Knowing social skills, but have trouble applying them?

Post Reply New Topic

As the topic's title says.
Anyone here feel that they can explain how to behave in social situations but have difficulty when it comes down to actually applying that knowledge?

Yes, to an extent I could say that about myself.

It feels like over the years I've built up such a knowledge of social skills, traits, techniques, etc... That sometimes I feel like I know them better than those skilled in them.

In some instances I can use them quite well, but I feel that I still have to analyse each time I look into someones eyes, each expression I use, the actual tone of my voice etc. This leaves me feeling like a kind of professor studying human relationships, because no matter how much I learn it can still be confusing with people that use less words to speak.

One on one isn't too bad because I have the time to work out each part, but in groups I'm trying to work out each person and it becomes very difficult.

However, the more time that goes by the easier it seems to get, I still can't handle socialising more than a few hours, but I used to be unable to do it at all!

I guess thats why I have a fondness for the internet, its so easy to get across my feelings, thoughts etc and understand them in turn without having to pull things apart.

I feel like that when it comes to the tone of my voice and working out the tone of others, because when I read a book or article about it or someone demonstrates for me, it is there in black and white, but in a social situation, it isn’t, it’s the colour grey and so no matter how many books I read that think they can ‘teach’ people body language etc it doesn’t work when applied to the situation I’m in. Especially when body language can be used honest and openly, or to deceive / sarcasm, I can’t tell which it is in most cases apart from guess and then there is a fifty / fifty chance of getting it right or wrong.

I have bigger problems trying to control the way I sound, as the only way I notice if I do something wrong is if the person on the receiving end tells me so, mostly they go off and I don’t realise they’re in a huff because what I said sounded bitchy or hollow…

Un- learning all the crap that was put on me by self and others is usually the first and most obvious obstacle I run into. Then there is the hurdle of people mistaking my "different " qualities as a lack of intellegence, by the time they finally figure that out they are feeling threatened which is something I have learned I have to TRY to be understanding of, then I have to be PATIENT and wait to see if they will consider me an enemy or an allie ( which always seems to take FOREVER. then once the dust FINALLY settles , then and only then usually can I start to follow the NT rules of engagment and make any real progress. I will say though that despite how much I hate the process, never mind how much it makes my head hurt, when I finally get to the last stage and the people I am dealing with prove to be trulely good people I am more appriciative of that relationship and I think they may appriciate me more, especcially my more "unique" qualities. ...............
It just takes sooooooooooooo much energy out of me, and the proccess can often take months or longer to work through. I am learning ( the hard way of course) some "short cuts that seem to be very effective, much faster but I do not have a solid enough thought structure to put them to words yet. No matter what though the bottom line is that my thinking , Aspie type thought proccesses and NT's are just very different worlds. I suppose at some point we have only the choice to be happy in who and where we are at any given point and in so doing make a FAIR effort to meet others half way. The trick being establishing what half way is to and for yourself. just my thoughts.

I have knowledge of social skills, and whenever I imagine being in a social situation, I'm fine. However, I have a hard time applying them to real situations.

(can somebody put that avatar in the hot wash? It might shrink a bit)
edit: thank you

"Knowing social skills, but have trouble applying them?"

Almost. I know social skills, but unless it's really necessary, I find myself less and less inclined to move in the circles where they are necessary.

It doesn't become effortless with familiarity,
and the effort so rarely seems to achieve a worthwhile return.

There are certain exceptions, I admit, the workplace being the main one.

I feel like I have been "studying" people my whole life to try and understand how they work.I have used TV and mostly characters from books and movies.My parents have drilled social rules into me.Yet I still get it wrong.I actually can do some small talk,especially with complete strangers,like shop keepers.At work,it is more complicated because there are times when I feel 'compelled" to speak up as an advocate for the residents and my co-workers and boss seem to resent that.(I am rooting for the wrong team?)I also know that I should return phone calls but have to be in the right "mood" to do so,and this can take weeks.

Unfortunately, I'm pretty much *only* good at small talk. Well, small talk and answering questions, but those are the only two conversational techniques I can say I've really mastered.

Yeah, I've got that problem, too.

I was almost overwhelmed just now reading through this thread. To see so many other people stating the exact same things I have delt with my whole life.. It feels good to know that I am not alone. Thankyou to all of you.

As to the topic at hand, ding ding ding, thats me to a T. All my life, even in my earlyest memories of elementry school I remember thinking of my self as some kind of unhuman, here to abserve the normals and study their behavior, but curse to never truely be one of them. And I must admit that 20 sum years later that fundemtal view has changed very little.

As others have mentioned, I'm also great at small talk and when being asked questions or discussing a topic I have lots of knowledge on, but beyound that I'm at a loss. If you analyze my friends throughout time, they would fall into two caragories. One is those friends that are content to just hang out together in silence doing whatever (the true test of a relationship is if it can withstand extended silence), I have friends that I won't see for months and when I do we will BS for a few mintues and then just sit there together for hours, rarly saying a word. These are the best friends an asper can have and if you find one hold on to them for dear life.

The other catagory would be the talkers. Everyone knows the kind of people I'm talking about, they couldn't stop talking to save their life, evey minute of their waking day is filled with one spoken thought after another. I would almost call myself an expert on people, but I must say these type of people simply bewilder and amaze me.. the mear idea of expressing every thought that popped into my head to anyone that happen to be standing nearby.. I just don't get it... That is not to say I dislike these kind of people. Exactly the opposite, I am drawn to them. It is the easyest type of social interaction, they talk and all I have to do is doll out cocky cutter lines, "No way.", "Really.", "And then what?", "Your kidding.", ect. and on occationally rearange and parrot back a few words they just said.


Through many years of practice and study I have mastered the skills of interacting with society. If I need to go somplace for a job interview they can't tell I'm anything but a normal person and I've never had problems dealing with those people in my life that are intellectually know quatities.

But my problem, my biggest hurtle, is interactions with people I don't know. New people just trip me out, my brain goes into a state like fight-or-flight, I can only react in the most automatic and rehersed ways. I have overcome the major debilitating aspects of this, enough to do what has to be done, but to instigate an unneccessary interaction with a stranger.. no way... All I know about people and the shear idea of interducing myself to a stranger to make a friend or asking a strange girl out on a date.. I can feel my heart beating faster just thinking about it.

But all we can do is keep trying. The bottom line is that while we may lack that natural ability to connect with others on emotional levels, we have the advantage of being more in touch with our intelligences and can use our brains and willpower to learn any skill the gods saw fit not to give us.

My social skills are sufficent, but i've often felt i'd be happier without a tongue; i stammar and forget words a lot

That is exactly my problem... I know the rules, but I don't feel them instinctively, i have to think of how to do every step of social interaction, it doesn't come naturally. So I do twice the work as NTs for a tenth of the result, since it always comes out wooden and forced, which defeats the whole purpose of the thing.

Yes Indeed I have that problem, there are tons of books on social interaction, however it is almost impossible to use that knowledge you learn't in those books to practical purposes.