On social etiquette and rules of engagement

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johnsmcjohn
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13 Aug 2012, 2:34 am

About 3 1/2 months ago, a coworker invited me to socialize with him and some of his friends at a local bar. What came from this was the most amazing night I've ever had. New experiences, new people, and a sense for the first time in my life that I belong. After this, the dynamic completely changed. Since then, we've met up 6 times and spoken 8 times and each and every one of those were initiated by me. I understand the he has a MUCH larger social circle than I do, but I think that it's not unreasonable to ask that I be contacted once in a while! Today was especially grievous. I called him and we spoke about what we're doing next weekend, but as soon as his television program came up, he ended the call. This person made a substantial effort to include me into his social circle, but now that I'm here, he seems unwilling to put forth any effort to contact me. Is this guy just being a douche, or am I out of line expecting him to at least call/text me once in a while? This is my first friend of my adult life and I don't want to jeopardize our relationship, but I'm getting really sick and tired of always being the one who initiates contact between us.



nrgandy
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13 Aug 2012, 3:34 am

i seem to have the same problem but with a few different people. i even tryed out not contacting them for a while and they didnt contact me and i became a loner for a while. im not sure why this happens i think it could be because im not that interesting hmmm



Morningstar
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13 Aug 2012, 5:21 am

Maybe he feels that you are contacting him too much and wants a little more space? I remember I had a guy friend who got really annoyed with this other guy who called him every week or more.

I seem to have the same problem, and I'm not sure why either. In my case, I think it's because my friends don't live very close by and are very busy with work. I only contacted them once a month. I've decided to just stop contacting them and see what happens. I'm tired of always being the one to put forth effort.



anneurysm
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13 Aug 2012, 7:58 am

It could be what Morningstar said. If the guy has a lot of friends, he's not going to put as much priority into his friendship with you as you do with him. This doesn't mean he doesn't value you, but that you have to acknowledge this and realize that he may not contact you as often as you'd like.


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Moondust
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13 Aug 2012, 8:45 pm

I think you have a mistake in interpretation: if he never initiates contact, then he's not your friend. There's no such thing as "a friend who never contacts you". I think you have to stop initiating contact with him, for your and his sake.


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thewhitrbbit
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13 Aug 2012, 8:57 pm

I wonder if his perception of the night is not in the same ball park as your perception.



minervx
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13 Aug 2012, 10:33 pm

johnsmcjohn wrote:
About 3 1/2 months ago, a coworker invited me to socialize with him and some of his friends at a local bar. What came from this was the most amazing night I've ever had. New experiences, new people, and a sense for the first time in my life that I belong. After this, the dynamic completely changed. Since then, we've met up 6 times and spoken 8 times and each and every one of those were initiated by me. I understand the he has a MUCH larger social circle than I do, but I think that it's not unreasonable to ask that I be contacted once in a while! Today was especially grievous. I called him and we spoke about what we're doing next weekend, but as soon as his television program came up, he ended the call. This person made a substantial effort to include me into his social circle, but now that I'm here, he seems unwilling to put forth any effort to contact me. Is this guy just being a douche, or am I out of line expecting him to at least call/text me once in a while? This is my first friend of my adult life and I don't want to jeopardize our relationship, but I'm getting really sick and tired of always being the one who initiates contact between us.


The other guy isn't a douche, and neither are you. He just has a lot of people and he needs to distribute his time amongst everybody. If he was meeting up with you, that's a clear sign he wants to be your friend, but you should give him some time to get to his other friends who haven't seen him in a while. Even though are initiating, he is still seeing you. Why would someone meet up with you SIX TIMES, if he isn't interested in your company. A person needs hours of social contact every week, and it's not a good idea to put it all on the same person. So the best bet is to meet new friends while you pursue this guy on a semi-regular basis.



johnsmcjohn
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13 Aug 2012, 11:36 pm

minervx wrote:
Why would someone meet up with you SIX TIMES, if he isn't interested in your company.


It's not that he's met up with me 6 times, it's that all 6 of them have been initiated by me. Since the first night we went out together, I have been the one initiating contact every single time and the reason I posted this is that I don't have enough experience with friends to know if this is a normal trend or not.