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laserwater
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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Joined: 16 Oct 2012
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05 Dec 2012, 1:52 am

Throughout my life, I have felt pretty lonely. It's not that I can't make friends, but that they aren't really meaningful relationships. It seems like almost everyone has at least one friend they can talk to about stuff and so on, but while I have friends, I have no close friends. I don't know exactly how to bridge the gap between the difference in what I look for/want of a friendship and that of an NT. For example, I almost never hang out with people. It's really stressful for me. I'm going to go back to therapy soon to help with my social anxiety, but I was never one to like doing much in person anyhow. I honestly don't quite get what I am supposed to do with others? I feel like anytime I hang out, the main attraction is smalltalk, which I find rather boring :s And most of the time during smalltalk I end up going "...yeah...." b/c I am never entirely sure what to talk about then. I also am not sure how I am supposed to make a friendship become stronger? Is it just supposed to magically happen or are their steps or something to take to get to a point where you are close with someone? What am I not getting that others seem to have figured out?


_________________
AQ: 33
Aspie score: 123 of 200 | NT score: 110 of 200
BAP Test: Aloof (94) and Rigid (102) | (Pragmatic 75)


lukeinontario
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: 12 Nov 2012
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05 Dec 2012, 1:30 pm

I suggest focusing on your interests and joining a club. There is never a need for small talk in a good club.

As for reinforcing a friendship, turn small talk into social events. (e.g. Seen any good movies? Want to see one?)



icyfire4w5
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09 Dec 2012, 5:01 am

People have hurt me and I have hurt people too so yeah, I'm currently friendless. I'm scared of making friends because I find human interactions generally unpredictable--I often misunderstand others' intentions and others sometimes perceive me as malicious when I mean no malice at all. I think that people who are good at making and keeping friends are generally those who blessed with the "sixth sense" that tells them which friendships they should value more than other friendships. Most NTs have lots of friendships but spend most of their time and money on maintaining a handful of specially selected friendships. If your "sixth sense" is good (mine isn't), you will be able to please your friends well because your "sixth sense" will tell you what your friends expect of you. For example, different people prefer different "love languages". If your "sixth sense" is good, you will know which love language your best friend appreciates the most--words or time or gifts or deeds or touch. To me, maintaining a friendship ultimately depends on how well your "sixth sense" works.



Stalk
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09 Dec 2012, 5:15 am

I think they all approach everyone as a possible acquaintance and constantly keep doing that, so that they are always near people but never focused on a specific person. If it was a man they are focussing on, they might feel that if they get any closer to being a best friend it might seem gay. Don't know about women though. I can only focus on about 3 friends at the same time, any thing more than that and I would retreat to my room and stay there for a long time until I can get the courage again to get out.



Perceptionkiller
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Joined: 4 Dec 2012
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10 Dec 2012, 2:52 pm

I do have a handful of people who I call friends, I know they appreciate me and vise versa, but there is always this emotional distance. I don't have kinda best friends or people to always
hang around and most of the time I'm on my own. I sometimes admire people who are chatting in a relaxed and joking manner around a table, asking myself how they do that. Sometimes these
situations occur, when you have to sit at the table with people, turns always out to be a very challenging occasion, where I afterward always feel physically exhausted.

So yeah I'm stuck at this one too... the gap between colleagues and the closer friend..

I don't know man, if a therapy can help you out of social anxiety.. because it seems to me that social anxiety is not the illness but the mere consequence of something lying deeper.
I did psychotherapy twice: once psychoanalytic, and once comportemental. The doctors thought that I'm just a timid guy, but I felt they didn't understand me.

Antidepressers helped me for some while, but again the problem: it doesn't treat the cause. Also they are very toxic just not good (they cut you from the source), so I quit this crap.

Do you know any shamanistic persons? Maybe they can show you a deeper insight to your true nature.. I didn't have the chance yet, to do it, but I feel I can get answers or suggestions this way.