How to Respond to People Who Insult Themselves?

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I find this very common with women. And even as a woman myself, I just don't get it. Often I will be talking with someone and they will say something like "Geez, I look so fat" or "I look so ugly". They say it in casual conversation. These aren't people who have big hangups about their appearance. It seems like something I just hear most women say just because. Anyhow, I never know how to respond. Complimenting them just sounds fake. But not saying anything (as I tend to do because I almost always experience mutism and a deer in the headlights look when this kind of thing happens) probably isn't great either. If I don't say anything, then they go from happy/joking about their appearance to upset that I didn't refute them. Anyone else experience this? What the heck do you do?

It's just a social thing; if women insult their own appearance, they want you to disagree with them/compliment them. Most women think that everybody knows the routine and get upset when people don't follow it. I agree that it's silly, but there you are.

I guess I just need to work on the compliment thing then, even though it seems so fake. Kind of like telling someone what to get you for your birthday and then acting surprised when you open the present. I have a similar problem when someone compliments me. Often times I'll be at the park with my kids and a woman will say "Your child is so cute". I don't know what to say. I feel like saying "Thanks" is appropriate, but sometimes they have their kid sitting right there. And perhaps I should say "and your child is cute too"? But again it feels so fake. Like I'm just mimicking back to them whatever they say to me.

If its an obvious insult, I have picked up that it's a good idea to say 'dont be silly' or 'that's so not true' to them, to shut them up. Of course, if you're around several people, you can get away with not giving out 'fake' compliments,and just letting them respond (which they do rather quickly, I find).

Thanks. I will try those phrases. I think that will work better than saying "You look great!" because honestly I don't pay much attention to people's appearance. So when I say "You look great" (whatever "great" means), I always end up sounding unconvincing. And what is worse than having someone tell you that you look great in a really, really unconvincing voice? :p It makes me sound like I'm lying which is even worse than saying nothing at all. But "Don't be silly" or "that's not true" are phrases that feel much more natural to me. Thanks again.

It is a social thing, it's not that they want you to compliment them so much as that socially women are brought-up to have low self-esteem and they also feel they have to put themselves down as it's seen as negative if they speak positively about themselves.

Respond by saying something like 'don't be silly, you look lovely', which is the standard way to respond to this...however if they keep putting themselves down in a very real way (not just 'oh, I look so fat' and more 'I am a pathetic looser') consider distancing yourself as it may develop into an unhealthy relationship where they just want you to keep feeding their need for attention.

I sometimes go with something like, "That's not very nice, you shouldn't talk about people like that"

It's definately not a standard response and you can really throw people for a loop with it. But it works pretty good sometimes - and it does cut to the heart of the matter, which is self-respect. But it sorts of depends how they are insulting themselves, sometimes people insult themselves because they're looking for support, or fishing for a compliment, and then it's not a good response. It's best for someone who is just really getting down on themself. Use with caution but well-placed, it can be useful.

They might not have big hangups about their appearance, but they probably have big hangups with their egos. People with more self-esteem and less ego issues don't say things like that.

Last edited by NicoleG on 01 Jun 2012, 10:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh, god! Edgewaters, that's it!
I wish I had thought of that.

I once said, "I dunno - I've seen worse." It did not go over well, for some reason...

Heh. It really is. I like to turn the tables with that one.

The proper response to a compliment is always, "thank you." All that extra stuff is guilt-treatment validation crap and is unnecessary. If someone else is fishing for a compliment by paying a compliment themselves, they have an issue. If you don't feel like paying a compliment in return, then don't.

I tend to insult myself a lot, but I really want others to agree and not get offended if they do. Like if I said, ''God, I'm so dumb'', I hate it when people say, ''no you're not, you're clever''. I hate people calling me clever because I am not. I'm average. So if people say ''yes, OK, you're dumb'', I go, ''thank you'', and then change the subject.

But with women (like my mum), I always fall into this conversation:-

Mum: I look so fat
Me: No you're not
Mum: Yes I am, look
Me: You're not fat at all, how can you be?
Mum: Look here, I have all this flab
Me: That doesn't mean you're fat
Mum: And look how big my bum is
Me: All right, you're fat
Mum: Am I? You really think I am????

That's like a broken record thing.

I can't say I never insult myself, I get pretty down on myself...not sure exactly what the right response would be. Though I am typically afraid of pissing people off when I get that way.

I don't think these are the same, Sweetleaf. This is just fishing for compliments.

This. I rarely insult myself to others. But I know that as a female I grew up with fairly low self-esteem. I think many women are brought up to think less of ourselves. I grew up with the message that my dad's interests and masculine endeavors in general were more important than feminine ones. My dad fed this by being able to brag a lot and demanding certain privileges at home. (The best chair, the best piece of meat at dinner, and commanding attention on his accomplishments.) My mom fed into this by being rather selfless and making sure he got what he wanted - though now that I'm older I wonder if it wasn't mostly to keep the peace. I've also noticed that men seem able to brag more easily about their job qualifications, while women tend to say less convincing things, such as that they think they could do a good job, and not really be persuasive about it. Not all women, of course, and not all men. It's more a tendency.

The insulting oneself to others might sometimes be a way of attempting to blend in - comparing one's own flaws with others, in other words expecting a response like "oh, me too!" - and sometimes a way of getting reassurance that it's okay to be how they are, even if it's not perfect.