How to express sympathy without it seeming lame

Post Reply New Topic

That's my question really. Whenever I hear myself expressing sympathy it never seems quite like I mean it. I do though. I don't like it when crap things happen to people. I think part of it is that I tend to accept that bad things happen to people, and I don't really make much of a fuss when misfortune comes my way. I guess I don't think things need much comment.

But I think it does help if you can sympathise.

*Sigh*. I'm not good at it either. I think I need some cheering up.

Then don't say stuff, do stuff. In my experience, when I'm going through a rough time, about 90% of what people say seems hollow, unless they also do something that shows they care in a tangible way. Much of the time, it's not necessary to do anything extravagent to show you care, either. Just asking someone how they are doing and giving them chance to talk can be a compassionate (and fairly easy) thing to do. I think that sometimes people worry way too much over saying the right thing, when listening is a lot more powerful.

I really can sympathize with your feelings Moog. (Or is it empathize... I can never remember)

Anyway... My old dentist died recently of a particularly bad cancer and I was talking to her sister yesterday. I found it difficult to quite know what to say, but thankfully what she seemed to really need was to just be able to talk about it. I listened, making occasional sympathetic noises. At some point it crossed my mind that what she needed to hear from me was that I could see that the whole thing had been really hard for her. It didn't come from some natural sympathetic feeling for her pain, (although I know I would feel much the same in her situation) but more from an intellectual analysis of how she might like others to respond.

I felt a bit artificial when I said it and kind of stumbled on the words, but it really seemed to help her that I recognized that she had been through a lot and was really grieving over the loss of her sister.

I always feel awkward when trying to express sympathy. Maybe it comes out of the understanding that there is no fixing the problem. Maybe our reaction to a person in pain is that we should be trying to fix it for them. But there are some situations that simply cannot be fixed. Maybe the key is in recognizing that we are all helpless to some degree and the best we can do is to listen to a person's cries of pain.

It's really unpleasant to be helpless in the face of another person's suffering.

It's always hard to know what to say when someone has experienced a loss of some kind. And fear of saying the wrong thing is also a common concern. Just being receptive to listening and not pushing oneself to say or do anything that doesn't feel natural or comfortable might be the best policy. It stresses me out and internally I sort of panic because communication is such a struggle to begin with. It's probably common for us to feel extra stressed in these situations.

"meh"

Join the ambulance service , I think the service could do with people like us, I just don't like the idea of a crack addict stabbing me with their aids infected needle.

Despite being indifferent to life I do not wish to die , well not in that way anyways.

To Alternative and Moog - it was a joke, it's OK!

look them in the eye with a serious or sad face and touch them on the arm and say 'thats awful, i really feel for you' and give the arm a squeeze.

(beware sometimes this makes them bust in to tears and tell you more of their problems!)

Whenever I happen to express appropriate emotions well, it's almost always by accident.

But whenever I use the "just let it happen by accident" strategy, I am never successful. When I attempt to use a mix of deliberation and "letting it happen by accident," I'm never successful either. All attempts are obviously fake in both situations.

Success just happens out of nowhere whenever it wants to happen, it seems.

That's fine, you're not a girl.

You'd appear like a tough guy and people (including most girls) like that.

I guess the best thing would be to think in advance (for future occasions) of something authentic to say in such a situation (accurately describing your positions on whatever it is that requires that you be sympathetic). We're not lacking in empathy, we just take the world on "logical" terms instead of "emotional-response" terms. So we can use our "logical" embrace of life to everyone's advantage.

Example if you're, let's say, an animal lover:

Them: "My cat died."
You: "Oh, I'm always sad when I hear of an animal dying. There are such special emotional bonds that so many of us (including me) feel with animals, so when I hear about your cat dying, it's painful to hear about. I never met your cat but I can imagine how much you loved him/her and how much he/she loved you."

Or something like that. The point is, you're NOT misrepresenting yourself or your feelings and thoughts on the matter (if you were, it would be an example of what I would think of as "sucking up"). You're also not hurting them, and you're showing that you understand the effect that the unfortunate event is having on them and that you regret that it happened, even if you can only empathize with them very little (if at all).

That's pretty good ^