too late to apologize?

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If you say something to someone and get the feeling from their facial expression or body language that you might have said something wrong, then days later work out what you said was insensitive... is there any point in going back and apologizing? Is there any difference if they are a friend/family, fellow student, a teacher? And, if you do apologize - does it change anyone's perception of you being an insensitive jerk?

It really depends on what you said and how offended the person was by it. If it's something they could shrug off and forget about after a few minutes, then don't bother. If you feel you insulted them and it still affects their perception about you, then I see no reason why you couldn't apologize. That said, I'm no expert at the unwritten rules of social interaction, maybe someone else on this forum would know better than me.

I think it would probably make them respect you more, but probably only if they knew about your Autism. I also think there's a point even if they don't respect you more because it will help you learn social skills better.

I was asking myself this very thing today.

My thinking is that it can't hurt to apologize and if someone still becomes more distant after the apology, I think that might be their immaturity. The apology I think would let them know that you are trying to figure out whether what you did was wrong.

If it's a minor thing, you're kind of bringing it up again. And that may not be so good.

A more major thing, a straightforward, relatively brief, and also real apology can be good. It can be matter-of-fact but it also has to be sincere.

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If they bring it up, be ready to feel and make a real apology. This is part of social reciprocity.

And also, at the time of the original event, kind of the skill, if the person needs space, go ahead and give space. I am still working on this one.

I do like and agree with the idea that if its a minor thing they've probably already forgotten about then its not worth bringing up again. However, I guess I don't always know which things are major or minor.

As an example - this is something stupid I did recently. I heard from one teacher that the budget was being slashed and certain staff in my department didn't know if they'd still have a job after the holidays. After the holidays I went to check with one of the staff members and see if the other teachers were still there - as I was talking to him another teacher walked up behind me. They both seemed defensive - arms crossed, the other teacher said "interesting..." but I was telling them I was so happy and relieved that all of our teachers survived the cull. When I went home and thought for days why they'd be defensive about me checking and being happy they were still there I realised that probably the first teacher shouldn't have told me anything about it. They were probably offended that any students knew they'd had some job security issues. So, really, in the first place I should have noticed that the original teacher was telling me something confidential and that I shouldn't mention it to anyone else. Anyway, I obviously made the other two teachers uncomfortable when I was checking if anyone got made redundant.

It took me days to realise my mistake and its now many weeks later - I haven't had any classes with either of the teachers since... but now I worry they think I'm a jerk poking my nose in where it doesn't belong. I don't like that I made them uncomfortable and do worry that they might not treat me fairly in future classes as well.

I think this was something that was majorly offensive to them... but how could I know - maybe they forgot about it the next day because it was just that weirdo student and probably no one else said anything?

I think you've read it pretty well. The one teacher was embarrassed telling you something borderline confidential and then the other teacher walked up. And then you (inadvertently) compounded it by talking and expressing you were happy. Thereby extending the event and the interaction.

And I think it would take anyone several days or at least several hours to read this situation.

My judgment call would be if you were to bring it up again you would just be extending it further and further compounding the origin situation.

Now, there is something you can do, and that's to have something prepared in case one of these teachers brings it up. Maybe something like, 'I was worried about you guys, but you're right, I should not have asked. And I'm sorry I did ask.'. Or whatever feels right to you.

PS. And I'm sorry Australia is cutting back on public education, as a number of municipalities have done in the U.S.

Thanks, that sounds like good advice. This isn't the first time I thought going back to apologise and bringing something up all over again might be a bad idea but it was more of a gut feeling than something I could understand - I think you've explained it well so now I get it. Thanks for the tip about having something prepared to say just in case because if I get put on the spot and haven't thought about it I'll just say something stupid again.

I think education all over the world is suffering from budget cuts - in Australia tertiary (and possibly secondary?) education has been hit hard. A lot of the education costs used to be subsidised by international students paying huge fees but now we don't get many as other countries' economies are doing so badly and we are doing well, making an education here much less affordable for international students families. Part of losing staff means having our contact hours cut and poorly thought out unit plans from over-stretched teachers. It's not really a great time to be a student... That's why I was so relieved we still had our teachers for another year...

Good luck man. I think you can appologize and pray, maybe it will work out.