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mesona
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23 Mar 2012, 9:01 pm

As of today I have given up on humans.

The job I work at is full of people who love keeping me the odd man out. Every one there is either friends from other jobs or roommates. I have worked my ass off to make friends and they don't last a day, net friends just drop out at random. No words or whys.

I am fighting my high school (from 6 years ago) to get them to fix their paper work and show I did Get my diploma. I was hired for my dream job and fired due to an "taxing error" but in truth I was fired for my hand writing and I can not sue them because A: I would be blacked ball from this type of job and B: the only proof I have is from their hr and she will not back me.
I have met every aspie within 20 miles of me and I am older then the olderest by 10 years. I am nothing but kind and good hearted to all and I am as friendless as always.

My advice to any and all aspies. Learn to be happy by your self and stop going out of your way for others. Only anime has real friends.


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questor
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23 Mar 2012, 9:57 pm

Yes, I had to learn a long time ago to be my own best friend. :( But, I am a better friend to me than anyone else ever was.


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CaptainTrips222
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24 Mar 2012, 2:03 am

I'd be your friend, Mesona.



Sarah81
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24 Mar 2012, 4:09 am

Did you know that NTs often struggle to make friends too? Real friends, that is. NTs can make and break acquaintances with very little effort- someone might appear popular during the day, but at night they go home and cry themselves to sleep because they are so lonely - all of their friendships are superficial.

Don't give up on friends altogether - but don't give a moment's thought to those who don't matter!



mesona
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24 Mar 2012, 11:01 am

At least they have superficial friends is someone to talk to.

Last night as I was posting this everyone in my family left with out warning leaving me to take care of all the animals because and this is word for word " we knew you had no plans" I gave them hell and they all said "you never minded being alone before"


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namaste
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24 Mar 2012, 11:13 am

same here...bullied at work, sidelined by people, ignored by family and
friendless as always
its weekend here and during the day i was sleeping doing nothing
now just getting bored typing here


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BMctav
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25 Mar 2012, 5:02 pm

mesona wrote:
As of today I have given up on humans.

I am nothing but kind and good hearted to all and I am as friendless as always.

My advice to any and all aspies. Learn to be happy by your self and stop going out of your way for others.


Bah. You are being overly negative.

It's difficult to make good friends for everybody. You can be the most kind and good hearted in the world, but if you are not meeting the right people, then it's not going to get you anywhere. Look for people with similar interests by joining a club, hobby, sport or some such. A common interest is a good foundation to build a friendship on, but even then you're going to work through people that may be friendly but are only acquaintances; sometimes though you can find people that you really connect with and care about and who feel that way about you.

Don't give up.



Cogs
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27 Mar 2012, 4:09 am

I see where you are coming from, I had pretty much given up on people age 10, and totally given up on people by age 15, I distanced myself from everyone (emotionally and physically) even more than I already was, and spent as little time with them as I could get away with, I trusted no one, let no one into my life etc. I am now reevaluating that stance as I think the extremeness of giving up on all people has had a negative impact on my life, and that to move forward from the situation I am in now and to improve my mental and emotional wellbeing I think I do actually need connections with others to some degree.



namaste
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27 Mar 2012, 4:22 am

Cogs wrote:
I see where you are coming from, I had pretty much given up on people age 10, and totally given up on people by age 15, I distanced myself from everyone (emotionally and physically) even more than I already was, and spent as little time with them as I could get away with, I trusted no one, let no one into my life etc. I am now reevaluating that stance as I think the extremeness of giving up on all people has had a negative impact on my life, and that to move forward from the situation I am in now and to improve my mental and emotional wellbeing I think I do actually need connections with others to some degree.

my god you gave quite soon in life.
i started giving up on people around age of 30 and now by 33 i can say i have totally given up


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Cogs
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27 Mar 2012, 5:10 am

namaste wrote:
my god you gave quite soon in life.

It seemed clear that relationships with people were not only unneccessary to my wellbeing but detrimental to my wellbeing. Have only recently realised that some relationships with some people can actually improve my wellbeing - let my life get totally unmanageable before accepting the need to get others involved.



CloudLayer
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29 Mar 2012, 12:11 am

Yeah I am not doing too well in the people department. I am thinking the only friend I am capable of having is a dog. I think my last drop of people energy is gone now. It's just not worth it. I spend all my time alone except for the 20% of the time my family around. I am getting so lonely I don't know what to do anymore. Even around my family if they get too close I flinch now and am getting aversive to anyone touching me. I did not use to identify with that Asperger trait but I think it comes with extended time in isolation and decreased trust.



NewlyHuman
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29 Mar 2012, 1:52 am

I did give up and got a dog, at age 38. So as an added bonus now I have a great excuse for not having to go to office parties and other terrifying social events - "sorry, I have to get back to my dog". It does, however, mean I also can't do the few impulsive things I might enjoy, such as going to the cinema after work while I am in town anyway.

I have people I know on the net, and great co-workers (a job in IT, and I suspect a few other aspies in my team), but no actual friends. I tend to keep my work separate anyway (especially when it comes to the opposite sex, dating a co-worker seems like a terrible idea) and work pretty far from my home, so I rarely associate with them socially either.

I am ok alone. I sometimes miss the sharing: of going to a movie with someone and talking about it afterwards, having someone to tell important news to, but the pain and frustration of trying outweighs the possible benefits IMO.



Luska
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29 Mar 2012, 3:44 am

Well just be your own best friend. I understand it's not assuring at all but throughout my life I have always tried to initiate converstaions but have never made any actual friends. My facebook wall is the same now as it was when I had max privacy settings. No one posts and no one will add me or anything. :( (Well I never liked social networking anyway but I love sites like deviant art). I cant make friends despite my best efforts and people are always bored with me after a while. When I was young I had never heard of Asperger's Syndrome and I kept going back to my topics of interest and my obsessions and hobbies because everyone says thats how you make friends. (well never mind that I also talked to myself or smiled for no apparent reason or had an odd walk and poor motor skills among other autistic traits). I think they just alienated me from other people :(

Well I realize now that there are many nice people out there. It's just that someone who is nice and someone who is a friend to you are not the same. It's hard to have Asperger's and autism because people are the things that bring out true happiness in people more than anything else by a mile. I have so many achievements and awards due to my aspie traits and my compulsions but I have no friends. If I died I wouldn't be surprised if months would pass and no one would know.



CloudLayer
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29 Mar 2012, 1:31 pm

Hi Luska. I know what you mean. I don't think I've ever consciously realized there was a difference between people who are nice to you and people who are your friend. Best friend is much more clear, I don't consider someone my best friend unless it's been explicitly agreed by both parties that that is what it's considered. But friend, I consider someone who is nice to me my friend (although I never feel comfortable assuming they think of me the same way), because niceness if it's real at all is pervasive, if you'd do something for someone at one time you'd do it at another time... fair-weather niceness isn't niceness it's politeness which does not always come off as nice (cause of obviously indifferent tone of voice etc.).

I really think that this is because I'm thinking as if everybody I meet is part of a small tribe, and you treat everyone in a small tribe the same way you would your family, i.e. you have instant familial love for them and feel responsible to them and whatnot. Same as in a church group etc. I think that my Aspie mind is unable to accept inconsistencies and if you grow up being told you're part of a group that shares familial love, but if people on the other side of your family are not in this group but are still your family, and not everyone in the group is in your family, you have to think what the common denominator is that makes it so you should be loyal to someone and the only common denominator is "people", unqualified. Of course no human being in gigantic modern society can be loyal to all the humans they meet, there are too many of them working for different conflicting purposes, but that is the unattainable goal I set for myself that leads to my complete social ruin. It is unreasonable to expect that everyone you meet will treat you like a family member. Even if you weed out the ones who are mean to you from the start if you start being friends with someone who seems nice but then acts in ways at odds to your well-being, and you're still think they're your friend and think there's some bond loyalty between you, that creates a problem. Goddamnit. So many of the ways I behave work against me because I arrived at them using twisted logic that leads me to behave in ways that are often completely unworkable in society as is actually operates. It's not even like one way is morally better than another, they all have their own limitations on providing happiness for people (tribal model is limited in quantity of people that can benefit, modern-mainstream-society model is limited in quality of benefit to each person) and ultimately lead to social discord/dissolution/nobody benefitting if followed inappropriately.



mesona
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30 Mar 2012, 10:58 am

I never did a church thing and in school I never got the pack mind set, I am me they are them.

I can bare my family. It does not help I am a geek/teach person and they are all rednecks so when I spend $50 to by a wand that can turn on a light I am nuts but them buying something to shoot at for $100+ it's all good. Also my family is not on good terms with the rest of the family.

It took me a bit to understand nice does not mean friendship or kindness.

I am still hearing "people are better and more understanding when you get older"or "follow your hobbies, it's the best way to make friends" and my favorite "you need to put your self out there. Go to clubs and start things" I follow all that and it always fails. Either I spend the time being fake or I get the "nice" treatment.


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