How do I cope with NTs insisting on superficial conversation

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For someone who is considered by most of my close friends to have Aspergers (I'm not officially diagnosed) I also consider myself pretty high functioning in terms of my social skills. However...

I do get very frustrated by (most) NTs only being interested in 'light' conversations. When bringing up topics of interest, even those they profess to be interested in themselves, most NTs I meet will generally only want either:

a) agreement on their own opinions about something or
b) validation of their emotional reactions to something. [Note validation is not necessarily agreement.]

Only very rarely will they want to actually discuss the subject in depth and challenge and analyse their own viewpoints.

NTs just don't seems to want to casually discuss the in-depth details and ramifications of any subject. It's ££$%£% frustrating!

For instance when an NT person recently asked me about the recent riots in London and,

"Didn't I think it was bad the way people just turned to criminality rather than the original protesting that it started off with?"

I responded with something like, "Yes it's not good at all. It seems indicative of a deep malaise in British society that I think is caused by a large amount of social inequality of purchasing power (as indicated by what the people looted and vandalised). This is exacerbated by the insistence of the media on materialist consumption, Karl Marx stated that capitalism ends up this way in the Communist Manifesto (despite his solution, communism, not working well). I actually read a study a few weeks ago about how when housing is more heterogeneous regarding the wealth differences of the inhabitants it causes less jealously and higher overall productivity and happiness amongst the people who live there. Do you think the government should factor this in to the next social housing projects they try to instigate?"

The NT person responded, "I don't really know about that, I haven't though about it. Why do you have to go into so much detail anyway, can we just drop the conversation please?"

What I think they were expecting me to say in response to their first question was something along the lines of, "Yeh, you're so right. It's not good..."

I don't really get why NTs bring up a point of conversation but don't actually want to discuss anything. It's... purposeless...

Does anyone here either have any similar experiences or even better, ideas for coping with this intense annoyance. Quite often it seems to me that the majority of NTs are just very, very shallow people, and like it that way!

Not a clue, been going over that same issue in my mind lately.

I get burned out by superficiality a lot of the time.

Sometimes its cool, sometimes I even take a part of it. Most of the time exhausting.. to the point that I wonder if we're programmed to respond to it that way.

I mean the rational solution is to go with it in the way an adult goes along with an infants playfulness. But its SO hard to do, the non-conformist ideas of absolutely prohibiting any "fake" behavior are way too strong for whatever reason.

Just go along with it and join their conversation. There's no point in trying to be above small talk and being all "oh thse silly NTs har har har." If you want to get anywhere in life you need to at least play along.

I think there comes a point in politics and how you should change something becomes pointless. I only care if its going to affect the way I'm living and the US rarely has anything like that happen been 40 years since a big riot I think. But I will probably change my mind on that in like 5 or 10 years maybe idk haven't put much thought into it.

I've had this happen with my boyfriend and I, but of course I'm the NT in the scenario instead. He loves debating with me but the problem is that I can rarely separate emotion from discussion topics. It's hard for me to deeply discuss something I don't have strong feelings about, but when I do have strong feelings about something, it's also hard to debate it because when someone disagrees, it sometimes feels like I'm being attacked. It's something that really frustrates my boyfriend, and understandably so. I like discussing things too, but when we debate, it feels like he's arguing with me, which makes me frightened that he's mad at me. (I am trying to get over this because of how much he absolutely adores deep discussions. The issue is that we do this mostly over the internet and when I can't read his tone, I interpret the arguments as him actually being upset at me, and not at the issues.)

So that's why I don't get into deep discussions very often - it can be downright distressing for me to do so. But it's also distressing when someone gives me more points than I can respond to. I can't prepare a coherent argument and respond to every point presented if, for example, someone gives me a response like yours in the above quote. I don't know the person you were talking to obviously, but my interpretation is that they wanted more of a back and forth - for them to say a sentence or ask a question, then for you to say a sentence or two in response. I feel that most NTs (including myself) don't want very long responses when they begin things like that. It's not that they don't want a discussion (although this is the case a lot of the time too), it's that they want more of an even discussion. If I'm presented with, say, 5 separate points, I can't respond to all 5. I can only respond to one, ESPECIALLY when it's a verbal discussion (as opposed to written). And when I respond, answering one point, and I get 5 more different points in response, it just gets way out of hand for me and I can't keep up. I don't have a "one-track mind" but I can't focus on more than one thing at a time while debating.

Sometimes, it's also just because it's so unexpected. When someone is making conversation to get to know someone better, it's unusual for the person to, in response, answer like how you did. People don't normally talk about "deep" topics when they don't know one another very well. I don't know how well you knew the NT in question, but if you were just casual friends or classmates, it's possible s/he doesn't want to give an opinion out of a lack of trust (or a fear of angering you). It's also highly likely s/he did not honestly know what to say in response to your answer. It's possible to have an opinion about the riots, but not about Marxism or the housing situation or anything deeper than what is commonly talked about in the news.

^sorry if this was disjointed. I'm a bit stressed from other things right now and I can't think straight. I hope what I'm trying to say is understandable.

^^This^^


That sort of empty-headed small talk is just a fact of life. Disability or no disability, you just have to endure it or you'll never survive on this planet. You don't have to enjoy it or understand it but you might as well get used to it, 'cause it ain't goin' away. It will behoove you to learn to engage in it at least to a small degree, as well as learning to recognize when you're launching into a prattling lecture and cut it off before you bore people into disliking you.

I have the same issues - I find human conversation in most instances to be inanely superficial, pointless and often irritating. I also realize that when a personal interest topic comes up I have a natural tendency to commandeer the conversation and enthuse endlessly and in great detail, until out of the corner of my eye, I see the other party's eyes rolling up in their head because what fascinates me is boring them to death. So I try to be more aware of that tendency and keep it in check unless I'm sure the other party shares my obsession. Still, I'm often several minutes into mid-rant before I can stop myself.

Its just being an Aspergian and living among humans. Sorry, you're just going to have to get used to it.

I have that problem, too, sometimes. My family has to tell me when I'm rambling. NTs are not interested in details, like we are. They prefer to "get to the point." This person most likely just wanted your personal thoughts on the subject of the riots in London, not the answer to an essay question. I read that when people with Asperger's ramble on about a subject, it's called "stimming." They can't seem to understand that the person they are talking to is not interested in details. They can't read social cues, like if the person breaks eye contact with them or rolls their eyes or does anything to show that they are no longer listening. I also read that people with Asperger's, especially males, don't know how to make "small talk," because they don't see the point of it. They also don't understand that other people have thoughts and opinions. It's called "mind blindness." Plus, topics like politics and religion are touchy subjects. People disagree about these things all the time. If this person was a complete stranger, don't worry about it, since you'll probably never see them again, anyway.

" They also don't understand that other people have thoughts and opinions. It's called "mind blindness" Princess78
I disagree i know someone else can have their own thoughts, but intill they say what they are I can not tell. They are their own brain and could be thinking about any number of thoughts that have nothing to do with the same place iam looking at them or even the same topic. It is reading the signs what is not being said that does not work well i agree.

You might want to check that reference source again. 'Stimming' (self-stimulating) is defined as a 'repetitive physical body motion', most commonly rocking , swaying or hand flapping, that is done to disperse anxiety. For me its swaying side-to-side like Stevie Wonder, or rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet and it is nonstop when I'm standing. I rock when sitting, unless engaged in a focused task. If I'm distracted by doing something, it pretty much stops, at least while the hands are busy.

Often confused with 'fidgeting', which can include hair twisting, nail biting, nose picking or any number of other habitual actions not directly associated with autism.

Sometimes confused with 'tremors', like those associated with Parkinson's disease or St Vitus' Dance, but tremors are uncontrollable, jerky motions, whereas a stim is smooth and repetitive and can be controlled, in that the stimmer can stop if they have to - though the motion will return after a short while, without the stimmer necessarily even being aware of it. Being forced to stop makes my anxiety level rocket off the scale in a matter of seconds. People at work used to say "Can't you stop that? You're making me seasick, what are you, autistic?"

Duh, yeah. Lil' bit.

There may be a specific technical term for Aspergian obsessive interest ramblings, but if there is, I don't think I've run across it. Although I believe I just engaged in one.