Birthday advice needed

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Now, don't know whether this is an AS thing, or a general thing, or that I just feel more strongly about it BECAUSE of the AS....but I *really* don't like my birthday.
For about 6 weeks beforehand (or sometimes longer) I feel intensely anxious, knots in my stomach, the works. It's odd because when I was a kid I LOVED my birthday, I used to start planning my party up to 6-7months in advance, down to the finest details.
I think my feelings started to change when I was about 13-14 (around the time I was diagnosed with depression).
I feel birthdays are a LOT of pressure - first you have to organise something, then you have to think of people to invite, then invite them. Then you are risking rejection plus having to deal with "invitation politics". On top of this you have to worry about what to wear and what you look like and whether the people you have invited will actually turn up or not. Not organising an event is not an option as no-one will believe that there was no gathering and will accuse you of being horrible and exclusive and not wanting them there (as is what happened to me one year).
My boyfriend and I share our birthday (both born on same date, but not same year); I am not sure if this alleviates or heightens my anxiety. I swing between being freaked about being the centre of attention and dreading that no-one will turn up and that I will be publicly proven as a sad loner with no friends that nobody likes or wants to celebrate with. Last year was especially traumatic (won't go into details but in involved someone close to me being carted off to hospital in the middle of the evening, in the midst of loads and LOADS of drama and scary s**t). The birthday is at the end of this week and I worry that my negative feelings about my birthday will spoil the occasion for my boyfriend.
HELP!

I never have birthday parties. Don't like them.

Usually my family might want to go to dinner or something but that's about it. Dreading my 21st though. I have no idea what kind of stupid s**t they'll pull. I'm the oldest so there's no precedent

The worst part for me is having to talk to relatives that show up just for the occasion. People I never ever speak to... it's just weird and I don't appreciate it.

I don't dread it as much as you do though. Mild anxiety on the day at worst usually.

Did you do something to land someone in hospital or was it just an accident? Why are you worried about something like that happening again?

LOL No I didn't do anything to land the person in hospital, the situation was entirely of their own creation and they deserved every bit of it. They have sadly not learned from the experience.
I am worried about something happening again because (against my better judgement) I was coerced into inviting this person this year. They have been warned that we expect a certain standard of behaviour from them. If they don't make the most of this opportunity to make amends and behave decently then I will no longer have anything whatsoever to do with them.
When oh when will I stop trying "to do the right thing" against my better judgement.
I am also worried because things that are bad always happen on my birthday or at the celebration. I just have no luck.
Last year everyone told me to "relax" and "enjoy your celebrations". I listened to these people and did so and have regretted it ever since because I wasn't on my guard to deal with the emergency situation that arose. I am still angry that I had to deal with a situation at all on my f*****g birthday.

Lol I have to say that I haven't experienced anything like that. I never have to worry that someone's going to do something stupid and injure themselves at any gathering I go to.

My advise is to simply relax and let whatever happens happen. Don't take it personally if somebody else messes up. Be prepared that something may go wrong at some point, but put it at the back of your mind. Then again if people are constantly engaging in reckless behaviour it's hard to just ignore it... I don't know it sounds like a strange situation to me. Could you perhaps ask them to leave if they're getting out of hand? Maybe you could ask whoever coerced you to keep an eye on them on your behalf.

Considering your above statement, I'm not sure if your advice is coming from the most informed position.
However, I really appreciate your taking the time to post and wish you all the best in all your endeavours and hope you continue to enjoy WrongPlanet! Peace! )

^

Haha yeah, you're probably right. I'm supremely under-qualified for giving advice. I just thought I'd throw some ideas out there and see if you liked the sound of them. Anyway, happy birthday. Hope you manage to have a decent time this year Good luck.

I am quite similar even down to the depression. I can share but not really good for any advice.
I didn't celebrate my 30th properly and this was worse as a big number. I wanted something big but thought even if people turned up it would be really flat and awkward and worse than not doing anything. The year before everyone just sat at the edges of my living room and I felt really awkward and they played vintage video games with my husband and I'd never even heard of this game and felt left out. For my 30th no-one arranged anything for me. I went to work, went to my usual class at the gym, cried for ages then went out for a meal with my now husband which I didn't enjoy and there was a mix up and he booked a table really late as they thought we wanted a special part of the restaurant and we just sat in the main part as I wasn't feeling confident enough to sit with the chef and we could have done that hours earlier.
I was quite mean at my husband's 30th a few years ago as at one point I tried to slink off and hide as it was a house party and got brought back.

Maybe you will feel better sharing? have you told your boyfriend how you feel?
Maybe planning something you enjoy or with a few select people rather than overdoing it and going past your comfort zone. I once had a great birhday taking the day off work, going horseriding on my own and going for a meal with my then boyfriend. My Aspergers employment person suggested a simple meal out for my hen do to avoid stress, but I had to have something bigger that didn't really work out.

^

Mishmash said it was at the end of this week... times up. Can't reschedule, just have to endure it.

This weekend is my birthday and I could give a s**t but in a perfect world I'd like to do something fun.

Perfect world style my buddy called up my girlfriend and they decided we were all going camping this weekend, all I had to do was pick the place.

So I chose the first place that came to mind and apparently we are going to roll out first thing saturday to a lake an hour away and go fishing and slam beers all day, then by night do some mini barbecues and sit around a fire pit until we drop.

If there is a tent that's awesome but I will sleep flat on the ground if need be. I can not imagine anything better.