Wanting to avoid/dump friends suddenly

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Out of nowhere, with no warning, I will suddenly want to avoid and/or dump a friend (not that I have all that many, mind you). It happened this weekend, for the first time in about 20 years. There's no anger or resentment here, just an unshakeable desire to no longer be involved with this person.

I think what happened in this instance is a cumulative effect -- my personality traits (specifically, the problem-solving) have been taken advantage of by this person for a few years now. I, of course, never noticed because problem-solving is what I do and who I am, it's as easy as breathing. But this person finally found my boundary, with an email on Sunday that asked me to fix some website stuff for them, with a plea of could I please get online soon and do it?

That was the limit. I don't know why it took so long to get here, but here I am. The person isn't malicious or cruel but definitely is, I see now, a bottomless pit of need. And while I like the person well enough, now that I see that I'm being taken advantage of, I know that's wrong and can't deal with them. For me, it's done. This is the first time I've been able to identify a possible cause for the sudden need to de-friend someone, so that's progress, I suppose.

So I'm just trying to understand this, I guess.

Does anyone else go through this?

I sometimes want to dump friends for no reason, and I usually go through with it. I used to be friends with many people on this website, but I stopped being their friend either by avoiding them or deliberately making them dislike me. Most of the friends that I do have (from WrongPlanet or otherwise) are still my friends out of sheer persistence and a lot of forgiveness/patience on their part.

I believe that the reason why I suddenly dump my friends for no reason is because I have trust issues stemming from my past. Whenever I feel like people are getting too close to me, I push them away out of fear that they'll hurt me later. It's an "I''ll hurt them before they hurt me" type of thing.

Although I've not suddenly dis-engaged with someone, I know what you mean. From what I gather, from what you've written, this relationship has simply come to an end. Good you realise this instead of lingering on, which could become counterproductive. Seems you're doing the right thing. Maybe this is a private transition for you and it need not be hard or traumatic.

I guess I've 'lost' friendships - sometimes it's perfectly fine. We do move on - it's natural and even expected sometimes. You shouldn't feel like you have to justify your actions....instead, maybe it's just time. You have your reasons. Make the simple and nice/friendly - then just disconnect. You don't need to explain, really.

I bet you'll find a new friend soon enough that's more suited for your own interests.


Totally separately, and perhaps why your post caught my attention: Just this past week (or so) someone that I've known for quite some time, whom I've always considered a (distant) friend, a colleague actually, has become extremely cold with me. And I know why - one she knows has never liked me much (and that's fine!) has taken her on a 'best friend' and they are now practically inseparabley, like sisters. I'm excluded. Although I'll miss my 'friend', it's probably better since she's been disrespectful to me as of late. I am disappointed in her. Still, I am professional with her. But I no longer consider her my friend. I'm not really sad about this (although some tinge of hurt feelings) and I think now it's time to divest from her and her 'new friend.'

I know Aspies are, by nature, the outsider, and I sense this now. Anyhow, I understand, gsh72. It happens.

I am in complete agreement with Ellendra. Send her a billing statement for hourly and rush job rates. Be friendly about it in the accompanying email, but my guess is she will dump you soon enough after that. Just include in the billing email that you don't have that much free time, so you are now having to charge for PC work to get people to stop using up your free time as a PC fix it person.

I understand your feelings. I have a friend that will contact me whenever she needs something edited in English. Sometime it has been on the last day, when I have had a sick child. She is always flattering and she does reciprocate by inviting me to dinner or something like that. Reciprocation is a bit of an uncomfortable foreign dance for me. It is not expected immediately, but eventually.

I only mention this because your old friend may be someone (like me) who is unaware that you feel used. I am someone who offends people and I am often left wondering how I messed up. So in the spirit of fairness, do the polite thing and just set a respectful boundary. Say something like, "In the past I was available to help problem-solve for you. Things have changed for and I am not free like I used to be."

That way, you have set boundary without the black-while all-or-nothing behavior. Sending a billing statement without ever announcing the change in parameters of such a favor is very passive-aggressive and would be rude. You can add a comment like, for a fee I may be able to consult. However, I doubt that you are after money, you want respect and setting the boundary is how you will get it.

It's the story of my life. A couple I decided I didn't want to see any longer got in touch a few years ago. We're inseparable now. I was going through a really tough time with social anxiety back when I dumped them. I'm over that now and can talk freely with them these days.

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's rare that I've ever had much of a grasp on why I've felt the need to be done with people -- why I can go from suddenly being quite fond of someone to really not caring if I ever interact with them again.

As for trying to explain to the person, for now I'm thinking not. There's probably no good way to explain to a non-ASD person that while it has taken you a while to process and put all the pieces together, you now see that, all along, it was a mistake to get to know them. And I want to avoid the inevitable "But I don't understand" drawn out conversation that would likely happen. I don't feel the need to explain or justify my decision. Understanding is not the goal, severing of the connection is.

Anyway, thanks again -- you all provided perspectives that helped.