If feelings > facts, then feelings = facts

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I had this epiphany last night, one of those eureka-moments, where I understood a concept of the social dance I have not understood before.

If someone feels something strongly, it becomes as I would regard facts of knowledge. It becomes fact for them. Even if I dont agree, its a reality for them, and thats what matters to them. No amount of logic reasoning will change that, not when they feel strongly about it.

e.g.
She says; "You have ruined my life."
I think; "I have not. Its a fact. Your life is not in ruins. You have a spouse, you have kids, you have a job. Your life is not ruined."
I also think after this epiphany; "She feels strongly about this, its her way of explaining how she feels. Her feelings is real. Treat them as facts, because they are for her."
I say; "I know, I'm sorry."

Please, discuss if this is the right way of handling feelings or not, I would love to get some input on the matter.

I don't think feelings = facts, but maybe feelings = assessment of personal experience or the result of one's perception of reality.


Anyone who has ever been drunk or on drugs might be able to relate to the change in perceived reality. It's not absolute reality; it's a personal perceived reality.


But I agree with you that if someone feels strongly a certain way, it's doubtful that their mind can be changed (it's their reality)...But sometimes it might be worth trying to get them to see another perspective, and sometimes it may not be worth the fight.


Edit to add: I may have just opened a *can of worms*, with the term "reality".

I didn't say that. I said in a typical programming way(pseudocode); "if feelings > facts, then feelings = facts". And by that I meant if how a person feels about something is more important than facts(to them), then in a logical mind you are better off thinking; "feelings = facts", to understand it better. ..but that would have made for a too long title.

I agree that reality and percieved reality is two different things, I only suggested you think of feelings as facts, to make it easier to understand. Am I wrong to think Aspies have a more logical approach to social interaction?

Last edited by Blownmind on 27 Feb 2012, 6:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Last edited by nat4200 on 19 Apr 2012, 7:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

I wish I could get a script for how to deal with them though, its hard to converse in an irrational way.

Thanks, I never considered that. But when you mention it, ofcourse its an exaggeration. ..it just never crossed my mind to think along those lines.


It does help me though, to think of their statements of their feelings as fact, cause then I can relate to it, kinda.

/\

One problem I'm coming to terms with is treating feelings with data. I can handle data, but not necessarily feelings.

Physiologically speaking, the part of the brain associated with feelings/instincts is dominant in the Aspie brain. The necortex is the newest part of the brain but is the rational thinker. If we strongly feel something, I believe this older part of the brain affects the 'decision'.
Instead of:
I think this --> I need proof --> I see there is a strong argument and some evidence --> it is fact
We might think this:
I think this --> I need proof --> I feel it is true very strongly --> It is true

W.I. Thomas once wrote, "If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences." (link)

I've heard this re-stated as, "That is real which is real in its consequences."

Thomas, of course, was speaking more in the "macro-sociological" sense than in the situation you describe. But I think it still applies perfectly well to your situation.

In situations involving humans, it doesn't matter what is "ideally" or "objectively" correct. Perception determines and controls EVERYTHING. If you control a perception, you control EVERYONE who has that perception.

Sometimes, popular perception does happen to be in line with what is objectively correct. But there are many, MANY times where it isn't.

How do you think salesmen and politicians become so successful at what they do? Why are there still so many of these kinds of people around? Doesn't it seem like people should have learned by now?

The answer is that the majority of people aren't good at determining what is objectively correct in various situations. That, or- for whatever reason- they stop caring.

How are feelings greater than facts? If you have a mindset like that then dangerous ideals like racism and homicide are justified.

Most AS people think in terms of logic, and often feelings seem illogical (an unknown variable).

But, in times when you do need to get your feelings (perspective) across, it may be worth it to try. One of the worst problems in relationships is lack of communication.... but as I mentioned before, sometimes it's not worth the fight. For minor issues, it may be better to let it go.

Well, for the purposes of navigating a relationship, dealing with others, or making decisions for yourself, feelings can be more important than facts . . . since ultimately making the 'best' decision (I mean, the most proper and practical one) every time isn't always so important, like it doesn't always matter. So often the best decision to make is one that everyone involved doesn't mind or feels like doing.

Because there's a range between what's the most practical and the least practical idea, and there's a range for how much the people involved care about the issue. Having the ability to make bad decisions because you feel like it, or let your own motivations evaporate because you realize it matters to other people is profoundly freeing and humanizing. Like, this is where the undefinable fill-in-the-blank for meaning words like compassion and love and forgiveness come in.

This is an area that evades calculation though, it's not rational. But you can sometimes benefit from not requiring yourself or your surroundings to be rational, because humans and life are ultimately not completely rational. Also rational ideas don't lead to answers that are relevant everywhere, that's a passe concept . . . we're not in Modernism anymore, stuff is Post-Modern or whatever happens after it by this point. Or is this an Enlightenment/Romantic Era thing? Anyways it's a major human dilemma.

I will translate the pseudocode; If feelings are more important than facts, then you, with your logical mind, chould handle it like it actually is facts, cause it often is like facts for the person in question. Well, thats what I suggest, atleast.

I've heard in a course I took once, that if you win or loose an arguement in a relationship, no one won, you both lost. It's not important to win, but it is important to listen and learn. Communication is key. ...my problem is understanding the meaning behind the words communicated, especially if/when they involve feelings. Hense the little pseudocode in the topic title.