Not making, but rather, keeping friends

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I've read a lot of posts here where the poster talks about being able to put on a good show of being normal. I can do this too, and apparently pretty well. When I put on my act I'm generally likeable, and have an easy time getting people to think of me in a friendly way.

The only problem is, it's exhausting. I can't keep it up for more than a couple hours at a time. So, as I start spending longer stretches of time around people and interacting on a less superficial level, my aspieness starts showing more and more. When this happens the person invariably rejects me as a friend. It's gotten bad enough that my social circle is down to one person.

Recently, some of the people I work with have started inviting me to do stuff with them outside of work. I've been coming up with excuses because I want to keep things where they are. That is to say; I want them to keep liking me. Which leaves me in a bit of a catch-22.

If I start spending more time with them, they'll see how strange I really am and stop talking to me. And if I keep turning down their offers, they'll see me as unfriendly and stop talking to me.

So, my question for those who've managed to maintain long-term friendships is "How?"

My daughter is AS and so far hasn't been very successful at managing friendships once she starts them. She's always excited at the beginning of a new school year to make new friends, but by the end of the year, she's generally down to just one or two. Her behavior/strangeness...always gets her into trouble.

However I think she's just beginning to be more open with others about her difficulties. She's now very open about having AS...and I think the more you can let people know up front, the less chance of them being blindsighted by your quirkiness. When you can be up front about it, you give others a chance to really get to know you....they can ask questions and you can be "real" rather than inventing a mask to wear and then becoming exhausted by wearing the mask.

Good luck.

Bethanie

I wonder if it might be helpful to kind of give a joking response when you are invited out by your work friends -- when they say they want to go out after work, and you should come, say "I don't know, I'm kind of weird after work...." If it were me, I would respond with "Great! I love weird!" Then, if you've let them know ahead of time that there might be differences in your behavior when you first meet people and when you have spent time with people, then they can adjust as well.

You just never know when you're going to go out with people and click with one individual who is either on the same playing field as you, or willing to tolerate your differences because they have differences of their own -- just in other areas.

Also, I've been reading about guys who meet a girl, fall in love, and then the girl helps them figure out the social world. Granted, this doesn't happen a lot, but boy, when it does, that's got to be a great thing.

I feel the longer I spend with people the more they will think I am weird e.g. I worry being able to speak to them for more than a short time as only have so much to talk about, then worry if I am outstaying my welcome. I have just got some sessions with an Aspergers centre who are going to give me some support with my low mood. She was suggesting I disclose to some extent and ask people to be clear as I can't always tell things. We've not really gone into it yet though.

The people that have stayed in my life tend to be slightly unconventional. One has Turners syndrome and is anorexic, another is very blunt and overweight and has an open house policy, my husband seems abnormally patient and not bothered by my neuroses or feeling pressured to be normal/agree with people. They are all nice very kind people. I also know a lot of folky people who rebel against the mainstream and are very kind accepting people like a big family.

I think I'm saying you might have to dig a bit deeper to find people who will see past the Aspergers.

I find alcohol helps with workmates as I talk more after a little alcohol

I'm only comfortable socializing with other quirky oddballs who share at least one of my personal interests. Otherwise, I either offend them by saying something too blunt for their neurotypical sensitivities, or we run out of things to talk about and it just becomes awkward.

This has been my life over the last six years or so. Or, at least she's been trying to help. I'm a slow learner. But you're right, it is a great thing. The most amazing wonderful thing that's ever happened to me.

Seems like the thing to do is just admit my oddness. Hmmm. That scares me. But I'll try.

i find keeping more important then making them.., i always reach a point where i have enough friends.