I just need to let it all out.

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Like many of you I've had trouble fitting in since adolescence. Lately I've been feeling particularly isolated, and rather than clog up other people's topics with my rambling nonsense I thought it would be better to let it all out here.

I have a boyfriend, whom I love, but I need a social life outside of him. I feel trapped and alone whenever he's busy, and it makes me ashamed to be so dependent. I thought I had built up a solid group of friends this year but they fell apart while I was abroad and now I rarely see any of them.

I used to assume my social shortcomings were an obvious result of the self-loathing attitude I developed during high school, but since then I have done a lot of growing up. I smile, I laugh. I like myself and I like my peers, and I'm genuinely interested in what they have to say. I have met a lot of new people and have done my best to get involved in the community (through volunteering, life drawing classes, and the local music and art scene - all things I am passionate about). Many seem to like me, and will initiate conversation and invite me to do things. However, this rarely lasts for more than a couple of months. There is never an obvious reason for this, they simply seem to grow bored of me and move on.

I've had people literally describe me as 'amazing', 'beautiful' and 'fascinating' only to have them avoid speaking to me a month down the line. On the flipside, I've had more than a few people describe me as 'weird', a couple even stated I was one of the strangest people they've ever met (which is something I don't understand, as there is nothing particularly remarkable about me), but they always assure me they mean this in the most positive of ways. Perhaps on the surface I appear more interesting than I am, so when people get to know me they're disappointed? I do tend to dress in a rich and vibrant way, but they are simply the clothes I want to wear, and are not intended to be deceitful.

I don't know if I'm looking for advice, as I feel like I'm doing everything right, in theory, but maybe someone can relate. I feel so dazed and lost, like I'm in a dream.

ah I can't stand a decent post without replies

I don't know really.. what do people want ?
There are a lot of seemingly hideous, dumb, greasy, ordinary (etc) people out there on the streets that I wouldn't want to be friend with if my life depended on it, but I'm certain they have a more satisfying social life than me. So don't think you need to be intelligent or pretty or anything really. It's just a matter of .. I don't know what. The X factor.

I would like a picture to see what is weird about you People like what is familiar. Some do like pure people, people that are their true selves, uncensored, nonconforming, eccentric, modest special people.. I know some like me for what I am. But they are very rare. Since 2003 I made 3 friends that I still talk to every now and then. Some others were ok but it died over time since they had other interests, or were busy with growing up and getting a job, a gf..

Lately some people I cared about (A LOT) left me too without explanation, but not after they told me how interesting, intelligent etc I am This whole socializing thing is ruining my life.

Thanks for replying Kopetski. I'm sorry about your situation, but at least you're not alone on this forum!

For me, I think it's mostly a matter of circumstance. It's hard to make friends without already having a solid group of them to spring from. Even the times where I get along well with somebody, it's so much easier for them to fall back into their established group than it is to go out of their way to see me. Though you'd think with how enthusiastic some of them seem to be they wouldn't mind making a little effort!

I don't think it's just my looks that are 'weird'. I've dressed more conventionally in the past and still gotten those comments. And even so, I live in Melbourne, Australia, where many people dress just as crazy as me and then some, especially in my age group. There are plenty of art students, you know! It may simply be people slowly picking up on my Asperger's, which I guess is something I can't ever cover up, no matter how many multi-coloured ponchos I nab from the op shop.

Bizarrely, after posting this thread I've been invited to three parties in this week alone. Not one, not two, but three! I guess they do say all things go in cycles...