I'm a little confused about my wedding

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There are times when I just need to talk to the ether. I don't expect answers to any of my questions, but the simple act of asking makes them easier for me to digest. So I've popped onto various chatlines over the years, wandering in and posting my thoughts without perhaps understanding the way human interaction works. You see, after years of being misdiagnosed as mentally ill with Depression/Bipolar Disorder/Personality Disorder/Attention seeking/Suicidal Impulses/blah/blah/blah, it turns out the answer is quite simple - in 2011 I was officially diagnosed as having mild Asperger's Syndrome. Suddenly all those little quirks of mine made sense:

My hatred of crowds
My painful reaction to piercing noises
My reverse body language
My inability to make friends
My intense concentration to the point of ignoring food, water & sleep
My complusion to tell the truth
My ability to write interminable lists about all and sundry...

Suddenly, it was all clear. I was 37 and rather than being an anti-social b*tch, I actually had a genetic syndrome which influenced the way I process the world. Oh.

Of course, this isn't actually what I came on here to talk about tonight. My AS does influence my behaviour, but you might say the same about the thickness of my hair, or the way I walk.

No, I came on here to talk about my wedding. You see, I had come to the conclusion that I would never have Love. At 32 I was still a virgin, and extremely unhappy about it. The man I had been in love with since I was 21 simply wasn't interested (let's call him Alan) - in fact, he was insultingly not interested. I was apparently so uninteresting that he wouldn't even sleep with me. However, I'd known him since 1990, along with all my other friends, so as Fi says in "Four weddings and a funeral", friends isn't bad. I guess.

Then Michael came into my life and changed everything. He was a friend, a replacement big brother, since my relationship with my sister is so dysfunctional. He listened to me pouring my heart out about Alan, sympathised and gave me honest support when I needed it. He was one of my big brothers and I would do the same for him in a heartbeat (and did). His relationship was becoming quite rocky and he was dreadfully unhappy with the entire situation, but he loved his children desperately and knew that even though he'd been with their mum for 18 years, he had no rights because his name wasn't on the birth certificate. He needed someone to talk to, and I was happy to help. Of course, being my usual oblivious self I didn't realise that during this time he suddenly realised I was female. I'd always been one of the guys, fighting by their side at LRP, martial arts and re-enactment, wearing jeans and baggy t shirts because I was so embarrassed by my big boobs - a regular tomboy. I've never learnt how to put on make up or style my hair either. Basically, I'm as far from Lana Del Rey as you can get .
Michael suddenly saw me. He describes it as being hit by lightning. One moment I was just-me, the next I was an attractive woman hanging around with a group of men playing Runequest. However, he was committed to his partner and their children, so he did nothing, just watched and listened when I needed someone. Unfortunately for everyone, it was at this time when I took hold of myself and gave me a damn good shake. I realised that at 32, there was no possibility of my ever falling in love. I was fat, tomboyish, socially awkward, inexperienced, unemployed and had an appalling history of Depression. No man would take me on, I could see that. The one thing in my favour was my virginity, the holy grail of men. See, one thing I do understand is men. I rarely have female friends, because the fact is, I'm not interested in children, shoes or homelife. You'd be amazed how many women find those things the be-all-and-end-all of life. I'm more inclined to talk about fighting, games, films and novels, all traditional male pursuits. I suppose men like hanging out with me because I'm safe. I understand them and make no demands on them, or so they think. As a result, only two of my gang of 15+ male friends ever asked me out. So I'm about 85% unattractive to the rest of them. I knew none of them would want to help me out, so I advertised my virginity online. You'd be amazed how heavy a weight it can be once you pass 30. Anyway, after a couple of false starts, I met up with a guy who kindly did the deed for me. Luckily, he was a nerd too, so I was even more comfortable with the whole thing.

However, when Michael heard about this, he tore shreds off me. Said I was an idiot for meeting a complete stranger and not telling anyone where I was going. Well, who could I tell? My mum was heavily over-protective, my dad would have tried to prevent me and my best friend Alice would have yelled at me. I knew exactly what I was doing, and dealth with the problem in an utterly cold-blooded manner. I think that's what confuses people really - how could I possibly not have feelings about it? I thought the entire thing was eminently practical, personally. Six months later I met another man online and invited him back to my house. I knew I was a Submissive, and he had offered to be my Dominant, so I felt it could be a useful learning curve. He obviously wasn't interested in me as a person, but I could still use him for sex until I moved on.

This time, Michael went ballistic. I had allowed this man into my home, allowed him to tie me up and he had wanted to have sex bareback (no chance). I got a very big brotherly talk about the whole situation which eventually ended in Michael offering to answer all of my questions if I'd just stop meeting strangers and being an idiot. Seemed fair.

Well, you know what happened. Talking turned to more physical instruction. In all, we only had about a dozen meetings, and believe me, my concience was murdering me. I finally told him I was done, regardless of what might happen to our friendship, because what we were doing, even though it was just instructional, was still wrong. He didn't speak to me for a week. Finally, I went to see him during his lunch hour. He was really upset, and I genuinely didn't understand why. We talked for a long time, and it ended with him pinning me up against a tree and firmly telling me that he was never, ever going to let me get away. What girl with romance in her soul could resist that sort of line?

The next day, we'd arranged to have phone sex whilst he was at work, but when I called he was... odd. I think what most impressed me was that he said he didn't want to have p-sex, he wanted to talk instead. I point out, this was going on whilst he was in a toilet at work, so let's dispel any flowery notions! At which point he told me that he had fallen in love with me, that he wanted to marry me, that he thought I was the sexiest (ironic!), most interesting woman he had ever met and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. No one had ever said anything like that to me before and I didn't have a clue what to do. I thanked him for the sentiments, explained that he had taken me aback a little and that I needed time to think. He gave me all the time I wanted. We both knew that if we wanted to be together then it would destroy the safe lives of at least 3 people, not to mention Michael and myself. I thought about it for a long time and finally realised that I loved being with him. he was funny, intelligent, chaotic, sexy, imaginative, quick and utterly fascinating. Plus tall with green eyes. Seriously, the man is gorgeous! My final stumbling block was his partner and children - what was best for them? The life he described to me was not healthy, but he talked about it so matter of factly that it had obviously been going on for a long time. He wasn't happy and the cracks were beginning to show in that relationship. I suggested he take some time and move in with his dad, perhaps mourn that relationship for a year before seeing whether he still wanted me. However, Michael is a very immediate type of man, and wanted it all. Yet he didn't move out. Finally Alice suggested to me that he didn't have to - after all, he had his bit on the side and his family too, so why rock the boat? I'm afraid I lost my temper and told him I didn't believe he was telling me the truth. 5 hours later he had moved into his dad's and left his family for good. Admittedly, he kept having sex with his ex for 4 months after he moved out, but nobody's perfect. She threw him out of the house on Valentine's Day when she found his card for me.

So there we were, together. He couldn't move in with me because I was on Benefits, and I couldn't move in with him because he was giving 2/3 of his wages to his ex as alimony. For 3 years, this status quo was kept. He would come over at the weekend and be at his dad's during the week. We fought, we laughed, we loved... and we couldn't keep away from each other. He phoned me every night for an hour or two, with emails and phone calls during the day to see what was happening with me. I introduced him to Firefly and he tried to introduce me to Hipster music. I even went to see him in his band, even though the noise and crowd killed me. What I found odd was the way Alan reacted. We had been friends, but slowly he withdrew, eventually reacting to an email of mine with such vitriol and spite that I was horrified. He had this weird idea that I had deliberately broken him up with a girl he had once known so I could have him myself. The thing is, the girl in question wasn't interested in him, yet he was acting as if she had been his soulmate. That email actually scared me, and I am not easily frightened. I finally saw through all of Alan's lies and discovered that he had only "tolerated" me as one of our group for the past 15 years, yet all the time he had been smiling, laughing and acting as if he was my best friend. What sort of person does that? There then followed a series of malicious emails talking about me behind my back, saying how I did everything deliberately - believe me, I'm not that Borgiaesque. Some of the things he accused me of were bizarre. Still, he was part of our group, so toleration was needed. He was obviously angry, so I tried to smooth things out. Instead I just made things worse. No matter what I said, he took it badly. I finally gave up in disgust.

That's where it was balanced until last weekend - the weekend Michael proposed to me and I accepted. He asked my dad's permission, bought me a chinese takeaway (we're poor - but it was a very good takeaway), went down on one knee during Season 3 of "Lie To Me" (one of our favourite shows) and asked me to marry him. Silly man, of course I said "yes". I think he's adorable. What puzzles me the most is the reactions we've recieved from friends:

My parents - happy, although mum is worried about his history
My sister - a half sentence on her Wall on Facebook, responding to my congratulations on her 40th birthday
LRP friends - All extremely positive and happy
Our mutual group of friends - 2 happy responses and 3 silences
Alice - Nothing, until I went to see her on Saturday. I had phoned her to ask her to be my Matron of Honour, and she had said yes, but... something was off. When I broached it with her, she said she didn't think Michael would go through with it, so why raise my hopes and spend money on a wedding when it probably wasn't going to happen.

I was puzzled by this, so I asked Michael about it. He interpreted it as Alice thinking he wasn't serious about me, which couldn't be right, since he'd just bought me an engagement ring. I intepreted it as her thinking I couldn't keep Michael because I simply wasn't attractive. Either way, we both thought it was extremely odd. I posited that possibly that might explain the dead silences from Alan, Gizmo and Frank. Do people usually judge engaged couples this way? Or is it just my friends? Because they've done it before, 20 years ago with Alice and her husband, saying that they would never last more than a year. What sort of negative thinking is that?!

The thing is, I can't stand the idea of guests at my wedding thinking such spiteful thoughts. A wedding is a positive thing, and a time of great joy for the people getting married. To come with the expectation of failure is horrific. And of course, I now don't want Alice as my MOH, since the last thing I want is someone giving me moral support who thinks the entire thing is a waste of time. Hell, I don't want her anywhere near it! Which is unfortunate, since she's the only female friend I have and I've already asked her.

Michael suggested I have a Man Of Honour instead, but because we share so many friends, there are only 2 I can pick from, one whom is extremely shy and the other who is extremely busy. I certainly can't have my sister, since she can't stand me. I could have Michael's sisters, but I haven't known them very long, and they're still friends with his ex which would make things very awkward.

I suppose what is bothering me the most is the negative vibes I'm getting from a lot of 'friends'. I'm wearing £115 of gold on my finger and yet about half of the people we call friends don't think it will happen. I am hurt, I'll admit, and extremely confused. When they all got married I congratulated them, bought them presents and came to their weddings, genuinely believing that my brothers had found true love and would be with their chosen girls forever. They don't seem to have similar faith in me & Michael, and that's a bitter pill to swallow. We made the guest list this weekend, and there are some cuts I never thought I would make.

Can you really be friends with people who aren't your friends at all?

ps - I realised tonight that I can't think of anyone who actually likes me enough to do this for me - so what does that say about my personality and the people I have been friends with for the past 20 years?

First of all, welcome to Wrong Planet! Second, congradulations on your wedding! It's quite rare for a person with Asperger's to get married, but it does happen. I've been never been married myself, but I think you should ignore people's stupid comments and enjoy your day! Sounds like you've waited long enough. Rejoice!

Congratulations!

Ta' heck with what other people think.

If you wanted to, you could just elope; maybe invite one person to be the witness. It's also much less expensive...then after the ceremony (even a week later if you want) if you both wanted to get together to celebrate with those you might have invited, have an informal get together.

That's just a suggestion.

These days weddings really don't have to follow any rules.
Like Princess wrote and I agree: it's your day, so have the wedding you want to have and enjoy it.

It could be group contagion (person A believes something because person B says it) or they might be seeing something you're not.

Do you have someone like a hair stylist who acts as an informal counselor? (I have generally been disappointed with more formal counselors)

And fight for the relationship when needed. If something bothers you, speak up. If there's something good you want, speak up. (I tend to overexplain which I guess is okay but it's not required.)

PS. Here in the states we have LARPs, which stands for Live Action Role Play. Is that what LRP is?

Oh believe me, the wedding will happen! I'm just imagining me standing in front of everyone we know on my own because I couldn't find anyone to stand up with me!! Michael's got a choice of about 8 for his Best Man & Groomsmen, damn him .



It's going to be an odd wedding anyway, since Michael and I are both pagans (but not the same religion) and neither of these religions are recognised by law! We've figured out how to pack it all into one day, but it's going to need to be run like a military operation . Do I worry about what other people think? Actually, I suppose I do. I love these people without barriers, yet that feeling doesn't seem to be returned. I find that illogical and confusing.



Group contagion is an interesting idea. Alan and Gizmo certainly talk a lot behind people's backs and then take their talks as gospel. otherwise, all they're going to be seeing is two people who are depressingly soppy about each other, .
I had a chat with my mum about it last night, and she was just as confused as I am - it seems a WEIRD reaction to what ought to be a joyous occasion.
I admit, I have been thinking about bringing the subject into the open the next time our friends meet up. Too much goes on under the surface with them anyway.
LRP = Live RolePlaying. It's just what we veterans call it in Europe. A lot of the newbies have started calling it LARP, so I anticipate it'll change to the Americanism eventually .

With you and your mum being confused, I think that's as real an emotion as anything else. I think even quote-unquote 'normal' people (and no such thing as 'normal' anyway! ) find weddings more stressful than enjoyable, much less us talented people on the spectrum! Seems like it would be hard for it not to be stressful.

As far as Alan and Gizmo and company, maybe you could pick the person who is the de facto informal leader and talk with him privately, maybe with your husband-to-be present, maybe just by yourself, and tell him that you want him to be behind him and are counting on him. And relatively brief for such a talk is probably best. Doesn't necessarily mean it's going to work, but it might.

PS At a science fiction and fantasy con back last March, they had LARPing where we did this fun vampire game. I a little bit laid back being new and all, but I see some of the appeal.

I do wonder if it would work - we've been friends for 20+ years, so maybe there's a point where the seething underbelly simply can't be talked about!!

LRP is massive fun. You get to dress up, be someone else, fight monsters, develop friendships and exercise under the guise of playing. My alter-ego is a pirate, for pete's sake!

Wow, that does sound interesting and fun.

Is it rare for women with Aspergers to get married?

Where I'm from, weddings are huge deals. I know entirely too much about Southern wedding traditions, but I'd be glad to help out if I can.

If you don't have close friends who you want to be your bridesmaids, then it's common to have either your sister or his sister as a maid of honor. Bridesmaids are also commonly sisters or other relatives of either the bride or groom if you don't have friends nearby to ask. Unless there is such bad blood between you that you can't be nice for a few hours, it's usually considered to be the proper thing to do. You want as many bridesmaids as he has groomsmen. Some small weddings only have one bridesmaid and the best man.

If you only have one bridesmaid, I'd suggest having the wedding before 5pm, and not going quite as formal with the wedding party's clothes.

OOM -

I'd ceryainly be happy to ask either of his sisters to do it! I'd rather have one of my friends do it, but I'm not sure he'll have the time - too busy taking over the world!

The current suggestion is to hold a small civil ceremony for the family of both and then to have a large LRP gathering over a weekend to celebrate with our friends. I rather like the idea, but it's looking expensive

Greetings, fellow Berkshire-ite! and congrats!

I can't say I know a whole lot about wedding etiquette, but I do know that you can look it up online! Emily Post has some articles on the subject, and what OliveOilMom said makes sense that's not fair of your friends to try to discourage you. Sounds like they don't like the idea of you changing into someone else - they have an idea of you as being a single friend they can always rely on, and maybe now they think you'll 'go soft' or be too busy with your husband for them? Anyway, I hope it all goes well!

That kind of stuff happens, too.

And medium expensive is just fine. Just don't let it be too expensive.

Where I am, weddings are a semi-big deal. Especially in my partner's family xD EVERYONE is married, and we've actually been talking marriage since before we met offline. I think this is a good sign? And the fact we still talk about it a bit even after he realized I had Aspergers, I really can't wrap my head around it xD

Anyways, good luck with the wedding confusion Hopefully you'll find a neutral party for bridesmaids and not have to worry about an expensive wedding :3 (my partner and I actually have a set budget of pretty low for if/when plans are more concrete; minimalistic beach wedding, small circle of family and friends, quiet little reception, family friends taping and doing photos :3 ). NT or not, weddings are stressful, especially with others behaving the way your friends are. It's YOUR day, so try not to let their thoughts bother you (:

Yes, I don't think my NTs are factoring the Aspieness into all of this . Mum took me round a wedding fayre at the weekend and I almost ran from the room because all these strangers kept talking to me! By the time we got all the way round, I think most of the stallholders thought I was downright peculiar, *L*.

Aspixie - Hail too, fellow Berkshireite! Who knows where the mystery of an NT's mind will take them . I find the whole lot of them immensely confusing

Aardvaak - Talking of expensive... I looked into venues at the weekend - small (but pretty) hotel = £14,999 to hire, whilst castle =£995 to hire. Talk about price difference!

Alitatt - I still have no idea why my OH wants to marry me, but bless him, he does . He likes the fact that I'm unusual, which is a good sign