself, regarding setting boundaries... I don't really know if I'm being unreasonable setting it to an hour a day. I want to be able to say something concrete like that - yet I guess it hasn't worked before, so it's not gonna work now, lol... I'll definitely try to end our next meet-up with what you suggested anyway, or something similar, and I guess if he is going to explode in my face then so be it...

Hello Niamh. Please know that you do not need to pay attention to this person's threats of suicide, nor do you need someone in your life who explodes at you. On the other hand, if you want to stay friends, do you ever have a day that you have nothing to do, that you could spend the day with him on an infrequent basis? Don't be afraid to be firm and blunt, let him have a tantrum. Bless you, hope this helps.

You're right, I'm not firm enough with him, and he makes it complicated by being manipulative. He knows he's done wrong, and I know that because he's still overcompensating, now trying to use flattery on me. I just wonder what a reasonable consequence would be? I guess I could say no more meet-ups if he doesn't start to respect my boundaries? I agree also with your suggestion of whole days less frequently, so I'm gonna have a think about that vs. my original idea. I should probably make up my mind fast or I'll be the bad guy for not responding to his messages... though I'll be the bad guy anyway, haha...

You can certainly tell him "no more meetups unless you respect my boundaries". If it doesn't work out with him, you will find other friends, it may be hard to imagine, but you can. You seem like a mature young man with a lot to offer other young people.

Sorry about taking so long to respond, I was away from my computer.

First off, it's not unreasonable to state your boundaries. It would seem to me, based on what you've said, that he'll keep on pushing until he gets what he wants. It would seem that the only way to try to get him behaving is to say that it's that or nothing.

Just because he has been a great friend to you doesn't mean that you have to put up with him not respecting your boundaries. As feliscatus said you seem like a mature young woman with lots to offer and I think you just need to learn how to put your foot down.

Thanks Ya I guess I'll have to just refuse to be won over! I'm still not sure who should talk first at this point, him or me, but I think I'm still trying to cool off after getting upset about it so I'll wait til I feel ready! He probably thinks I'm giving him the silent treatment, but I'm not, I just don't think I'm calm enough about it yet to talk to him again without coming across as upset!

Whoops, I'm sorry Niamh, for calling you a young 'man'.

No offense taken at all, I know lots of people aren't familiar with my name It's Irish, it's not even an Irish version of any other name. It's from a character in an Irish legend, Niamh from Tír no nÓg (Land of Youths), a place where people stay young forever

Ok my friend just texted me again, so I'm sending him an email really spelling out what I'm upset about and being really careful again not to use accusatory language, cos he's too easily offended. But I'm still pointing out what he did that upset me, just cleverly not using the word "you" anywhere If he still takes it badly and doesn't try to cooperate then I guess our friendship is in trouble, after all I'm only asking for a different distribution of our time together, not less time together!!

AGH, in spite of saying I still wanted to be friends he insisted on saying I have to choose whether we're still friends, I said yes three times and he wouldn't accept it, I said no and he wouldn't accept that, he deleted me off Facebook, now he's sent me an email begging to be friends and over-apologising and making loads of promises... All in one evening! What am I supposed to think? Is this just more manipulation and a sign to get the heck outta there, or is it a sign to keep the friendship? I'm not sure I can trust him after messing with my head so much guess I should tell him that and leave it and respond at a later date, what a mess... All because I asked for a different way of hanging out...

OK, based on the fact that he delivered an ultimatum and wouldn't respect my answer, I decided that he doesn't take me seriously enough or our friendship seriously enough for it to continue. He threw the ultimatum out there to mess with my feelings and use it as another manipulative tactic, refusing to take "yes" and then refusing to take "no" as an answer, and finally begging me to forget it all and start over. I guess I just don't want friends who can't talk about issues that may involve him/her to change something, and I don't want the drama of that person going crazy at me for just trying to stick with that change. Thanks for your encouragement, I feel good about how I handled it and am looking forward to making more of my other friendships I've neglected other relationships because I felt so under pressure from this one friend, and I didn't even realise that until now!

Good for you, Niamh! Bless you