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How to shake off a 'friend' you don't want

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Sowlowsolo
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19 Sep 2011, 10:05 am

My friend introduced me to a guy to see how we would get on.

He seemed nice - but I wasn't attracted to him.
After a week or so I made it clear that I didn't have relationship feelings toward him but I was happy to be friends.
I was relieved that he seemed happy enough with this.

To cut the story short and miss out quite a lot of detail - I now feel harassed by him and I'm pretty bored in his company or listening to him on the phone.

I don't know how to shake him off. He sends me about 3 or 4 emails every day. He sends text messages. He calls me up. He wants to give me things that I don't really want. He wants to fill his obviously empty life with ME - and I've told him that I usually see my 'friends' about once a fortnight at the most (and that's only the ones I'm really comfortable with!) - (< I didn't say that bit to him).

I've got a bit of a problem here! I don't like to hurt peoples feelings - but this is causing me stress!



PTSmorrow
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19 Sep 2011, 11:04 am

Quote:
After a week or so I made it clear that I didn't have relationship feelings toward him


But within this week you had obviously offered him a lot of access to your life. Probably he misunderstood the term "let's just be friends" respectively is taking your words literally.

Quote:
He sends me about 3 or 4 emails every day. He sends text messages. He calls me up.


You must have given him your email address, and phone number. Perhaps also a mobile number and residential address. Pretty much information.

As a matter of fact, other people can't read your mind. If you feel bothered, tell him in unequivocal words, like "Don't call me anymore!"

However, if he shouldn't change his behavior, you can stop him anyway. Block him on your email account, let the answering machine answer his calls, don't let him in if he pops up at your door. And next time, be cautious in this respect.



Willard
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19 Sep 2011, 12:10 pm

I had a 'friend' like that once - who thought it was okay to just drop in on me anytime they felt bored. This person started coming to my home every single day and staying for hours, unable to take any hint. Finally, I found a 'Sorry, We're Closed' sign and hung it on my front door. The dumbass still showed up (since my car was there, it must be okay, right?) and knocked and knocked and knocked and knocked at my door. I just refused to answer. After a few times, they finally got the message. Some people are just thick that way (and they say we can't read nonverbal cues). :roll:


Your solution is simple. Stop answering the phone. Do not respond to text messages. If you don't live alone, make sure everyone in the household understands that to this fellow, you're not home - ever. Eventually he'll get bored and find something else to do with his time.


Or become a stalker, which is another problem entirely. 8O



Chronos
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19 Sep 2011, 12:29 pm

"I feel you're having a hard time just being friends with me and it makes me uncomfortable to so I don't think we should see each other any more"

Or you can just ignore him.



Sowlowsolo
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19 Sep 2011, 1:09 pm

PTSmorrow wrote:
Quote:
After a week or so I made it clear that I didn't have relationship feelings toward him


But within this week you had obviously offered him a lot of access to your life. Probably he misunderstood the term "let's just be friends" respectively is taking your words literally.

Quote:
He sends me about 3 or 4 emails every day. He sends text messages. He calls me up.


You must have given him your email address, and phone number. Perhaps also a mobile number and residential address. Pretty much information.

As a matter of fact, other people can't read your mind. If you feel bothered, tell him in unequivocal words, like "Don't call me anymore!"

However, if he shouldn't change his behavior, you can stop him anyway. Block him on your email account, let the answering machine answer his calls, don't let him in if he pops up at your door. And next time, be cautious in this respect.


Firstly - after meeting him - and thinking him nice enough - I told my friend that she could give him my number. She gave him my business card which had my mobile number and email address.

Secondly - in what way (other than the business card info) did I give him a lot of access to my life? And how can anyone misunderstand 'I don't have relationship feeling toward you' which is what I said?

Thirdly - I was happy to be 'FRIENDS' with the guy. Still could be if he wasn't all up in my face every other hour of the day.

As a being that struggles socially I kind of need all the friends I can get. I've never had a male friend before. I wanted to find out what that was like. But he's overpowering and I've tried to tell him but he doesn't seem to get it!



Sowlowsolo
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19 Sep 2011, 1:16 pm

Chronos wrote:
"I feel you're having a hard time just being friends with me and it makes me uncomfortable to so I don't think we should see each other any more"


That is simple and perfect and not impolite - thank you chronos :salut:



minervx
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19 Sep 2011, 1:21 pm

Sowlowsolo wrote:
My friend introduced me to a guy to see how we would get on.

He seemed nice - but I wasn't attracted to him.
After a week or so I made it clear that I didn't have relationship feelings toward him but I was happy to be friends.
I was relieved that he seemed happy enough with this.

To cut the story short and miss out quite a lot of detail - I now feel harassed by him and I'm pretty bored in his company or listening to him on the phone.

I don't know how to shake him off. He sends me about 3 or 4 emails every day. He sends text messages. He calls me up. He wants to give me things that I don't really want. He wants to fill his obviously empty life with ME - and I've told him that I usually see my 'friends' about once a fortnight at the most (and that's only the ones I'm really comfortable with!) - (< I didn't say that bit to him).

I've got a bit of a problem here! I don't like to hurt peoples feelings - but this is causing me stress!


People like this who are romantically obsessed with someone who does not share that feeling, they start becoming stubborn. We as humans, have cognitive biases which make us think what we want to be believe rather than the truth. Guys can keep justifying and justifying why you aren't responding to them.

My answer: Be honest with him. Tell him that you feel harassed, and explain how he is being excessive, and you don't want him to speak to you as you are not and will never be interested in him. And politely tell him why, what he did wrong, and things he can improve on for the next time he talks to a girl.

You say you don't want to hurt him. Well, giving him the silent treatment isn't going to help him at all, it will confuse him. And it will not help you either constantly being on the defensive...