Who here has dealt with overrcorrection by family/friends?

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as408
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18 Mar 2012, 1:41 pm

I grew up with this on a daily basis. With the intention of helping me learn social skills, my family was constantly picking apart my social performance every 2-10m. It wasn't until early adulthood that I explained how destructive it felt. Then they stopped but the damage had already been done.

Nowadays I can't do meetups anymore because I automatically presume nobody likes me. I assume I'm screwing up every 30 seconds. I'm hoping that by meeting fellow ASpies, my inner critic can take a rest.



Pengu1n
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18 Mar 2012, 1:56 pm

Same here, I was picked apart for years by parents, teachers, sergeants, etc, but all it did was destroy my confidence. They tried for years and years to normalize me and intensely drilled me in social skills to get me up to par. It was always so harsh though, and it just broke me down and made me feel like I was completely inadequate.

I am the same now to where every 5 seconds, I think I f---ed up or committed a social faux pas, so its really hard to ever just get out and do anything naturally. Its like I can't be "natural" and confident as I've just been traumatized in to paranoia.



Catman
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18 Mar 2012, 4:58 pm

If only Earth could be invaded by Aspie aliens ...



Ann2011
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18 Mar 2012, 5:11 pm

They think they are being helpful, but I think it's a better idea to try not to worry too much about what people think or how they react to you. After all, I don't think I'll ever be able to figure out the complex matrix of neurotypical communication, so I might as well learn to deal with the consequences.



ECJ
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19 Mar 2012, 4:08 am

My family used to just force me to go to social stuff, even though I found it horrible as too many people and never knew what to say or do. Then they'd get really really angry at me if I had a panic attack or something happened and I had to go home early.
Only a couple of years ago, my uncle, who I was staying with, made me go to so many social things and meet so many new people that I had a panic attack followed by a 3 day shutdown. He told me I wasn't doing the right thing to take myself off and keep myself to myself for 3 days as when living with people you have to talk to them about problems. But I'd tried to make it so I didn't have to go to the last social thing because I knew I was getting tired (I had to dress up smart for it, too, which makes me feel more uncomfortable) and he didn't listen and said I was going anyway!!



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19 Mar 2012, 6:31 am

I was never allowed to interact with people
all the time i was made to be alone and isolated.

and my parents themself did not know social skills so they couldnt teach me anything
they often goof up and after i goof up they would yell at me.

They wont ever say anything beforehand only after a thing is done they would yell and shout


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Catman
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19 Mar 2012, 8:12 am

Hmm. Which is worse? Being forced to socialize, or forced not to? I'm guessing that there is a happy medium there somewhere.



Ozzer
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20 Mar 2012, 1:27 pm

My parents tried to hyper socialize me as a child. I am 27 and was diagnosed with Asperger's a few months ago. It turns out my parents knew of the diagnosis and never told me. They spent my entire childhood trying to train the aspie out of me it did more damage in the long run.


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PrettyRed
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20 Mar 2012, 8:49 pm

as408 wrote:
I grew up with this on a daily basis. With the intention of helping me learn social skills, my family was constantly picking apart my social performance every 2-10m. It wasn't until early adulthood that I explained how destructive it felt. Then they stopped but the damage had already been done.

Nowadays I can't do meetups anymore because I automatically presume nobody likes me. I assume I'm screwing up every 30 seconds. I'm hoping that by meeting fellow ASpies, my inner critic can take a rest.

Yes i think this too ...this probably is something that will always happen to us



PrettyRed
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20 Mar 2012, 8:52 pm

namaste wrote:
I was never allowed to interact with people
all the time i was made to be alone and isolated.

and my parents themself did not know social skills so they couldnt teach me anything


They wont ever say anything beforehand only after a thing is done they would yell and shout

This is true for me too



EstherJ
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08 May 2012, 9:03 pm

Ozzer wrote:
My parents tried to hyper socialize me as a child. I am 27 and was diagnosed with Asperger's a few months ago. It turns out my parents knew of the diagnosis and never told me. They spent my entire childhood trying to train the aspie out of me it did more damage in the long run.


Ok. That's outrageous to me. Asperger's never goes away. What the h*** were your parents thinking???
A kid deserves to know and to learn how to deal with it constructively. It can be a gift if you know how.
I was upset at my parents for not getting me diagnosed and helped. This is even worse.


Sorry to get all mad and crap.



Siddhi
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10 May 2012, 5:06 pm

I have had family, other adults and some older peer critiquing me. The critique from outside family was a combination of a small dosage of "you behave differently so people dont like you" but a larger dosage of just being left alone constantly. Due to this any efforts from my side to sustain any relationships were always a failure and i was always left with the question "why does my brother have friends and i dont". I worked hard on it but it never worked, but i managed to generate this constant fear of making a mistake and a mortal fear of being me. I crave alone time as i can only feel comfortable to put my mask away once i am alone with only my immediate family. I avoid social places on days that i cannot hold my mask up. I have no confidence that anyone is going to like me if they see me the way i am at home. To be honest, i would love to say that it is my false belief, but every time i have slipped up and let myself show, people step back as if i am being odd. It typically happens when i get comfortable with the place and have been around for more than 3 years.

So yeah. Had some amount of it, although what others have had seems more bad.


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10 May 2012, 6:00 pm

In my early teens I had a group of friends who did this to me. That's what really helped me straighten up and learn to fit in. They didn't do it publically, they would tell me later or whisper to me if needed, but otherwise I really wouldn't have ever known.


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EB
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13 May 2012, 4:41 am

My mother did this to me and still does it though a little less since I've talked to her about it. If someone else corrects me I'm not bothered by it and sometimes even try to change, but when my mother corrects me I get angry inside and more recently I will talk to her about it which I never used to do. Her correcting me all the time I believe caused many of my meltdowns over the years(uncontrollable crying in my case, done in private). I enjoy it when she isn't at home and get annoyed when she returns, more so if it's earlier than she said she'd be or if I was in the middle of watching one of the TV shows I know she wouldn't want me watching. If I could afford it I'd move out but that's not doable yet. I don't hate my mother, but I am sick of knowing that sooner or later she or my dad will call me away from whatever I'm doing, which experience has taught me is almost always unimportant to anyone but me, to tell me to do x thing that they could do themselves and isn't part of my usual chores or to ask if I want to watch something on TV with them(which isn't a bad thing).

I had typed more but I started getting off topic a lot and ranting so I copied that to try and rework it to show to my mother later.


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13 May 2012, 10:45 am

Dealt with it from a very insecure ex. On top of my huge levels of paranoia and insecurity at the time I found this horrendous and it took me a long time to overcome the stress from it all.

If you have people overcorrecting you, do it back to them. Or if they try and sound smart in certain topics, be a smart alec and make it sound like they don't know what they are on about such as expanding on the topic in ways that they don't understand, so when they try to correct you they end up feeling more stupid. Pretty manipulative, but it would let them know how it feels. After a while, I would also confront them about it.



Kalika
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15 May 2012, 11:07 pm

I got this sort of thing from family members all the time when I was younger - before we'd moved to Phoenix, I remember one trip when my uncle dropped everyone else off at this house, and forced me to stay in the truck with him so he could drive around and lecture me on how to correct my behavior and lack of social skills. (I don't recall exactly what brought the lecture on, but my sister tells me she remembers this happened more than once)